Let’s be honest, high-school reunions are like one big musical and everyone that attends has a part to play. I can think of six roles that encompass about 90% of the attending crowd. I’ll attempt to identify these groups and give a guide on how you can spot each one:
Good Enough
These people laid out the stipulation for attending the 10-year reunion the day they graduated—if I do well enough for myself in the next 10 years, I’ll go. Otherwise, I’m staying the hell away from there. Don’t you remember in school when the teacher/professor handed tests back and you always looked at what the dumb kid in the class scored, just to make sure you scored higher than him? (Sidebar: I found out in my Sophomore year Financial Accounting course that I was the dumb kid when the teacher started writing “Great Job!” on tests in which I scored a 74 and I saw a stream of classmates trying to peer over my shoulder. Not a great feeling to be that guy) Well the same situation applies. You just want to make sure you did better in the last 10 years than that guy. If so, you’re there.
Tag-Alongs
This is what I’m naming the non-alumni significant others who were dragged to the event; and this group can be broken down even further. A male in this category likely has no interest in attending; he knows a few of the wife/girlfriend’s friends, but face it, they don’t intend on bailing said male out because they clearly have their own agendas. He’s forced to put on a suit, or at least a button-down shirt and slacks, per the wife’s request. He’ll be the one with a drink in one hand, other hand pocketed, nodding along as the wife tries awkwardly to involve him in the conversation. Maximum 2 drinks. Last words before he and the wife left the house: “Don’t you DARE embarrass me!”
If a female falls into this category, she’s at least a 9 ½ because the male obviously wants to show that he landed one way out of his league. She will soon realize her man wasn’t such a catch after all.
“Hi, I’m here for the gang-bang”
The people who showed up with every intention to get laid are the easiest people to spot, and you probably already know who they are. This group should also be broken down further, because the last thing I want to do is generalize. You already know the girls in this category because they advertise with butt-ass-nekkid pictures on Facebook and MySpace. And it’s not the ones who cleaned up in high school; it’s the ones that have come into their own since high school. You passed me up in high school? Bam, sucka! 50/50 chance they end up bent over a toilet in the restroom…and I don’t mean vomiting.
Guys in this category are either players or nerds. You can spot the players by their swagger and pressed shirts and the nerds by their unsightly bulge and inappropriate comments. The latter have become eerily creepy since high school and will no doubt forget to bring that little filter between the brain and the mouth. Watch out for Captain Sexual Advance.
M.R.S. Degrees
These women went to college with one goal: find a man who will support me. This could be for several reasons, some good, some bad. The most obvious reason would be because she’s dumber than rocks. Hey, we’re not all brilliant—some people have to get by on looks. If you’re smokin hot but your IQ rivals that of a T-Rex, what else are you supposed to do? Seriously…get smarter? The time for increasing your brain mass has long since passed; time to find an alternative. You’ll be able to spot the MRS grads by the Bat Signal shining from the rock on their finger.
Locals
There’s a reunion this weekend? These people probably didn’t realize it but since they go to that bar every weekend, they hardly miss a beat! They question whether anything worthwhile truly exists outside the town limits. If it ain’t broke...
The Organizers
Similar to the ones whose only goal is to get laid, you already know who these people are. You’ve known since you were in high school. And you know how you know? Because these type of people don’t change. Planners and control freaks don’t all of a sudden stop caring about that kind of thing—it’s one of the few traits that just cannot be suppressed. They planned Homecoming, Winter Formal, Prom, their Wedding, their friend’s Baby Shower, and now this. God bless these people though, because without them a lot of things wouldn’t get accomplished. The easiest way to spot these people is to watch who is making sure everyone has hand-stamps and is using drink tickets appropriately. Any rogue attendees will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Reunion Committee Bylaws.
We all have a part in the musical, and the show couldn’t go on without a stellar performance from each role. Now break a leg out there.
Mating Like Rabbits
The Duggar family recently welcomed their 18th bundle of joy into the world. What a joyous occasion and celebration of life! When asked on The Today Show what she considered to be “too many children,” mother Michelle responded confidently, “saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers.” Bitch please.
Let’s be honest, 18 kids is not only selfish, it’s a hoarding of resources. Don’t get me wrong, children are a blessing. But as is the case for most things in life—moderation reigns supreme. According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the internet, the Duggars have opted to shun birth control and “let God determine” the number of children they have.
Who does having 18 children benefit?
Still thinking…
Ok, I can’t think of anyone.
Who does having 18 children NOT benefit? Let's see:
Michel
le Duggar (mother)
Physically, how is it healthy for one woman to birth 18 children? She must be the grossest naked woman alive. How could Jim Bob (yes, that is his name…fresh off the Varsity Blues set) even want to look at her naked, let alone fornicate? Do you realize she’s been pregnant for 13 ½ years? At the very least, she has to be destined for chronic back problems, but that seems to be the least of her concerns.
Jim Bob Duggar (father)
How would you like dealing with the mood swings, demands, nagging, and vomiting of your wife for over 13 years? Enough said. And as the bread winner of the family, it is clearly impossible for him to support all his children.
The Kids
No one child will receive any kind of special attention, which is unfortunate because children need nourishing. They need encouragement. They need to be developed. But mom’s too busy with the newborn(s) to do anything else and dad can only be in so many places at one time. Plus, these poor kids are home-schooled, so it’s not as if they can receive extra help from a licensed educator at a public or private school. As if that’s not bad enough, each of the kids’ names starts with the letter “J”, my favorite being “Jinger.” That’s right, Jinger with a J. Welcome to the playground, Jinger, aaaand here’s a fist to the cranium. And not to be outdone—twin boys named Jeremiah and Jedidiah. I don’t even have a joke here. But these are the kids that grow up and shoot people—they have little interaction with society, they have a sheltered up-bringing (no TV, internet, or kissing before marriage), and little personal attention as I mentioned before. So what happens the first time they step out into the real world and face adversity? They have no idea how to handle it and go off the deep end to become the next unabombers. Not one of those kids will ever be special; they’ll always be 1 “J” out of 18.
The Earth
Don’t other countries already hate the United States because we use the most resources? By far? Am I wrong in saying that 18 kids, by nature, deprive other kids of resources? It seems like simple math. I have 100 units of X to split among 10 families of 2 kids each; each kid gets 5 units. Replace one of those families with the good ole’ Duggars, and each kid in the community gets less than 3 units. It is selfish and self-absorbed for the Duggars to continue to have children. They are simply demanding more resources. Having a child is one of the most selfless acts imaginable, but having 18 is irresponsible. Can they stop? Of course they can! Are all 18 intentional? Of course they are! Ask them. They don’t appear to be hanging it up either, so don’t be surprised if there’s more on the way. This is not the same as John and Kate Gosselin (from John & Kate Plus 8), who had twins and intended on having one more but got sextuplets instead. These were 16 calculated pregnancies (two sets of twins). Absolutely selfish. The world doesn’t need any more you’s.
So remember, if you decide to watch this show, just realize you are supporting selfish and irresponsible parents that ultimately make us worse off as a society.
Let’s be honest, 18 kids is not only selfish, it’s a hoarding of resources. Don’t get me wrong, children are a blessing. But as is the case for most things in life—moderation reigns supreme. According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the internet, the Duggars have opted to shun birth control and “let God determine” the number of children they have.
Who does having 18 children benefit?
Still thinking…
Ok, I can’t think of anyone.
Who does having 18 children NOT benefit? Let's see:
Michel
le Duggar (mother)Physically, how is it healthy for one woman to birth 18 children? She must be the grossest naked woman alive. How could Jim Bob (yes, that is his name…fresh off the Varsity Blues set) even want to look at her naked, let alone fornicate? Do you realize she’s been pregnant for 13 ½ years? At the very least, she has to be destined for chronic back problems, but that seems to be the least of her concerns.
Jim Bob Duggar (father)
How would you like dealing with the mood swings, demands, nagging, and vomiting of your wife for over 13 years? Enough said. And as the bread winner of the family, it is clearly impossible for him to support all his children.
The Kids
No one child will receive any kind of special attention, which is unfortunate because children need nourishing. They need encouragement. They need to be developed. But mom’s too busy with the newborn(s) to do anything else and dad can only be in so many places at one time. Plus, these poor kids are home-schooled, so it’s not as if they can receive extra help from a licensed educator at a public or private school. As if that’s not bad enough, each of the kids’ names starts with the letter “J”, my favorite being “Jinger.” That’s right, Jinger with a J. Welcome to the playground, Jinger, aaaand here’s a fist to the cranium. And not to be outdone—twin boys named Jeremiah and Jedidiah. I don’t even have a joke here. But these are the kids that grow up and shoot people—they have little interaction with society, they have a sheltered up-bringing (no TV, internet, or kissing before marriage), and little personal attention as I mentioned before. So what happens the first time they step out into the real world and face adversity? They have no idea how to handle it and go off the deep end to become the next unabombers. Not one of those kids will ever be special; they’ll always be 1 “J” out of 18.
The Earth
Don’t other countries already hate the United States because we use the most resources? By far? Am I wrong in saying that 18 kids, by nature, deprive other kids of resources? It seems like simple math. I have 100 units of X to split among 10 families of 2 kids each; each kid gets 5 units. Replace one of those families with the good ole’ Duggars, and each kid in the community gets less than 3 units. It is selfish and self-absorbed for the Duggars to continue to have children. They are simply demanding more resources. Having a child is one of the most selfless acts imaginable, but having 18 is irresponsible. Can they stop? Of course they can! Are all 18 intentional? Of course they are! Ask them. They don’t appear to be hanging it up either, so don’t be surprised if there’s more on the way. This is not the same as John and Kate Gosselin (from John & Kate Plus 8), who had twins and intended on having one more but got sextuplets instead. These were 16 calculated pregnancies (two sets of twins). Absolutely selfish. The world doesn’t need any more you’s.
So remember, if you decide to watch this show, just realize you are supporting selfish and irresponsible parents that ultimately make us worse off as a society.
It's Britney, Bitch
Let’s be honest, Britney Spears’ self-documentary For the Record was a joke. This latest attempt by the once-teen sensation was intended to give viewers a glimpse into the life of a troubled artist on the road to recovery, but instead demonstrated her lack of progress in past two years. Is she really that far removed from the head-shaving loon we all saw her as not that long ago? She may actually be worse because she thinks she’s on the road to recovery. I wanted to give the documentary a fair shot, which is my own fault from the start since it was delivered by the same brainchildren behind "NEXT," "The Ex Effect," "Date My Mom," "Parental Control," "My Super Sweet 16," and countless others. I made it through the first twenty minutes before realizing I would never get those twenty minutes of my life back, and walked away with a good enough understanding of what was transpiring.
Let’s cut through the BS (pun intended) and tell it like it is. The documentary was produced by MTV, a station terribly indebted to Britney for her popularity in the late 90’s/ early 2000’s and the sexual fodder she provided to the network. Moreover, it’s been fairly easy to see how they’ve used her recently for ratings—case in the point the 2007 and 2008 Video Music Awards. MTV gave her the introductory performance slot in 2007 knowing she was a complete and utter train wreck. She fumbled around the stage looking like a polish sausage on crack in a
performance that made everyone attending live seem uncomfortable. How can we forget the look on 50 Cent’s face while watching? Unfortunately, the ratings ploy worked, because we all watched, and watched again, and again. The network used her once again in 2008 to open the show, and after a couple mangled lines proclaimed “She’s back!” Spears ended up taking home four awards, much to the chagrin of anyone with an ounce of talent or decency. In order to keep milking her dry, MTV obviously needed to create a comeback to reintroduce her to relevance. In the words of The Dude, “somebody’s gotta feed the monkey.” All I’m asking is to consider the source. You wouldn’t take a documentary on small business seriously if it was produced by WalMart, would you?
Let’s cut through the BS (pun intended) and tell it like it is. The documentary was produced by MTV, a station terribly indebted to Britney for her popularity in the late 90’s/ early 2000’s and the sexual fodder she provided to the network. Moreover, it’s been fairly easy to see how they’ve used her recently for ratings—case in the point the 2007 and 2008 Video Music Awards. MTV gave her the introductory performance slot in 2007 knowing she was a complete and utter train wreck. She fumbled around the stage looking like a polish sausage on crack in a
performance that made everyone attending live seem uncomfortable. How can we forget the look on 50 Cent’s face while watching? Unfortunately, the ratings ploy worked, because we all watched, and watched again, and again. The network used her once again in 2008 to open the show, and after a couple mangled lines proclaimed “She’s back!” Spears ended up taking home four awards, much to the chagrin of anyone with an ounce of talent or decency. In order to keep milking her dry, MTV obviously needed to create a comeback to reintroduce her to relevance. In the words of The Dude, “somebody’s gotta feed the monkey.” All I’m asking is to consider the source. You wouldn’t take a documentary on small business seriously if it was produced by WalMart, would you? I’m not a Britney-hater, I just wish she could be honest, even though I realize that’s impossible for her career. Wouldn’t a little honesty be nice? She’s basically defecating out of her mouth when she talks about any kind of “passion” for music or having a “dark side.” She’s more transparent than Hollow Man. I think we’d all respect her a little more if she just came out and said the following:
· Yes, I was exploited by old men when I was 16 years old to sell records.
· I’m not a great singer. But guess what? I don’t have to be. There are talented people who give me beats and enhance my voice, and the end of the day, the sound sells. Success in the industry is defined by sales, and I got that in the bag. Some people might want to put out a personal album that means a lot to them but has no mass appeal. That’s personal success, not industry success, and not big money. Just like Nickelback, all my songs sound the same, but I make hits. I’ve sold millions of albums and I’m not stopping because you keep buying.
· Yes, I lip-synch, but who doesn’t? I am a helluva performer and I put on a great live show. I’m a great dancer and I work my ass off while I’m on stage. But when you see me you want album quality music. How is that possible? How am I supposed to bust my ass on stage and perform dance routines without sacrificing quality? So yes, I lip-synch, get over it. Go sell some medicine, bitches.
Look, she’s still a psycho who blows through an exorbitant amount of money on clothes. Her redneck backwoods grit-cooking dad has control of her assets, which is scary in and of itself. She lost a custody battle to Kevin Federline. Kevin Freaking Federline. The proverbial one-legged man in the ass kicking contest. She couldn’t beat out that guy for child custody. A court ruled he is more reasonably fit to be a parent than she is. Now she walks around town accessorized by pit-stains and cigarettes. Not everyone has to be vanilla—we need some people in society who are a little out there because it keeps us balanced. Let’s just all be honest with ourselves and recognize Brit for who she really is.
· Yes, I was exploited by old men when I was 16 years old to sell records.
· I’m not a great singer. But guess what? I don’t have to be. There are talented people who give me beats and enhance my voice, and the end of the day, the sound sells. Success in the industry is defined by sales, and I got that in the bag. Some people might want to put out a personal album that means a lot to them but has no mass appeal. That’s personal success, not industry success, and not big money. Just like Nickelback, all my songs sound the same, but I make hits. I’ve sold millions of albums and I’m not stopping because you keep buying.
· Yes, I lip-synch, but who doesn’t? I am a helluva performer and I put on a great live show. I’m a great dancer and I work my ass off while I’m on stage. But when you see me you want album quality music. How is that possible? How am I supposed to bust my ass on stage and perform dance routines without sacrificing quality? So yes, I lip-synch, get over it. Go sell some medicine, bitches.
Look, she’s still a psycho who blows through an exorbitant amount of money on clothes. Her redneck backwoods grit-cooking dad has control of her assets, which is scary in and of itself. She lost a custody battle to Kevin Federline. Kevin Freaking Federline. The proverbial one-legged man in the ass kicking contest. She couldn’t beat out that guy for child custody. A court ruled he is more reasonably fit to be a parent than she is. Now she walks around town accessorized by pit-stains and cigarettes. Not everyone has to be vanilla—we need some people in society who are a little out there because it keeps us balanced. Let’s just all be honest with ourselves and recognize Brit for who she really is.
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