Let’s be honest, high-school reunions are like one big musical and everyone that attends has a part to play. I can think of six roles that encompass about 90% of the attending crowd. I’ll attempt to identify these groups and give a guide on how you can spot each one:
Good Enough
These people laid out the stipulation for attending the 10-year reunion the day they graduated—if I do well enough for myself in the next 10 years, I’ll go. Otherwise, I’m staying the hell away from there. Don’t you remember in school when the teacher/professor handed tests back and you always looked at what the dumb kid in the class scored, just to make sure you scored higher than him? (Sidebar: I found out in my Sophomore year Financial Accounting course that I was the dumb kid when the teacher started writing “Great Job!” on tests in which I scored a 74 and I saw a stream of classmates trying to peer over my shoulder. Not a great feeling to be that guy) Well the same situation applies. You just want to make sure you did better in the last 10 years than that guy. If so, you’re there.
Tag-Alongs
This is what I’m naming the non-alumni significant others who were dragged to the event; and this group can be broken down even further. A male in this category likely has no interest in attending; he knows a few of the wife/girlfriend’s friends, but face it, they don’t intend on bailing said male out because they clearly have their own agendas. He’s forced to put on a suit, or at least a button-down shirt and slacks, per the wife’s request. He’ll be the one with a drink in one hand, other hand pocketed, nodding along as the wife tries awkwardly to involve him in the conversation. Maximum 2 drinks. Last words before he and the wife left the house: “Don’t you DARE embarrass me!”
If a female falls into this category, she’s at least a 9 ½ because the male obviously wants to show that he landed one way out of his league. She will soon realize her man wasn’t such a catch after all.
“Hi, I’m here for the gang-bang”
The people who showed up with every intention to get laid are the easiest people to spot, and you probably already know who they are. This group should also be broken down further, because the last thing I want to do is generalize. You already know the girls in this category because they advertise with butt-ass-nekkid pictures on Facebook and MySpace. And it’s not the ones who cleaned up in high school; it’s the ones that have come into their own since high school. You passed me up in high school? Bam, sucka! 50/50 chance they end up bent over a toilet in the restroom…and I don’t mean vomiting.
Guys in this category are either players or nerds. You can spot the players by their swagger and pressed shirts and the nerds by their unsightly bulge and inappropriate comments. The latter have become eerily creepy since high school and will no doubt forget to bring that little filter between the brain and the mouth. Watch out for Captain Sexual Advance.
M.R.S. Degrees
These women went to college with one goal: find a man who will support me. This could be for several reasons, some good, some bad. The most obvious reason would be because she’s dumber than rocks. Hey, we’re not all brilliant—some people have to get by on looks. If you’re smokin hot but your IQ rivals that of a T-Rex, what else are you supposed to do? Seriously…get smarter? The time for increasing your brain mass has long since passed; time to find an alternative. You’ll be able to spot the MRS grads by the Bat Signal shining from the rock on their finger.
Locals
There’s a reunion this weekend? These people probably didn’t realize it but since they go to that bar every weekend, they hardly miss a beat! They question whether anything worthwhile truly exists outside the town limits. If it ain’t broke...
The Organizers
Similar to the ones whose only goal is to get laid, you already know who these people are. You’ve known since you were in high school. And you know how you know? Because these type of people don’t change. Planners and control freaks don’t all of a sudden stop caring about that kind of thing—it’s one of the few traits that just cannot be suppressed. They planned Homecoming, Winter Formal, Prom, their Wedding, their friend’s Baby Shower, and now this. God bless these people though, because without them a lot of things wouldn’t get accomplished. The easiest way to spot these people is to watch who is making sure everyone has hand-stamps and is using drink tickets appropriately. Any rogue attendees will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Reunion Committee Bylaws.
We all have a part in the musical, and the show couldn’t go on without a stellar performance from each role. Now break a leg out there.
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