It's Britney, Bitch

Let’s be honest, Britney Spears’ self-documentary For the Record was a joke. This latest attempt by the once-teen sensation was intended to give viewers a glimpse into the life of a troubled artist on the road to recovery, but instead demonstrated her lack of progress in past two years. Is she really that far removed from the head-shaving loon we all saw her as not that long ago? She may actually be worse because she thinks she’s on the road to recovery. I wanted to give the documentary a fair shot, which is my own fault from the start since it was delivered by the same brainchildren behind "NEXT," "The Ex Effect," "Date My Mom," "Parental Control," "My Super Sweet 16," and countless others. I made it through the first twenty minutes before realizing I would never get those twenty minutes of my life back, and walked away with a good enough understanding of what was transpiring.

Let’s cut through the BS (pun intended) and tell it like it is. The documentary was produced by MTV, a station terribly indebted to Britney for her popularity in the late 90’s/ early 2000’s and the sexual fodder she provided to the network. Moreover, it’s been fairly easy to see how they’ve used her recently for ratings—case in the point the 2007 and 2008 Video Music Awards. MTV gave her the introductory performance slot in 2007 knowing she was a complete and utter train wreck. She fumbled around the stage looking like a polish sausage on crack in a performance that made everyone attending live seem uncomfortable. How can we forget the look on 50 Cent’s face while watching? Unfortunately, the ratings ploy worked, because we all watched, and watched again, and again. The network used her once again in 2008 to open the show, and after a couple mangled lines proclaimed “She’s back!” Spears ended up taking home four awards, much to the chagrin of anyone with an ounce of talent or decency. In order to keep milking her dry, MTV obviously needed to create a comeback to reintroduce her to relevance. In the words of The Dude, “somebody’s gotta feed the monkey.” All I’m asking is to consider the source. You wouldn’t take a documentary on small business seriously if it was produced by WalMart, would you?

I’m not a Britney-hater, I just wish she could be honest, even though I realize that’s impossible for her career. Wouldn’t a little honesty be nice? She’s basically defecating out of her mouth when she talks about any kind of “passion” for music or having a “dark side.” She’s more transparent than Hollow Man. I think we’d all respect her a little more if she just came out and said the following:
· Yes, I was exploited by old men when I was 16 years old to sell records.
· I’m not a great singer. But guess what? I don’t have to be. There are talented people who give me beats and enhance my voice, and the end of the day, the sound sells. Success in the industry is defined by sales, and I got that in the bag. Some people might want to put out a personal album that means a lot to them but has no mass appeal. That’s personal success, not industry success, and not big money. Just like Nickelback, all my songs sound the same, but I make hits. I’ve sold millions of albums and I’m not stopping because you keep buying.
· Yes, I lip-synch, but who doesn’t? I am a helluva performer and I put on a great live show. I’m a great dancer and I work my ass off while I’m on stage. But when you see me you want album quality music. How is that possible? How am I supposed to bust my ass on stage and perform dance routines without sacrificing quality? So yes, I lip-synch, get over it. Go sell some medicine, bitches.

Look, she’s still a psycho who blows through an exorbitant amount of money on clothes. Her redneck backwoods grit-cooking dad has control of her assets, which is scary in and of itself. She lost a custody battle to Kevin Federline. Kevin Freaking Federline. The proverbial one-legged man in the ass kicking contest. She couldn’t beat out that guy for child custody. A court ruled he is more reasonably fit to be a parent than she is. Now she walks around town accessorized by pit-stains and cigarettes. Not everyone has to be vanilla—we need some people in society who are a little out there because it keeps us balanced. Let’s just all be honest with ourselves and recognize Brit for who she really is.