Tuesdays with Simon

Let’s be honest, American Idol has been wrong more often than it’s been right. Yes, I watch Idol…I wish it was the softest thing I watched; unfortunately it’s not. If I’m keeping track correctly, there have been 3 hits and 4 misses. I guess it goes to show that it’s a television show first, singing competition second.

In my opinion, the Idol winners that can be considered the “hits” are Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordin Sparks. The misses—Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Taylor Hicks, and David Cook. The hits are hard to deny—Kelly Clarkson won a Grammy for Best New Artist, Carrie has won multiple Grammys and taken home Best Artist at the Country Music Awards, and Jordin Sparks…well, I think she won a Kids Choice award or something. But she makes hits, just look at the radio spins. It’s interesting to look at who each of those three beat out in the finals, too. Kelly defeated Sideshow Bob (Justin Guarini), Carrie bested Bo Bice and the Bice Squad, and Jordin took down Blake, the human beatbox. How in God’s name did Sideshow Bob, Bice Squad, and Beatbox make it to the finals? In what world could they have been successful? At least Bo Bice has made a career out of selling car insurance for GEICO.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Rubes from Season 2. He has a great voice and would be a successful Gospel artist. Plus I would vote for Rosie O’Donnell in a swimsuit competition before I voted for Clay Aiken to win anything. Side note—was anyone else creeped out in the Season 2 finale when Clay stared at Rubes in the same way Rubes would stare at a Big Mac? Unfortunately, R&B singers today have to have a little more sex-appeal (think Ne-Yo, Usher, Chris Brown before he became Ike Turner). Tough break for Rubes.

Fantasia has been successful—about as successful as Ryan Leaf compared to Peyton Manning. Jennifer Hudson took home 6th place that season, and all she did was win a Grammy and an Oscar. No big deal. Fantasia’s biggest song is “B-A! B-Y! M-O! M-A! This one goes out to my baby mommas.” That wasn’t a joke by the way, that’s true. I’m sure that’s what Simon Cowell had in mind for his Idol-winning protégé. She’s been successful on Broadway. Yeah, so? Don’t they eliminate people because they sound like they should be on Broadway?

Taylor Hicks has been the greatest failure of them all, which wouldn’t be so apparent if Daughtry, Katharine McPhee, and Eliot Yamin weren’t all making hits. William Hung has sold more records than Taylor Hicks. Can someone make him an aluminum foil record to hang on his wall for that achievement? At least he has the Soul Patrol to console him. Another side note—did anyone hear when Simon compared a contestant this year to Taylor Hicks, and the crowd boo’d? Nice work, dude.

I almost feel bad for David Cook because he looks like he’s in excruciating pain when he sings. Is that intentional? Plus I still haven’t been able to differentiate his voice from the loser lead singer of Nickelback. Did I say loser? I meant, "extremely successful." I also fear the day David Cook is cornered by an angry mob of broken-hearted 12-year old girls who voted for David Archuleta. That’s not going to be pretty. And oh yeah, Archuleta’s “Crush” has sold roughly 1.5M records and become the most successful song from a Season 7 contestant. Scoreboard, baby.

It begs the question, how could we be so wrong, so often? I owe it to three factors:
1) We’re idiots. Look how many people audition for the show under the impression that they have a great voice. If all those people, as a nation, represent our collective opinion of singing talent, it’s no WONDER such horrible contestants make it so far.
2) The producers obviously keep contestants who are polarizing and draw ratings. Case in point, Season 8’s Tatiana. If any of you 5 people that read my blog actually like Tatiana, please let me know. I would like to find one person.
3) Those “Vote for the Worst” sites have to have some kind of impact. I think it’s funny that people go out of their way to taint the voting process out of spite for a show. They won’t cause anyone to win the show outright, but it makes the early round elimination process interesting.

We’re already off to a blazing start this season as the Top 13 contestants appear to be the show’s weakest to date. I know who I like and I clearly know who I dislike, but what do I know? I'm way too rational.