The Easiest Way

Let’s be honest, some things that seem difficult to do are actually pretty easy. Formulas for success exist in every job or walk of life, so you can obtain even the highest of aspirations if you just stick to the script. So follow these rules and you can give yourself a leg up on hitting the jackpot.

The easiest way to…

Win a Grammy- If you’re old, release anything. Otherwise, explain the victories of Ray Charles, Herbie Hancock, and Robert Plant in the last 5 years. Paul Simon—if you’re out there, go record your cat playing the guitar or something.

Win a Grammy, Pt II- Do drugs. And be controversial. How else would Amy Winehouse have won Record and Song of the Year last year? Seriously, that was the best song recorded from 2007 through 2008? Perhaps the committee just appreciates her artistic ability. BS. She won because it’d be news-worthy. By crowning her, the committee makes everything she does and is about okay. She is an irresponsible racist crack addict who is praised for saying “No, no, no” to rehab. Wonderful.

Make a hit song- Sing about the weather or a season. Sheryl Crow scored an easy one with her song “Soak Up the Sun,” and every Memorial Day Weekend the checks start rolling in. The same can be said with the assortment of Christmas songs by irrelevant pop-stars.

Win an Oscar- Play a homosexual. Case in point—Charlize Theron in Monster and more noticeably, Jake Gylenhnall/Heath Ledger (nominated) in Brokeback Mountain and Sean Penn in Milk. Penn was 110% correct when he called the audience (indirectly inferring to all of Hollywood) a "bunch of homo-loving commie bastards" in one of those “funny because it’s completely true” kind of moments. Mickey Rourke was the odds-on favorite to win Best Actor, but in retrospect, did a guy playing a professional wrestler even stand a chance against a homosexual murdered gay-rights activist? Penn might as well have played Marley in Marley and Me.

Run a company into the ground- Fire the people that do the most work and make the least amount of money. And create lots of layers—you can never have too many Vice Presidents. I don’t know any companies like this, I’m just saying.

Talk down to people- Join Congress. They’re all real tough guys when they grill AIG executives, but it’s easy to impose bailouts on American taxpayers when you don’t even pay your own taxes! Not to mention, let’s just overlook the AIG political contributions that were left in the bailout package. Talk about an elephant in the room, and I don’t mean Rosie O’Donnell. Speaking of which…

Kill your career- Tangle with Donald Trump. Sorry, I just had to find a way to fit in the Donald’s thrashing of Rosie O’Donnell a few years back. “I think she’s very attracted to Miss USA so she probably wanted to put the crown on her head herself”… “She is a very, very unattractive woman who really is a bully”… “I never went bankrupt…but I’ll sue her because it would be fun”.

See, people do great things every day that aren’t even that hard to do! All it takes is a good gameplan and some stick-to-it-iveness.