An Unpleasant Relapse

Let’s be honest, Eminem is on his way out because of his failure to successfully reinvent himself. A megastar of hip hop over the last 10+ years, Eminem’s ability on the mic has since faded. He is a shell of his former self when it comes to rhyming and should hang it up before he’s forced out of the game.

Eminem burst onto the scene in the late 90’s with The Slim Shady LP, featuring his first big single, “My Name Is.” He was hip hop’s white guy—a little dude from Detroit with a bleach-blonde buzzcut and high-pitched nasal delivery. He became known over the next several years as an unbelievable lyricist with brass balls, taking shots at singers, actors, and politicians alike. The Marshall Mathers LP was recorded in the same light and led to enormous success to the tune of 13-times platinum. Em’s style began to change on the 8 Mile soundtrack, ditching the high, nasal, off-beat delivery and focusing on riding beats much harder. He sounded more mature—a natural part of anyone’s career progression. The new style carried over to his third LP, The Eminem Show, in what I believe is the pinnacle of his career. Em combined social critique with funny meaningless rants and personal tribute with personal remorse, all while supplied with exceptional beats and his best vocal pitch. I wish I could strike his next album, Encore, from the record, but that really happened. Just an awful album with no redeemable tracks. Em disappeared for a while, released a mixtape-turned-album (The Re-Up) with his crew, and recently released his latest project, Relapse.

As vile as Eminem was in his early career, it gave him a sort-of charm and likeability because he joked around so much and people rarely took him seriously. Once he evolved from that and changed his style, we grew with him. On Relapse, Em is doing his best Benjamin Button, trying to age backwards and revert to an old style. Unfortunately, he has failed miserably. His old signature nasal voice has been replaced by a Triumph-the-Insult-Comic-Dog sound-alike, which works for a song but not an entire album. It’s almost as if he is trying to go back to his old style but can’t duplicate it because he’s simply not that rapper anymore. I compare him to Hulk Hogan wrestling in the year 2009. “I am a Real American” blares over the loud speakers as Hulk saunters into the ring sporting the same old yellow and red pants and bleach blonde locks flowing off his nearly bald head. But we know it’s not the real Hulk—Hulk knows it’s not the real Hulk. He just can’t do what he used to be able to do. Same applies to Eminem. The attempt to transform into his old self turned into a drug-induced, off-the-wall, psychopathic rant that begs for attention and controversy. I don’t know Eminem’s rap-sheet off hand, but I haven’t heard of any murders or rapes he’s commited. The album is a modern-day American Psycho where Em’s veins are so drug-laden that he’s actually convinced he’s done all of these things. He’s such a good storyteller that if you didn’t know any better and were hearing his material for the first time, you’d be convinced he’s atop the list of America’s Most Wanted. And if you didn’t get his twisted sense of humor, you’d find his imitation of Christopher Reeves and rhymes about Heath Ledger bobbleheads some of the most offensive lines ever spoken. Like I said, though, the album is full of horror stories that even Eminem wouldn’t carry out. So what is his purpose for recording?

In hip hop today, you either have to be really good, or really bad. If you’re good, you have to be relevant and have an interesting take (see Kanye West). If you’re bad, you have to make pop music and call it hip hop (see Flo Rida) or create a dance to accompany the song (see Soulja Boy). We either want to be stimulated mentally or physically—there’s no room left for rape and murder. It doesn’t sell anymore. And it especially doesn’t sell if it’s not even true. People’s expectations are higher and they demand more for their $9.99. If Eminem is to survive in the hip hop game, he must progress like he did earlier in his career instead of regressing like he has been of late. Otherwise, it might be curtains for the infamous Detroit rapper.

Dog's Worst Friend

Let’s be honest, Michael Vick will never have a successful NFL career again and we can attribute it to one group of people: dog-lovers. As a nation, we are a pretty forgiving people—but offend dog-people and all bets are off. For Michael Vick, it would be better if he never showed his face in public again.

In case you’ve forgotten, Michael Vick was sent to jail on animal cruelty charges for drowning and electrocuting pitbulls, on top of organizing an underground dog-fighting ring. You don’t have to be a dog-lover to realize how awful this is. It’s one of those gut reactions we have as humans; if your natural reaction is to squirm or cringe, it passes the test—it’s wrong. And usually gravely wrong. As far as I’m concerned, you need to go away if you hurt defenseless animals, touch kids, litter, or wear guy-liner (which probably means you touch kids, so it’s a wash). I’m sure you all know one or two dog-lovers out there. They’re highly irrational when it comes to their dogs—buying them clothes, accessories, gourmet food, and pampering them any way possible. You could show dog-lovers a movie in which 1,000 grown men get mowed down by machine gunfire and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But hurt one hair on a dog’s head and they will walk right out. A few weeks back I made a joke about Sean Penn playing “Marley” in Marley and Me, satirizing the fact that dogs often receive more sympathy than even the greatest movie characters ever portrayed.

You had better believe that dog-lovers will be out in full force, PETA-style, if Michael Vick gets a job with an NFL team. He sure isn’t welcome back in Atlanta where the Falcons are now being led by Matt Ryan, the squeaky-clean golden boy from Boston College. Some teams have already expressed interest in Vick, not because he’s a great player (because he’s not), but because he’s a spectacle. You know what else is a spectacle? A football player with an arm growing out of his ass. Any team thinking about signing Vick should really consider the ramifications—it is going to be a public relations nightmare. One-hundred thousand apologies would not get Vick back in the good graces of the public. Moreover, dog-lovers rallying and protesting outside NFL stadiums will make game-days very uncomfortable for a lot of fans.

You'd think because Ray Lewis, an NFL'er formerly suspected of murder, has reintegrated himself into the league that Vick would be able to do the same. It's the difference between suspicion and conviction, and humans and dogs. Vick will never, and should never, be able to live this down. Dog people will be sure of it.

Tweeting

Let’s be honest, Twitter doesn’t exactly work for those of us in corporate America. Actually, it doesn’t work for a lot of people—people who think their lives are more interesting than they really are. I realize my life isn’t interesting enough for Twitter, and you know what? I’m okay with that. Yesterday I pretended I had a Twitter account and recorded updates as to what I did all day. Here’s what transpired.

6:07: Hit the snooze button on my alarm 3 times this morning. Out of bed, finally. Ugh.

6:53: Worked out my core with Maya from “Wii Fitness Coach” for 30 minutes…what an accomplishment! I’m really proud of myself.

7:00: Ann Curry is filling in for Meredith Vieira on The Today Show. Love Annie!

8:27: Listening to some sweet tunes on the way to work. Journey, anyone? Don’t stop! Belieeeeeeeeeevin!

8:45: Only 8 new emails when I opened my Inbox :). Going to be a great day! Time to put the headphones on…

9:39: I hate when the systems are slow! Waiting…ugh.

11:46: Who left a tuna fish sandwich in the refrigerator over the weekend? Party, I mean Office, Foul! LOL!

12:15: Stuck inside eating at my desk…so jealous of all my friends at the beach...love you guys! Have fun!

2:12: Uh-oh, just got a fire drill. Looks like today might be busier than expected…

2:59: Starving…need an afternoon snack

3:01: Trip to the vending machine…a success! Hunger quenched…

4:25: Need to prepare for a conference call with some folks in Hawaii…thinking of my last trip to Hawaii and how great it would be to go again. Which reminds me, did anyone see The Hills last week? Brody and Audrina! OMG!

5:47: Conference call just ended…boy am I drained! Time to head home…

6:36: Relaxing on the couch, waiting for some dinner…I feel like chicken tonight! Like chicken tonight! LOL!

10:04: Great night of relaxing and TV watching…rinse, wash, and repeat and do it all again tomorrow!

I feel bad that I had to subject you all to that; that was painful just to write. If you have a desk job, I doubt the majority of your days are vastly different. The point of the story: no one cares what I do on an hourly basis. And if you do, please inform me so I can file a restraining order. My advice: enjoy and be immersed in what you’re actually doing rather than planning your activities based on what sounds good on a Twitter or Facebook update!