Dog's Worst Friend

Let’s be honest, Michael Vick will never have a successful NFL career again and we can attribute it to one group of people: dog-lovers. As a nation, we are a pretty forgiving people—but offend dog-people and all bets are off. For Michael Vick, it would be better if he never showed his face in public again.

In case you’ve forgotten, Michael Vick was sent to jail on animal cruelty charges for drowning and electrocuting pitbulls, on top of organizing an underground dog-fighting ring. You don’t have to be a dog-lover to realize how awful this is. It’s one of those gut reactions we have as humans; if your natural reaction is to squirm or cringe, it passes the test—it’s wrong. And usually gravely wrong. As far as I’m concerned, you need to go away if you hurt defenseless animals, touch kids, litter, or wear guy-liner (which probably means you touch kids, so it’s a wash). I’m sure you all know one or two dog-lovers out there. They’re highly irrational when it comes to their dogs—buying them clothes, accessories, gourmet food, and pampering them any way possible. You could show dog-lovers a movie in which 1,000 grown men get mowed down by machine gunfire and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But hurt one hair on a dog’s head and they will walk right out. A few weeks back I made a joke about Sean Penn playing “Marley” in Marley and Me, satirizing the fact that dogs often receive more sympathy than even the greatest movie characters ever portrayed.

You had better believe that dog-lovers will be out in full force, PETA-style, if Michael Vick gets a job with an NFL team. He sure isn’t welcome back in Atlanta where the Falcons are now being led by Matt Ryan, the squeaky-clean golden boy from Boston College. Some teams have already expressed interest in Vick, not because he’s a great player (because he’s not), but because he’s a spectacle. You know what else is a spectacle? A football player with an arm growing out of his ass. Any team thinking about signing Vick should really consider the ramifications—it is going to be a public relations nightmare. One-hundred thousand apologies would not get Vick back in the good graces of the public. Moreover, dog-lovers rallying and protesting outside NFL stadiums will make game-days very uncomfortable for a lot of fans.

You'd think because Ray Lewis, an NFL'er formerly suspected of murder, has reintegrated himself into the league that Vick would be able to do the same. It's the difference between suspicion and conviction, and humans and dogs. Vick will never, and should never, be able to live this down. Dog people will be sure of it.