Piano Man

Let's be honest, Billy Joel's Piano Man is the greatest song ever recorded. Every so often, a publication or radio station will compile a list of the X number of greatest songs ever, and they all have some common names atop the list--Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Nirvana. The selectors never really specify the criteria, though, probably because opinions on music are entirely subjective anyway. But I've come up with a list of what I believe are appropriate criteria, and Piano Man is right on key.

In order to be considered the greatest song ever, the song has to be likable, above all. Since I began testing my hypothesis over nine years ago, I've asked countless people of all ages and backgrounds if they like the song Piano Man. I didn't ask them if they loved it, if they think it's great, or if it's their favorite song ever. I asked if they liked it. You know how many "No" responses I received over the years? Zero. Not one person could truthfully say they disliked the song. Isn't it logical to conclude that a song without a detractor would be a rather highly qualified candidate for the greatest ever? Now I realize I'm opening myself up to be proven wrong here because someone will say they don't like the song just to disprove the theory. But to date, I have not heard of a person who does not "like" the song, at the very least. Sidebar: any meatball or diva that only listens to one type of music and refuses to acknowledge any other kind is discredited and disqualified from this conversation. I can already say that Stairway to Heaven and Smells Like Teen Spirit don't have the same likability factor, so they fail the first criterion. To be specific, I would say the greatest song ever would have to be liked by between 90 and 95 out of 100 qualified respondents. And I'm confident Piano Man achieves that--it has in my experience so far.

Secondly, the song has to be relatable. Everyone can relate to the characters in because of their own situations or those of close friends. The man who reminisces over memories from his younger days. The bartender who could be a moviestar if he didn't have to waste his life pouring shots. The career-focused man who never had time for a wife. "Davey" from the Navy who devoted his life to the service. The people who go to the bar to forget about life for a while. It doesn't hurt that the song features one of the greatest lines ever written as well--"Well the waitress is practicing politics/While the businessman slowly gets stoned/And they're sharing a drink they call loneliness/But it's better than drinking alone". Who can't relate to at least one of these? How many people are stuck in dead-end jobs and have aspirations of doing something they love? How often do we see people so obsessed with work that they shun a family life? And how often do we look forward to happy hour on Friday to forget about life for a while? Like I said, the characters and situations are relatable to every man and woman--something that can't be said about most other greatest-song-considerations.

Thirdly, the song has to be timeless. These situations are timeless because they focus on human nature--they could occur in any decade in any country in the world. The sound is timeless as well. The simple piano and harmonica combination will never really go out of style, and Billy's voice doesn't fall into a certain era of music either. The Stones, Beatles, Dylan and Zeppelin are easily identifiable and traceable to the classic rock sound of the 60's and 70's while Nirvana is obviously the early 90's grunge sound. Piano Man could probaby even blend in with pop music today. Don't think so? Listen to the songs Jason Mraz and The Fray release to the radio as singles...not too far off.

Lastly, the song has to be composed by a credible musician. No need for me to run down Billy Joel's track record for you to know he's an unbelievable singer/songwriter. I doubt it happens, but this criterion simply eliminates any one-hit wonders from appearing on the list. The credibility has to be there from the author, and in this case it is.

I always say the 3 things people should never argue over are religion, politics, and music because the debating parties will rarely concede their stances. However, the criteria I've laid out for this argument are fairly clear cut and, in my opinion, quite reasonable and objective. Piano Man is the only song I know of that fits into each, making it by default the greatest song ever recorded. Disagree? I'd love to hear it. Let's go in.