Let's be honest, baseball doesn't have the best athletes in sports by any means. Suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine each team had to draft an athlete from a different sport. Some teams would benefit from the boost in athleticism while others would fill holes where necessary. I simulated what this draft might look like and some of the results might surprise you...
Before I begin, let me state that I had to make a few assumptions. I first assumed that every one of these players can put a bat on a ball. Given that the hardest thing in sports is to hit a baseball, it's a pretty large assumption. Secondly, I didn't give much credit to NFL running backs. I don't think they have much place in baseball since they are mostly brutes who run through holes, and that doesn't really translate to a skill-based sport. Third, I don't think hockey or soccer players could cut it, either, because of the whole skating thing and the fact that soccer players never use their hands for anything.
The results (worst record to first, as of 9/26):
Nationals- Lebron James
Pirates- Larry Fitzgerald
Orioles- Tiger Woods
Royals- Ussain Bolt
Indians- Jamarcus Russell
Summary of picks 1-5:
The first five picks in any draft are the most impactful. The Nationals jump at Lebron for his overall athleticism and global appeal. He's a physical beats who I imagine could play any sport well. Larry Fitzgerald goes 2nd as a future Gold Glove outfielder. His speed, ball-tracking, and jumping ability would put him right with the game's best defensive outfielders. Tiger goes #3 to the O's--an athlete so technically sound that I could see him playing the left side of the infield quite well. With as disciplined as Tiger is about his swing, I'd pencil him in for 30 homeruns as well. Ussain Bolt goes 4th to the Royals and is an instant force on the basepaths. Lead him off, teach him to bunt, and swiping 100+ bases every season. The biggest surprise of the first five picks is Jamarcus Russell to the Indians at 5. He's built in the same mold as former Indian CC Sabathia, and his frame is conducive to a heavy workload. Combined with his unbelievable arm strength, Russell fits right into the Tribe's rotation...and he won't even have to do any running!
Mets- Drew Brees
Diamondbacks- Kevin Durant
Blue Jays- Andre Johnson
Astros- Kobe Bryant
Padres- Jay Cutler
White Sox- Chris Paul
Reds- Phillip Rivers
A's- Darren Sproles
Brewers- Aaron Rodgers
Rays- Steve Smith
Highlights from picks 6-15:
Drew Brees' canon arm makes him a shoe-in as a starting pitcher for the Mets. Durant, Kobe, and CP3 are all selected on the basis of their overall athleticism. Andre Johnson becomes another freak outfielder like Larry Fitzgerald and A's select scrappy Darren Sproles to fit into their type of station-to-station baseball. Rivers' and Rodgers' powerful arms work in the Reds and Brewers rotations, respectively, and Steve Smith's speed makes him a dynamo on the basepaths which suits the Rays' style.
Mariners- Randy Moss
Twins- Joe Flacco
Cubs- Peyton Manning
Giants- Dwyane Wade
Marlins- Ed Reed
Tigers- Michael Phelps
Braves- Floyd Mayweather, Jr
Rangers- Antonio Gates
Rockies- Derrick Rose
Phillies- Tom Brady
Cardinals- TJ Houshmandzedah
Angels- Dwight Howard
Red Sox- Quentin Jammer
Dodgers- Tony Gonzalez
Yankees- Matt Schaub
Highlights from picks 16-30:
Peyton Manning falls all the way to the Cubbies at #18 because it wouldn't be a draft if the Twins didn't select someone years away from his potential instead. Ed Reed is a steal at 20 for the Marlins because of his ability to cover a ton of ground in cavernous Landshark Stadium. Gates and Tony Gonzalez are taken late because of overall athleticism, the BoSox take Quentin Jammer to patrol rightfield in place of JD Drew's 94 year-old knees, and the Yanks take Matt "The" Schaub as a young promising arm to add to the bullpen or fill the back end of the rotation. Tom Brady brings leadership to the Phils and gives them another option at closer with the demise of Brad Lidge.
So there you go; a meaningless exercise for Tuesday. It's fun to think about and to compare the most highly-skilled and most athletic players in each sport. I know I'm missing some of the world's best, so shout them out if you feel they would translate better than some of the ones I've chosen.
To A People So Helpless
Let's be honest, the American people are helpless against the government. The biggest reason why is the dreaded two-party system forced upon us, essentially taking away any of our real freedom to choose. This isn't about Republicans or Democrats, it's about trying to really figure out what the government does for us.
Every week I get a paycheck that shows a gross amount and a net amount. My employer deducts a percentage from the gross amount without my consent, and I have no input as to what happens to the money I earned. Apparently, that money goes to the government to fund projects and positions that I have no say towards, either. Furthermore, in what other scenario would I continue to give money to someone who made terrible decisions and blew right through it? If I gave my friend money on the promise that he'd improve my life, and then he spent it on 26 inch rims and a sex swing, I'd stop giving him money. If I paid a contractor to fix some pipes in my bathroom, and instead he installed a fish tank in my shower, I'd hire someone else and ask for my money back.
According to the system, I do have a say as to where the money goes when I vote every 2 years for Congress and every 4 years for President. So every couple years I get to chime in and the rest of the time I have to trust the politicians that represent the area in which I live? Digging a little deeper, I really only get to vote for 1 of 2 candidates--a Republican or a Democrat. Well what if I don't want to vote for either? What if neither represent my values? I'm a pretty reasonable guy, so why can't I find a reasonable candidate? Sure, you might think, "I'll vote for a third party candidate." In my best "Kang" (from The Simpsons), "Go ahead, throw your vote away!" It's only funny because it's true. If you prefer neither candidate, like many did in November 2008, what choice do you have? Vote for an independent who will win 4% of the popular vote and not claim one state? Or vote for the opposite of the guy you dislike more? Which of these is worse???
I get a letter in the mail roughly once per month from the RNC that includes a questionairre and an envelope for donation. I actually look forward to the letter now because I can't wait to see how ridiculous the authors have gotten with the questions. I don't have one in front of me to copy, but the questions are along the lines of, "Do you support Barack Obama and his plan to eat babies and kill kittens?" My favorite part of the survey is the final line asking for a donation with checkboxes next to each of the following choices: "$5,000," "$1,000," "$500," "$100," "$50," and "$0 and I wish for the Democrats to stay in power for another 4 years." That's actually true, and you can ask anyone that's received the survey to vouch for it. I even wrote a note back with the last survey stating that I'm embarrassed by the party and I won't contribute until it finds better candidates.
A lot of people compare our current state to early 1900's Germany, but they do so for the wrong reasons. The US in 2009 is not Nazi Germany (yet), but the American people are awfully reminiscient of a helpless Germany, post WWI. The Treaty of Versailles ravaged the country and made it so powerless that Adolf Hitler waltzed into power with ease. If our government continues to ravage us like the Treaty of Versailles, the people will revolt. We will be left so powerless, so helpless, that we will have no choice but to call for a revolution. We will vote for independent candidates. We'll vote in ethical candidates with values aligned to our own. And we will stop giving money to those in whom we do not believe. We will make a change, and the two major parties will not know what hit them.
Every week I get a paycheck that shows a gross amount and a net amount. My employer deducts a percentage from the gross amount without my consent, and I have no input as to what happens to the money I earned. Apparently, that money goes to the government to fund projects and positions that I have no say towards, either. Furthermore, in what other scenario would I continue to give money to someone who made terrible decisions and blew right through it? If I gave my friend money on the promise that he'd improve my life, and then he spent it on 26 inch rims and a sex swing, I'd stop giving him money. If I paid a contractor to fix some pipes in my bathroom, and instead he installed a fish tank in my shower, I'd hire someone else and ask for my money back.
According to the system, I do have a say as to where the money goes when I vote every 2 years for Congress and every 4 years for President. So every couple years I get to chime in and the rest of the time I have to trust the politicians that represent the area in which I live? Digging a little deeper, I really only get to vote for 1 of 2 candidates--a Republican or a Democrat. Well what if I don't want to vote for either? What if neither represent my values? I'm a pretty reasonable guy, so why can't I find a reasonable candidate? Sure, you might think, "I'll vote for a third party candidate." In my best "Kang" (from The Simpsons), "Go ahead, throw your vote away!" It's only funny because it's true. If you prefer neither candidate, like many did in November 2008, what choice do you have? Vote for an independent who will win 4% of the popular vote and not claim one state? Or vote for the opposite of the guy you dislike more? Which of these is worse???
I get a letter in the mail roughly once per month from the RNC that includes a questionairre and an envelope for donation. I actually look forward to the letter now because I can't wait to see how ridiculous the authors have gotten with the questions. I don't have one in front of me to copy, but the questions are along the lines of, "Do you support Barack Obama and his plan to eat babies and kill kittens?" My favorite part of the survey is the final line asking for a donation with checkboxes next to each of the following choices: "$5,000," "$1,000," "$500," "$100," "$50," and "$0 and I wish for the Democrats to stay in power for another 4 years." That's actually true, and you can ask anyone that's received the survey to vouch for it. I even wrote a note back with the last survey stating that I'm embarrassed by the party and I won't contribute until it finds better candidates.
A lot of people compare our current state to early 1900's Germany, but they do so for the wrong reasons. The US in 2009 is not Nazi Germany (yet), but the American people are awfully reminiscient of a helpless Germany, post WWI. The Treaty of Versailles ravaged the country and made it so powerless that Adolf Hitler waltzed into power with ease. If our government continues to ravage us like the Treaty of Versailles, the people will revolt. We will be left so powerless, so helpless, that we will have no choice but to call for a revolution. We will vote for independent candidates. We'll vote in ethical candidates with values aligned to our own. And we will stop giving money to those in whom we do not believe. We will make a change, and the two major parties will not know what hit them.
Ultimate Guy Movie
Let’s be honest, Shawshank Redemption is the Ultimate Guy Movie. I can only opine on movies I’ve seen (and you’ll see there’s plenty I have not) and tried to narrow down my list to sixteen movies. I conducted the experiment single-elimination tournament-style and randomly split up the comedies, mafia movies, and character-driven movies, so as to make the first round a little more even.
I chose the first round winner by “street-cred”—that is, when you’re discussing your favorite movies with another guy, which comes first in the list out of the two. Every great Guy movie has to have a good ending, so that’s how I decided the second round. Main characters of Guy movies often reach iconic status, so that was the criteria for the third round. The finals were decided by which I thought was the best overall movie/story. Let’s go in.
FIRST ROUND (decided by better “street-cred”)
The Godfather def. The Big Lebowski
As much as I love The Big Lebowski, this is a no brainer. The Godfather is widely acclaimed as the greatest movie ever made, and it is hard to argue otherwise.
Rocky def. The Matrix
The Matrix is brilliant, but I’ll admit, it’s a little nerdy. Everyone loves Rock.
The Godfather II def. Fight Club
Once again, it’s hard to argue against any of the Godfather movies in terms of street-cred. Well, except Part III.
Shawshank Redemption def. Animal House
Animal House may be the greatest comedy ever made, but Shawshank may be the best movie ever made. Tough draw, Animal House.
Office Space def. American Psycho
I get strange looks when I tell people I really enjoyed American Psycho. Everyone can relate to Office Space.
Goodfellas def. Gladiator
Ray Liotta, Bobby DeNiro, and Joe Peschi are three guys we’d all want to hang out with. Russell Crowe kicks ass in Gladiator, but we’d prefer drinks and cards with the boys.
The Departed def. Caddyshack
Scorsese movies ooze street-cred, and DeCaprio, Damon, and Wahlberg turn in outstanding All-Guy Team performances.
The Usual Suspects def. Saving Private Ryan
The characters, the quotes, the twists…Usual Suspects takes this one over the epic WWII tale.
SECOND ROUND (decided by better ending)
The Godfather def. Rocky
Don Vito Corleone has passed, leaving Michael in charge. He has prominent members of the other families killed, vaulting the Corleone Family to the top of the food-chain and sending the message that he’s not to be F’d with. Rocky would have had to KO’d Adrian at the end of the movie in order for it to have a chance of beating The Godfather.
Shawshank Redemption def. The Godfather II
Andy masterminds his escape from Shawshank while simultaneously hanging the warden out to dry. And after years together on the inside, Red and Andy meet back up on a beach in Mexico. The most rewarding ending I’ve ever seen.
Office Space def. Goodfellas
It doesn’t end well for our buddies from Goodfellas, whether they be whacked or snatched up. In Office Space, Peter, Michael, and Samir don’t get the money they planned to launder from Initech but at least they get out of it (thanks to Milton) and all end up with new jobs.
The Usual Suspects def. The Departed
Verbal Kint IS Kaiser Soze. Are you freakin kidding me??? Verbal pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes…the police, his friends, and us. I also disliked Scorsese’s mass extermination at the end. It was a little too deus ex machina for me and seemed like a cop-out (Get it? "Cop" out).
SEMI-FINALS (decided by main character)
Shawshank Redemption (Andy Dufresne) def. The Godfather (Vito Corleone)
This was tough. Don Vito was loved by his family, respected by his enemies, and acted righteously in his business. Despite this, I give the nod to Andy for surviving in Shawshank, routinely proving (in a humble way) that he was the smartest guy in the room, helping fellow prisoners better themselves, and achieving the sweetest revenge. In the end, Andy won.
The Usual Suspects def. Office Space
We would all love to be Peter Gibbons if we knew our boss would react the same way Bill Lumberg did. He stops showing up for work, tells off his boss, and gets a promotion for it! Ulimately, though, Verbal Kint’s storytelling genius and incredible deception trump anything Peter Gibbons could do.
FINALS (decided by overall movie/story)
Shawshank Redemption def. The Usual Suspects
At this point it’s basically a flip of the coin. The difference is that you feel good at the end of Shawshank whereas you feel tricked at the end of Usual Suspects. Usual Suspects probably has more rewatchability, but the satisfaction from the ending of Shawshank and the triumph of the main character make it my Ultimate Guy Movie.
I chose the first round winner by “street-cred”—that is, when you’re discussing your favorite movies with another guy, which comes first in the list out of the two. Every great Guy movie has to have a good ending, so that’s how I decided the second round. Main characters of Guy movies often reach iconic status, so that was the criteria for the third round. The finals were decided by which I thought was the best overall movie/story. Let’s go in.
FIRST ROUND (decided by better “street-cred”)
The Godfather def. The Big Lebowski
As much as I love The Big Lebowski, this is a no brainer. The Godfather is widely acclaimed as the greatest movie ever made, and it is hard to argue otherwise.
Rocky def. The Matrix
The Matrix is brilliant, but I’ll admit, it’s a little nerdy. Everyone loves Rock.
The Godfather II def. Fight Club
Once again, it’s hard to argue against any of the Godfather movies in terms of street-cred. Well, except Part III.
Shawshank Redemption def. Animal House
Animal House may be the greatest comedy ever made, but Shawshank may be the best movie ever made. Tough draw, Animal House.
Office Space def. American Psycho
I get strange looks when I tell people I really enjoyed American Psycho. Everyone can relate to Office Space.
Goodfellas def. Gladiator
Ray Liotta, Bobby DeNiro, and Joe Peschi are three guys we’d all want to hang out with. Russell Crowe kicks ass in Gladiator, but we’d prefer drinks and cards with the boys.
The Departed def. Caddyshack
Scorsese movies ooze street-cred, and DeCaprio, Damon, and Wahlberg turn in outstanding All-Guy Team performances.
The Usual Suspects def. Saving Private Ryan
The characters, the quotes, the twists…Usual Suspects takes this one over the epic WWII tale.
SECOND ROUND (decided by better ending)
The Godfather def. Rocky
Don Vito Corleone has passed, leaving Michael in charge. He has prominent members of the other families killed, vaulting the Corleone Family to the top of the food-chain and sending the message that he’s not to be F’d with. Rocky would have had to KO’d Adrian at the end of the movie in order for it to have a chance of beating The Godfather.
Shawshank Redemption def. The Godfather II
Andy masterminds his escape from Shawshank while simultaneously hanging the warden out to dry. And after years together on the inside, Red and Andy meet back up on a beach in Mexico. The most rewarding ending I’ve ever seen.
Office Space def. Goodfellas
It doesn’t end well for our buddies from Goodfellas, whether they be whacked or snatched up. In Office Space, Peter, Michael, and Samir don’t get the money they planned to launder from Initech but at least they get out of it (thanks to Milton) and all end up with new jobs.
The Usual Suspects def. The Departed
Verbal Kint IS Kaiser Soze. Are you freakin kidding me??? Verbal pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes…the police, his friends, and us. I also disliked Scorsese’s mass extermination at the end. It was a little too deus ex machina for me and seemed like a cop-out (Get it? "Cop" out).
SEMI-FINALS (decided by main character)
Shawshank Redemption (Andy Dufresne) def. The Godfather (Vito Corleone)
This was tough. Don Vito was loved by his family, respected by his enemies, and acted righteously in his business. Despite this, I give the nod to Andy for surviving in Shawshank, routinely proving (in a humble way) that he was the smartest guy in the room, helping fellow prisoners better themselves, and achieving the sweetest revenge. In the end, Andy won.
The Usual Suspects def. Office Space
We would all love to be Peter Gibbons if we knew our boss would react the same way Bill Lumberg did. He stops showing up for work, tells off his boss, and gets a promotion for it! Ulimately, though, Verbal Kint’s storytelling genius and incredible deception trump anything Peter Gibbons could do.
FINALS (decided by overall movie/story)
Shawshank Redemption def. The Usual Suspects
At this point it’s basically a flip of the coin. The difference is that you feel good at the end of Shawshank whereas you feel tricked at the end of Usual Suspects. Usual Suspects probably has more rewatchability, but the satisfaction from the ending of Shawshank and the triumph of the main character make it my Ultimate Guy Movie.
Business S & M
Let's be honest, no car dealership has made a sale based on the merit of its commercials. Growing up, I blamed the quality (or lack thereof) on the rinky dink cable provider in central New Jersey. But having lived in Boston and Orlando since, I've easily concluded that the talent and strategies of the dealers are to blame. Car dealerships are an easy target, but they represent an underlying problem--driving sales through hard and up-selling rather than using a marketing plan.
Every region in the country has its own clowns, but Orlando's are too good for me not to share. Take Scott Dance, for instance, and his little gremlin of a daughter, Grace. Perhaps Scott thinks that by oppressing his daughter into servitude that he'll feed me that "family vibe" and make me want to rush out to buy a car from him. He themed his 4th of July commercials around a "Ho Down" (What? Yup) and opted for a "Camelot" theme for Labor Day (Again, what?) where he and Gracie dress up as a king and princess. Competitor David Maus has no camera presence in his ads, looking incredibly awkward with one hand on his hip and the other gesturing like Bill Clinton. My favorite part about Dave's strategy is that he changes his slogan for almost every commercial. "Right here, right now." "Whatever it takes." "Give us the opportunity." "I hate consistency." "I'm begging you." Tom Parks, another dealer in central Florida, belives an animated dog named "Mr. Unbelievable" will do the trick. Again, I'm picking on car dealerships, but the problem spreads far beyond.
Why does no one place any importance on marketing? How come when Joe Blow starts a real estate company, he hires his wife or sister to be the Director of Marketing? As a marketing major, it's insulting! It's not just logos, colors, and party planning, unbeknowst to the majority. Strategy, positioning, utilzing effective channels, innovators and early adoptors, copywriting, demographics, psychographics...if you have no idea what any of these are, and you plan on running a business, you're in trouble my friend. The problem is that any chimp with a new banana can become Chiquita's top seller. It takes personality and passion to be a great salesman. It takes a fundamental understanding of business to be a great marketer...bingo, there it is. Unfortunately, sales directly create revenue while marketing efforts need to be tracked to see the impact, and a lot of companies don't have the time, resources, or even desire to do so. As we all know, 90% of salespeople will pitch to anyone with a pulse and forget about the client as soon as he leaves the door and his check clears. Marketers aim to find the ideal customer for the product and stay with him for life, because they understand the value of building relationships. Think about it, if you could identify exactly who needed your product and found out the best way to reach them, the battle's already half-won! It's like fishing with dynamite! To borrow a horrible analogy from Alice and Wonderland--if you reach a fork in the road without a marketing plan to tell you which way to go, then surely either way will do.
Accounting and finance jobs will always be placed atop the business food chain because money makes the world go round and "if it don't make dollars then it don't make cents." In a time when companies are struggling to stay afloat, leaders should be looking to the future to grow their businesses in a way that makes most sense for the consumers instead of cutting low-level do-bitches. Marketing Plans for Dummies should be on the New York Times Best Seller list every week, but the people who would benefit most from the book likely don't even realize they need it. Maybe the author needs a better marketing plan.
Every region in the country has its own clowns, but Orlando's are too good for me not to share. Take Scott Dance, for instance, and his little gremlin of a daughter, Grace. Perhaps Scott thinks that by oppressing his daughter into servitude that he'll feed me that "family vibe" and make me want to rush out to buy a car from him. He themed his 4th of July commercials around a "Ho Down" (What? Yup) and opted for a "Camelot" theme for Labor Day (Again, what?) where he and Gracie dress up as a king and princess. Competitor David Maus has no camera presence in his ads, looking incredibly awkward with one hand on his hip and the other gesturing like Bill Clinton. My favorite part about Dave's strategy is that he changes his slogan for almost every commercial. "Right here, right now." "Whatever it takes." "Give us the opportunity." "I hate consistency." "I'm begging you." Tom Parks, another dealer in central Florida, belives an animated dog named "Mr. Unbelievable" will do the trick. Again, I'm picking on car dealerships, but the problem spreads far beyond.
Why does no one place any importance on marketing? How come when Joe Blow starts a real estate company, he hires his wife or sister to be the Director of Marketing? As a marketing major, it's insulting! It's not just logos, colors, and party planning, unbeknowst to the majority. Strategy, positioning, utilzing effective channels, innovators and early adoptors, copywriting, demographics, psychographics...if you have no idea what any of these are, and you plan on running a business, you're in trouble my friend. The problem is that any chimp with a new banana can become Chiquita's top seller. It takes personality and passion to be a great salesman. It takes a fundamental understanding of business to be a great marketer...bingo, there it is. Unfortunately, sales directly create revenue while marketing efforts need to be tracked to see the impact, and a lot of companies don't have the time, resources, or even desire to do so. As we all know, 90% of salespeople will pitch to anyone with a pulse and forget about the client as soon as he leaves the door and his check clears. Marketers aim to find the ideal customer for the product and stay with him for life, because they understand the value of building relationships. Think about it, if you could identify exactly who needed your product and found out the best way to reach them, the battle's already half-won! It's like fishing with dynamite! To borrow a horrible analogy from Alice and Wonderland--if you reach a fork in the road without a marketing plan to tell you which way to go, then surely either way will do.
Accounting and finance jobs will always be placed atop the business food chain because money makes the world go round and "if it don't make dollars then it don't make cents." In a time when companies are struggling to stay afloat, leaders should be looking to the future to grow their businesses in a way that makes most sense for the consumers instead of cutting low-level do-bitches. Marketing Plans for Dummies should be on the New York Times Best Seller list every week, but the people who would benefit most from the book likely don't even realize they need it. Maybe the author needs a better marketing plan.
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