NastraDENmus

Let's be honest, I control the universe. I'm not saying I'm the axis the world spins on, but I certainly have some kind of power that influences world events. The shirt I wear or seating choice in the living room can alter the outcome of sporting events and my breakfast options can dictate the success of interviews. I used to be skeptical of this, but the Yankees' World Series victory last week confirmed my suspicions. Since I seem to be on quite a roll lately, let me make some world predictions for the next calendar year. And in the words of DJ Clue: Remember where you heard it first, stupid.

Let me establish my credibility first. I predicted the Yankees would beat the Phillies in 6 and lose both of Cliff Lee's starts. On the days of the two losses, I was either not wearing a Yankees shirt or put it on midway through the game. On the days they won, I had a Yankees shirt on from start to finish. I think that qualifies me to predict the future of the world, doesn't it?

Sports: Manny Pacquaio will lose to Miguel Cotto on November 14th, crushing all boxing fans' hopes of a Pacquaio-Mayweather fight-to-end-all-fights-showdown in Las Vegas next summer...it's just too good to be true. The Jets won't make the playoffs but Mark Sanchez will gain #2 stud status in the city behind Derek Jeter. The Colts will win the Super Bowl and Giants fans will continue to believe (wrongly) that Eli is just as good as Peyton Manning. Harvard or Northeastern will not win the Beanpot. The Yankees will remain the better, cooler, and handsomer team than the Red Sox, and repeat as World Series champs in 2010.

Music: 50 Cent will beef with someone, hopefully someone from a boy-band. Kanye West will return with a mega-album and then get back on everyone's bad side when he interrupts the Pope mid-Eucharistic prayer. "Yo, Pope Benedict, I'ma let you finish, but JPII had one of the best masses at Giants Stadium OF ALL TIME!!" Carrie Underwood will continue to clean up at the Country Music Awards, and I will continue to laugh at 90% of the audience wearing cowboy hats. Miley Cyrus will actually go away for a little while while Taylor Swift gets even bigger.

Politics: Nancy Pelosi will issue an ultimatum to Washington DC: people will die each day until Batman reveals his identity. She will attempt to ambush a police caravan carrying Harvey Dent, but Batman and Commissioner Gordon intervene and capture her. She will be interrogated at police headquarters but escape with the aid of a smoke bomb. Pelosi will force all DC's residents to evacuate the city by ferry and place hidden explosives on those ferries. Her plot will be foiled and she will realize that Batman truly is incorruptible.

Business: Unemployment will rise to 11% before it decreases again. The last of the banks will fail, but will be bailed out...again. Black Friday 2010 kicks off the official turnaround in the economy. Apple's newest version of the iPhone will actually wipe your ass for you, and flush. Jim Cramer will miraculously survive another year while posting the highest blood pressure statistics known to man.

Celebrity: Kate Gosselin will be the focus of a sex tape scandal. Lauren Conrad will fail at everything she attempts and will suffer an untimely death when her brain explodes trying to read her own book. Ryan Seacrest will be elected governor of California. Diddy will ink a deal with TLC to use the girls from Toddlers & Tiaras in his next Making the Band spinoff.

I have just liberated you from watching any television or reading any news for the next year, and you can take these predictions to the bank. Only I can change the future though, so if anyone is opposed to the predictions above just let me know and I will put on a different shirt.