Let's Be Honest

2nd Thoughts

2009-12-29T09:04:00.001-05:00

I’ll be honest, I’ve had fun over the last 54 weeks. I’m taking a short break and possibly returning with a new format and/or medium, but a lot has changed in the last year. I’d like to close this short chapter with my 2nd Thoughts on each of the topics I covered this past year, given what we all know now. I figure no one actually works during the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so here’s my gift to you if you need to kill some time. Enjoy, thank you for reading over the past year, and I’ll be back soon.

Vol 1- It’s Britney, Bitch
Unfortunately, Miley Cyrus is heading right down the Britney path. Their careers aren’t that far off…mega stars at 16, protected/abused by their fathers, underage sex symbols, terrible singers, desire for independence and acceptance…it’s like Miley’s diving head-first into a the shallow end even though she just saw Britney break her neck.

Vol 2- Mating Like Rabbits
The Duggars announced in September that Michelle is having #20. This disgusts me. I’m just surprised Jim Bob wanted to get back in the sack with her.

Vol 3- HS Reunion
I have an idea of who will plan my high school reunion, and if I’m invited, I’d like to go. My sister’s reunion (same high school) was at a local bar with a reputation of allowing underage patrons, though, so it might be pretty jammed up. I assume everyone gravitates toward the people they hung out with in high school, and everyone keeps in touch via Facebook anyway, thus negating the purpose of a reunion…but what the hey.

Vol 4- What Not to Wear
I know I’m going to horrible when it comes to my children’s clothing choices. I realize I will be the stereotypical dad that imposes strict regulation on hair length, hair cuts, tattoos, piercings, etc…and that’s okay with me. I’d rather have a well-dressed child than an ass-hat wearing skinny jeans and a mullet.

Vol 5- Bad Friends
FYI, this was not about any of my friends. I’ve seen enough people burned by crappy friends, though, enough so to make this commentary. I just hate when people break plans…drives me insane.

Vol 6- Obama Nation
The love affair with the Prez is disgusting. For a guy that’s bankrupting our country for the next 1,000 years, he certainly gets a lot of love. He’s essentially a crook with a silver tongue. But because US citizens are primarily uneducated and unaware, we sit idly by while Obama brings down the ship. Then again, his approval rating continues to drop so perhaps the country is getting smarter?

Vol 7- OMG, Facebook Me!
I’ve heard of quite a bit of people who have deleted their Facebook accounts for exactly this reason—they didn’t want information or pictures posted in the public domain that would hurt their employment prospective. I don’t blame them, and I wish more people were as responsible or even cared as much.

Vol 8- Mount Rapmore
It’s reeeeeeally hard to leave Biggie out of this, but I’m standing by my decision to leave him out for the reasons given. For me, Life After Death was a largely overlooked album outside of the songs that hit the radio and MTV. Listen to “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Kills You”…wow. He just kills songs. Conversely, did I really consider Dame Dash for a bust? The guy is a broke distant memory…it’s sad, actually.

Vol 9- Growing Pains
Michael Phelps seems to have matured and mellowed out a bit since his post-Olympics indulgence. I probably should have cut the guy some slack—he just came off years of diligent training and achieved more than he probably imagined. Can’t fault the guy for wanting to tear through some gazelles.

Vol 10- Taking the First
OK, first I would like to just say: I was wrong. I made these statements about Joe Torre before I read his book, which turned out to be a great book. He didn’t rat out anyone or really blow up anyone’s spot. This is my fault—I read too much of the New York Post.

As for the other part of my commentary, freedom of speech seems like such an easy issue on the surface when in reality it’s quite intricate and socially sensitive. I’m going to go out on a limb and blame liberals for the abuse of the First Amendment since they abuse it when it’s convenient and then cry slander when someone presents a disagreeing opinion. A liberal’s formula for success is to align with any minority and catch anyone that makes a comment resembling offensive content. If a tribe of six-inch warrior man-apes were being discriminated against, Al Sharpton would be first on the scene.

Vol 11- The Curious Case of David M.
Probably my favorite entry of the year and I still can’t believe I actually lived through that. To finish the story, Dave ended up transferring to another school to practice music and a friend of mine said he saw Dave working the register at Virgin Records. Handling money. The dirtiest thing you can put your hands on. I guess he got over the phobia?

Vol 12- Fierce Against Cancer
Cancer continues to claim family members and close friends every year, and it’s shitty every time. I’ll be participating in the Relay for Life again this coming year under the team name “Beat Cancer,” sporting my Boston College Beat Cancer shirt distributed in honor of BC linebacker Mark Herzlich last season.

Vol 13- Tuesdays With Simon
I’ve waited long enough and I’ve given up trying to find a clever way to attack him, so I’m taking this opportunity to blast Adam Lambert. Ok, so I was wrong again: Obama is not the antichrist, Adam Lambert is. I’m pretty sure that hell exists, and I’m fairly certain that Lambert’s performance at the American Music Awards was a preview. He’s a terrible singer, too. There is nothing redeemable about Adam Lambert. I hope anyone that enjoys him is ashamed of him/herself. If I was in a room armed with a gun, 2 bullets, and sat alongside Adam Lambert and Hitler, I would shoot Lambert twice.

I would also like to say that this upcoming season is the beginning of the end for American Idol. Once you start messing with the formula too much, you lose the essence of the show. Ellen will turn out to be not such a wise decision. (I would also like to note that I wrote this follow-up part in the summer of 2009 when the show announced Ellen’s addition. With the recent rumors of Simon’s departure, looks like I was even more right on this one.)

Vol 14- My St Patty’s Day Limerick
A quick stanza for you…

Irish footballers are sure feeling hurt
Once again the saddest fans on the eart’
Lost though they didn’t give up
And jobbed in the World Cup
When Henry sold his soul to Adam Lambert

Vol 15- Seeking Amy
Sex sells, what else can you say?

Vol 16- Sing It Loud, Sing It Proud
I think the basis of this is culture—and Americans don’t have it. Yankees-Red Sox is intense, but it’s hatred between two organizations. Europeans have so much national pride, and even local pride, that it makes their chants much more genuine. They care about their country and town, and when their team loses, it’s a personal insult to both. Since America is full of mutts, we’ll never have this. The World Cup fever will hit the States in the summer of 2010, yet again, and yet again people will think soccer will catch on. It won’t, though, for the same reason hockey and baseball are fading—not enough scoring.

Vol 17- The Easiest Way
I’ve already been asked to download David Archuleta’s and Mandisa’s Christmas albums. So what do American Idol artists do when they can’t sell records? Make Christmas albums! Gets ‘em every time.

Vol 18- The Fuss About Stereotypes
Note the instances at Fort Hood, Detroit, and Denver in the last 4 months. What do all the alleged terrorist suspects have in common? And this is the same thing in common with the alleged 9/11 terrorists, right? I think a little profiling is in line here. On a lighter note, I love stereotypes and cultural insensitivity. They make me laugh, mostly because I don’t take anyone prolific in either very seriously. I laugh when I think about someone getting off a plane in China and yelling “Konichiwa!”

Vol 19- The Difference Between Right and Left
See commentary on Vol 10 and the liberal strategy. Thankfully, the Left got full control of the executive and legislative branch in one of our country’s most critical periods…and both branches are falling flat on their faces. So good luck with that shit.

Vol 20- A Few Of My Favorite Things
A few more to add to the list…all HBO programming (Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, 24/7, Bored to Death), Tim Tebow, White Russians, Le Coq Sportif sneakers, and Kid Cudi.

Vol 21- Tweeting
Twitter was all the rage for a while, but I think it’s slowed down. It’s no longer cool to be on Twitter, since everyone is (except me and I’ve still never been on the site). Facebook is essentially Twitter now, anyway. Which reminds me—why is it that every time I go on Facebook I see the same 10 people’s status updates? And they’re not even people I like. How did I get here? Dammit.

Vol 22- Dog’s Worst Friend
Michael Vick won’t be back in Philly, and if the Eagles bring him back then Isaiah Thomas must be running the team. The PETA backlash hasn’t been as loud as I would have thought, but Vick hasn’t really done anything either. He’ll go to another team and turn their Sundays into a circus, no question.

Vol 23- An Unpleasant Relapse
Despite being one of the worst albums of the year, and despite my knocking of his drug-induced, completely untrue stories, the second verse on “3AM” is one of my top 5 verses of the year. If you just think of the album as a horror movie instead of taking it on face value, you may start to appreciate it a little more.

Vol 24- The Yankee Way
Well, well, well. Looks like the Yankees brass have a clue, after all. Management may be incompetent and scouting might be lacking, but the free agent method of acquiring players actually panned out this year. I am against a salary cap in baseball though, and I don’t even think baseball needs it. This is a conversation for another time, but Darwinism has kicked-in in baseball and replaced the need for a salary cap. Baseball execs got smarter as the Yanks got dumber and richer and thus evened the playing field. And as the Yanks start to discover this elusive concept of OBP 10 years behind the curve, everyone else continues to outsmart them. So for now, I think the state of the game financially is fine.

Vol 25- The Last Great Generation?
Although a proper perspective can’t be gained until much further in the future, it will be interesting to see how we place the Iraqi and Afghan wars in history. Moreover, how will the vets of these wars be treated, and will they be taken care of in their later years? I don’t know if anyone really knows the answer to these questions, but it will be interesting. Sad, but interesting.

Vol 26- Organizational Misbehavior
Got the update from Al since he still knows some of the players for the Maitland Vulture Claws. It hasn’t gotten any better for the players and Al said that more players are about to be cut. No one has heard of any coaches or management being cut still, so the death spiral looks to continue for the foreseeable future. Memo to anyone that still plays there—get out while you can.

Vol 27- Fashion Disasters ‘09
Well, I said early 90’s fashion was going to come back in, although I underestimated the speed at which it would do so. Have you noticed flannel is back in? And when was flannel big? Early 90’s. Maybe I do know what I’m talking about…?

Vol 28- Billy Mays Here!
I understand why Billy’s ads would be pulled, but as a Billy Mays fan, I am all for keeping his commercials on the air. Perhaps it’s tacky or inappropriate to use someone who is deceased for your own profit’s sake, but couldn’t a deal be cut so Billy’s family still gets his share? If he was the best at what he did…and everyone loved him…why take him away from everyone so soon? I’d still buy things that he sold, so what’s the problem?

Vol 29- Diddy Boppin
Hopefully everyone took this a bit tongue in cheek. Diddy is ridiculous, and everyone knows this. Never has someone so mediocre at EVERYTHING earned so much money. But hey, if he’s making money, I guess we can’t really hate on him.

Vol 30- Beyond a Probable Doubt
So Foxy Knoxy is going away for 20 years, and OJ is not guilty? Right.

Vol 31- The Realest
If we role-reverse and take a look at the most NON-realistic depictions, I’ll go with anything by 50 Cent after 2003, 24 for TV (though I still love it), and any one of the Twilight movies. Vampires? Come on.

Vol 32- Science vs. Savage
Lord willing, Floyd Mayweather Jr will fight Manny Pacquiao in the spring of 2010. This will be the highest grossing fight in the history of pay-per-view, and nothing MMA can put forth will ever achieve those numbers. Enough said.

Vol 33- Writers Block
No comment. I was a bit loopy.

Vol 34- Piano Man
I still believe that for the reasons I mentioned, "Piano Man" is the greatest song ever. However, my #2 song goes against every criterion I laid out. For the opposite reason of everything I wrote about, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is my runner-up for greatest song. I don’t have any rhyme or reason here, since it’s not relatable nor is it timeless. It’s actually quite dated, and has no practical application. It’s for entertainment purposes only (unless it’s a metaphor for something that I’m missing). But tell me you don’t get fired up when you hear that first part come in…DA DAAAA! DA DA DAAA!

Vol 35- Problems at the Top
It’s not the NFL’s fault, but Chris Henry’s accidental death does not look great for the league. He had a history of problems, despite friends saying he’d turned a corner. There are too many bad apples in the NFL and the commish doesn’t do enough about it. As far as baseball goes, if it’s revealed that Derek Jeter took steroids, the league might as well fold.

Vol 36- Healthscare
Looks like Barry is going to win this one, even though the bills have no merit. No one from across the aisle supports either the House or Senate bill, so it’s being passed strictly on party bias. Since Obama was raised by a single mother in a not-so-affluent area, he’s used to the government providing for every person’s needs (borrowing this theory from an unnamed relative). That’s his view of government. Unfortunately, American’s culturally do NOT like big government. We are largely anti-authority. I’ve spoken to people in Canada and I’ve spoken to people in Norway. These countries have government funded schools and healthcare, but the highest tax rates are anywhere from 50 to 65%!! You realize that’s how these things work, right? You can’t have free shit and nobody to pay for it. Taxes will have to increase, and they’ll increase the most on the upper class. 2 things will happen as a result of this, not necessarily in this order: 1) The wealthy will move their money out of the country and 2) CEO’s will institute higher salaries. If the wealthy are being taxed more, they’ll want to EARN more to counteract the additional tax. And people will continue to freak out that upper management makes so much money. Well it all has to start somewhere, and I’m looking right at the Prez for this one.

Vol 37- Blueprint 3
As I’ve noted—album reviews after 2-3 listens always prove to be premature. This was a good example. The best song on this album is “Already Home,” produced by Kanye West and featuring Kid Cudi. This is actually the best song by any artist in 2009. The second best song on the album is “Empire State of Mind,” featuring Alicia Keys, which turned out to be the 2009 World Series Champion New York Yankees’ theme song. Several months removed from my first listen, I’d probably put this above American Gangster but below Blueprint and Reasonable Doubt.

Vol 38- Business S&M
I haven’t seen as much of Bob and Grace Dance in the past 2 weeks, which means: 1) they’re out of money, 2) they’ve decided people are getting irritated with their CONSTANT advertising, or 3) I haven’t been watching enough television. Definitely #3.

Vol 39- Ultimate Guy Movie
Huge mistake by me leaving Swingers out of this. Complete oversight and I’m embarrassed that I did so. I don’t want to get overhyped, but The Hangover will one day be considered one of the funniest movies ever made. I cringe at the thought of a sequel though…can really only make things worse.

Vol 40- To A People So Helpless
My prediction: Sarah Palin will eventually run as an independent, and she will…gulp…win? Nah. Well, who knows. But an independent will win the presidency in the next 24 years.

Vol 41- A Draft of a Different Color
So I’m rethinking Jamarcus Russell going so high. How does a guy like that suck so bad at what he does?

Vol 42- Mythbusting
I had no idea about the MTV show Jersey Shore when I wrote this, but I still have not watched it to this day. No reason in particular, just haven’t gotten around to it. But I think everyone now knows what a BENNY is if he or she did not know before.

Vol 43- Relationships 102
To any guy in this situation and over the age of 25…LOCK IT UP. It’s not getting any better for you.

Vol 44- Global Lessons
Everyone should go to Ireland at some point. And don’t bother going to China. There’s really nothing there…really…I swear…(see 2nd Thoughts on Vol 47)

Vol 45- What Happened to 50 Cent?
He started sucking, that’s what.

Vol 46- NastraDENmus
Predicting Manny Pacquiao would lose to Miguel Cotto was the Mega Jinx. There was no way Manny was losing that fight but I had to do everything in my power to make sure that he didn’t. The Jets are one game away from missing the playoffs, as predicted, and the Colts are still in line to win the Super Bowl. Taylor Swift has gotten even bigger, and is dominating every award category in which she’s eligible. And just remember, next Black Friday turns it all around. You heard it here first.

Vol 47- Culture Shock
Why do I have to watch Andrea Kramer on Meet the Press make error after error and present misconception after misconception about China? Well, mostly because she’s a certified dink. In a recent NBC poll, 37% of Americans think that China will be the world’s most powerful country by 2020, whereas 36% think the US will. And Obama’s been to China once, and he made sure to talk down to everyone. Real nice job, buddy. Konichiwa!

Vol 48- Hearting Palin
She’s going rogue! I like how she’s been handling herself lately—really playing it cool. Anyone who insults her now actually looks kind of stupid (see Martha Stewart). Watch out for her meteoric rise…

Vol 49- What If?
No one plays the Butterfly Effect game better than Malcolm Gladwell. He uses it in a way that’s not ridiculous, either, but instead as a perfect way of establishing a background story. If you read 1 book in 2010, read one of his 4 (The Tipping Point, Blink, Outliers, and What The Dog Saw). Or at least visit www.gladwell.com to read some of his old columns from The New Yorker. My favorite is one called “Coolhunters.”

Vol 50- An Era of Sports Greatness
I’m sure that sports fans in the WWII era and in the 1970’s thought they were witnessing the greatest athletes ever, so it’s no wonder I can make the claim that the greatest play in the era in which I’ve lived. Is it even plausible to think that there will be a hoopster better than MJ, a hockey player greater than Gretz, or a golfer better than Tiger, though? Kobe, Lebron, and Sidney Crosby will test MJ and Wayne, but I don’t think any realistic fans will move any of the former ahead of any of the latter. Tiger is just in a different league, the likes of which we’ve never seen. All his shenanigans aside, he is a marvel to watch…which is why I root for him. I like watching greatness…it pleases me.

Vol 51- 808’s & Chronic
808’s & Heartbreak was the best album of 2008, but it falls to the lower half when I rank my top ten albums of the decade. It was extremely influential and gutsy, and sounds different than almost anything else you’ve heard. The lyrics kill me though. A friend of mine (and staunch Kanye advocate) argues that the simplicity of the lyrics are a perfect complement to the intricacy of the beats, but I’m not buying it. It also seems that Kanye tried so hard to make this more of an art piece than a musical album, but he overlooked some things. He could have blended more beats together so they flowed directly into each other, cut out some of the adlibs, and left off the atrocity otherwise known as Pinocchio Story. On a still-evolving list, I have it in the #6-9 range on the albums of the decade, though.

Vol 52- Letters To Santa
Dear Santa,
Free time. Give me that and a quarter and I’ll have 25 cents.
Aight Chill,
Denis

Letters To Santa

2009-12-20T21:59:00.023-05:00

Let's be honest, we'd all love to take a peek at each other's Christmas lists to find out what we all really want. Fortunately for me, I was able to hijack a mail truck and discover a bunch of letters to Santa. Some I found amusing, others surprising, and yet some very expected. Here are a few of my favorites.

Dear Santa,
Now that I'm single, can you hook me up with Alex Rodriguez's phone number?

Thanks,
Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
Now that I'm single, can you hook me up with Alex Rodriguez's phone number?

Thanks,
Elin Nordegren

Hi Santa!!
Ugh...can you please ruin that skinny bitch Taylor Swift's career? Have one of your elves make up a sex tape with her and Pikachu or something. Btw, have you seen my new tattoo? Yeah you have! And oh yeah, keep that whole me-and-Billy Ray thing quiet...I was hoping Mackenzie Phillips got a better reaction so I could admit it too.

Love Ya!
Miley

Santa,
Can you please tell the same 5 people to stop updating their Facebook status? They take up my entire News Feed every day.

Sincerely,
The Other 99.99% of Facebook Users

Dear Santa,
You and me are pretty close. We're like ebony and ivory. Do me a favor here. My mom has been tearing up the house every Saturday in the fall for the last 10 years, and she doesn't even want to be called "their mother" anymore. I mean, I'd be pretty pissed if the Pittsburgh Pirates called themselves the Pittsburgh Jesuses. So can you please throw us a bone and give Notre Dame football a winning season next year? For crying out loud, this is ridiculous.

Dad bless,
JC

Yo Santa,
I know you're in the Christmas spirit and all, and I'm not one to break up a happy home, but man you should know that your woman just hit me up. Mrs. Claus just texted me, said she wanted to "sex me. LOL :) LOL :)". Then she sent a Twit-pic, saying "Come and get this, LOL :) LOL :)"

Be easy,
Trey Songz

Hey Santa,
Getcha fat ass over here and give me a hot dog, a 20 oz t-bone steak, 3 Big n' Tasties, fries from Johnny Rockets, and a Chick Fil-A milkshake, all on top of a naked woman lathered in Ranch dressing.

Yeah,
Rosie O'Donnell

Dear Santa,
If you've received this, there is hope yet. I am chained to a pipe in the crawl space in my DC apartment and I need you to bust me out. My wife won't be expecting you because she has no soul. Let's just say I'm stuck here. Send help. Quickly.

God speed,
Paul Pelosi

Dear Santa,

I know this isn't really your style, but can you be my agent? See my contract is about to expire and I really need to negotiate an extension. Do you think the Prince of Darkness will do 3 more years if I give him my child's eternity?

Many thanks,
Brett Favre

Dear Santa,
No worries, I'm good.

Thanks,
Giada's husband

Santa,
Please tell Denis to pay more attention to me in 2010.

Thanks,
Playstation 3

Hey Santa,
This year for Christmas I would like water, Gatorade, apple juice, vitamin water, cranberry juice, and milk.

'Preciate it,
John Daly's Liver

Who knew that John Daly's liver could address an envelope? Anyways, Merry Christmas everyone!

808's & Chronic

2009-12-14T19:59:00.005-05:00

Let's be honest, Kanye West's 808's & Heartbreak is The Chronic of a new generation. Few albums can dramatically change the landscape of a musical genre but Kanye did just that on this innovative piece he released in November of 2008. Kanye released the album to critical acclaim and yet voters laid the smackdown just a year later as it was shut out of the 2009 Grammy nominations. First, second, and third-time listens often yield a premature review (guilty as charged), but after a year I can confidently say the album not only withstood the test of time but paved the way for other artists and styles in hip hop. 808's might not be the best album of the last decade, but it was certainly the most influential.

Dr. Dre released The Chronic in 1993, officially putting the new West Coast sound on the map. Up to this point, New Yorkers dominated the hip hop scene while if you heard one N.W.A. album you heard nearly everything the west had to offer. The signature east coast sound was emblazoned with real quick rhymes and low-budget production, emphasizing lyrics over beats. Dr. Dre slowed everything down, often sampling George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic, creating ultra-listenable tunes that weren't nearly as violent as the N.W.A. albums. Granted, the underlying style was still gangster rap so that never really went away, but most importantly, the singles appealed to the mainstream. Suburbians like me could listen to "Let Me Ride" and "Nuthin' But A G Thang" and not have to worry about shouting out to bloods and crips. The crossover ability of The Chronic changed hip hop in that it demonstrated the importance of hit singles. Rappers needed to get away from the hardcore material to establish a single, create hits, and sell records. The same formula applies today, sometimes even to a fault where a hit single sounds nothing like the rest of an album.

Fast forward 15 years and hip hop looked incredibly different. Turn on the radio and without turning the dial you find one-hit wonders, wanna-be gangsters, lying fools, and most importantly--autotune. Though the autotuner has been around for longer than just a few years, we can credit T-Pain for reintroducing it to the mainstream, and introducing it to hip hop. Every rapper and R&B artist felt the need to try the autotuner, and most failed miserably. Just the plain "uncoolness" of some artists killed their autotune experiences. The artists that could pull it off had a certain...je ne sais quoi. You have to be cutting edge, innovative, daring, experimental, unafraid...and all signs pointed to Kanye West.

You can think all you want about Kanye, but 2007 and 2008 could have been a little better for the guy. He lost his mother in a freak plastic surgery procedure-gone-wrong and was dumped by his long time girlfriend and fiance in a span of 6 months. According to legend, Kanye went to the head of Island Def Jam, the album's distributor, in the summer of 2008 and demanded that the album he was working on be released before the end of the year. Up until this time, Kanye was even rumored to be working on the 4th installment of his school-related albums, the 4th supposedly titled Good Ass Job. So he completely shifted gears, used all the pain in his life, and plowed through 808's & Heartbreak. He needed to take advantage of the autotune craze and to take a chance at making an album that, because of the timing of the industry and his life events, had a short window for recording and release. If anyone was going to take autotuner to the next level, it would be Kanye.

If you haven't gathered my feelings toward the album just yet, let's just say it doesn't disappoint. Kanye takes chances on 808's that no other hip hop artist of this time would, and especially not any rapper. First of all, though we can use the term "singing" loosely here, he sings the entire album using the autotuner. Secondly, the subject matter contained topics unheard of in hip hop. Gangsters don't talk about love. Gangsters don't talk about their moms. And gangsters certainly don't talk about having their heart broken. Kanye seduces the listener on the first two tracks with heavy drumbeats, piano chords, ominous background vocals, and lulling yet poignant vocals of his own that set the tone for the rest of the album. He lashes out as his ex for the first of many times, all the while expressing his own desires and faults. The album flows seamlessly into the smash single "Heartless," before attempting to build back his own confidence on "Amazing" and "Love Lockdown." The tracks are compiled in such a way that emulate the breakup process, and Kanye gets himself up here before becoming accusatory towards his ex in "Paranoid" and "Robocop." He then moves into the self-reflection phase on "Street Lights" and back into depression on "Bad News." "See You In My Nightmares" is reminiscient of a long night of binge drinking and anger, and the album ends on "Coldest Winter," his most touching track that puts all his relationship drama aside to focus on how much he misses his late mother. Taking a step back, any listener must realize the brilliance of this compilation. Makes you wish you could put all his nonsense in the media aside, doesn't it?

808's & Heartbreak has made it acceptable for hip hop artists to get outside their comfort zones. The only album as intimate as it is Kid Cudi's Man on the Moon: The End of Day in 2009, not a surprise given the close relationship between Kanye and Cudi (though some say it was Cudi who influenced Kanye when recording 808's). Many hip hop artists are attempting to go the way of dance and electronica because of the 808's influence, and the autotuner still gets heavy play on the airwaves. Kanye blurred the lines between hip hop and pop, and many artists in other genres are starting to blur the lines between genres as well. We continue to see compilations between rockers and hip hoppers, and I wouldn't be surprised to see compilations with crooners in the near future (if it hasn't happened already). Music is becoming less polarizing as artists branch out in style and their listeners branch out in regards to taste. The industry is in a win-win situation as artists push the innovative envelope, and it can thank Mr. West for this.

An Era Of Sports Greatness

2009-12-07T16:40:00.005-05:00

Let's be honest, if you followed sports from 1983 to 2009, you witnessed the greatest athlete to ever play most American sports. In some cases, the greatness is from pure talent while it others that greatness is a product of playing in an era. Of the 4 major American sports, 3 have been played by the greatest player or players the sport has ever seen in just the last 26 years. Golf has also seen its greatest player in that time, and one could make a case that boxing will as well once a certain fighter finishes his career. Nonetheless, we should feel honored to call ourselves sports fans living in this time.

Let's jump right into each sport, here:
NFL- Since the NFL is so position-specific and each is extraordinarily different from the other, we need to separate the greatest players for the 3 major offensive positions. At quarterback you have Brett Favre, running back Emmitt Smith, and wide receiver Jerry Rice. Others exist that you could make an argument for--Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Peyton Manning, and Barry Sanders. None of them change the point though--each of these players played in the league since 1983. The NFL is a sport, though, that has benefitted from the exponential advancement in medical science in that era. The sport is grueling enough that the marvels of modern medicine literally kept (or keep) each of these guys going. Was there natural talent involved? Of course. But put a lot of these same players in the 1950's and they're not as great as they are playing when they did.

NHL- The undisputed answer here is Wayne Gretzky (with some votes for Mario Lemieux) and the goalkeeping honors going to Patrick Roy or Martin Broduer. Gretz's talent would make him a superstar in any era but the goalies benefitted from rules allowing them excessive padding in the 90's. So while Wayne is legit, perhaps Roy and Marty's success is a product of the rules of the game in a specific era.

NBA- Michael Jordan is the greatest to ever play, hence why everyone calls the greatest player of a generation "the next MJ." Though Jordan's talent was undeniable, his success was part in parcel because of the way Magic and Bird opened up the game in the 80's. Jordan didn't know how to be anything but an explosive player who attacked the rim and demanded the ball in late-game situations. That just wasn't the nature of the game in the mid 20th Century, but you never know--maybe he would have been the one to change everything.

Golf/Boxing- Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer to ever play the game, and the margin will widen with each additional year he plays. The guy is 33 and has 71 tour victories, 14 Major champmionships, 10 Player of the Year awards, the lowest scoring average ever, and a 30% win rate. 30%! His work ethic and love of the sport make him even that much better, too. BUT...Jack Nicklaus and Arnie Palmer never had lit driving ranges. Never had rescue clubs. Never had the swing analyzing technology. Never had supplements. As good as Tiger is, he is the prime example of a player taking advantage of his era. Same with Manny Pacquiao, the #1 pound-for-pound fighter in the world. He's won titles in 7 different weight classes, a feat that is his and his alone. He's knocked out some of the greatest fighters in each division--Marco Antonio Barrera, Juan Manuel Marquez, Oscar de la Hoya, Miguel Cotto. But again, Manny has only been able to move up and down in weight class as quickly as he has because of the advances in strength training. He has the benefit of sparring against the world's best and even moving his training camp home to the Phillipines despite fighting solely in the US.

The one sport I'm intentionally avoiding is baseball, of course. I'd like to say that Babe Ruth is the greatest player ever, but who did he even play against? The older players played in a league without much talent, diversity, or travel while the modern players are tainted by the steroid cloud that covers everyone post 1980. Pitchers pitched off mounds of different heights and with balls claimed to be deadened or juiced. There are simply too many deus ex machina events that have changed baseball's history, making it impossible to compare eras.

It's fascinating to think that if you follow sports in this era that you've seen almost every sport's greatest athlete ever. It's just as interesting to think about whether those athletes succeeded from pure talent or something else. I'm not knocking anyone who was a "product of an era," as I called them, though. If athletes can take advantage of their surroundings and exploit either rules or available science to get an edge (legally, of course), then I give them even more props for that. Sometimes it's all about being in the right place at the right time.

What If...?

2009-11-29T21:04:00.007-05:00

Let's be honest, one instance can change the public's perception of someone and start a chain of events that sends that person off the deep end. I realize we could play this game and blow the "butterfly effect" out of the water, but for some people this is quite valid. Unfortunately, the end result of the "What if" game always ends one way: it doesn't matter, because the "if" never happened. But can we imagine what the future would have held for Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Mike Tyson without each of their tragic flaws? Moreover, can we ever separate a person's job performance/responsibility from their personal issues?

I recently attended a showing of This Is It, the movie containing behind-the-scenes footage of Michael Jackson's tour that never was, terminated because of his untimely death. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and was reminded of the reason Michael became the sensation he was--his music, dance, and overall entertainment value. The guy was uber-talented and it's hard to imagine another performer in my lifetime with the talent to reach his echelon. But can we ever have a conversation about Michael or properly assess his place in history without mentioning the allegations of kid-touching? Neglecting to mention the allegations turn them into the 800-pound gorilla in the room no one wants to acknowledge. No hard evidence exists and Michael was acquitted on all criminal charges, but his out-of-court settlements with other children and his overall creepy demeanor in the last ten years only build suspicion. The guy certainly didn't make it easy to think he wasn't touching kids, with the amusement park, fascination with Peter Pan, pajamas in public, and the like. Or maybe he was just a weird dude that wanted to live the childhood he never had vicariously through other children whom he found so innocent and joyful. So what if the allegations never existed? How big would Michael be? It's scary to think of a talent that great with a legacy so clean. But we'll never know, and in Michael's case I think it's impossible to separate his personal issues from his music.

Moving over to politics, Bill Clinton's presidency and overall legacy will be forever tainted because of his relationship with Monica Lewinsky. "Slick Willy" was the benefactor of the youth movement in the 90's as he mobilized generation X'ers who vaulted him into office. Take Lewinsky out of the picture and what would Bill be remembered for? The country experienced substantial economic growth, low unemployment levels through job creation, and lowered trade barriers with our North American couterparts. Of course no president is flawless and he still would be remembered for letting Osama bin Laden escape and encouraging every American to own a house (see 2008-2009...whoops). But in the word-association game, Bill Clinton will always be coupled with Monica Lewinsky, probably more so than he would be with Hillary Clinton. So what if Monica never interned at the White House? Would Bill have found another Monica? Maybe a Bonnie, Victoria, or some other whore? Or would have he avoided perjury, impeachment, and a life-long reputation? It doesn't really matter, because the affair seems to have actually made Bill more popular, and hasn't stopped him from selling books and pushing his political agenda via the Clinton machine. As with Michael Jackson, Bill's personal issues are impossible to separate from his job responsibility.

Lastly, Mike Tyson wouldn't be Mike Tyson without the Evander Holyfield ear-chewing incident. Iron Mike was the toughest, meanest SOB in the sport up until 1990 when he was knocked out by Buster Douglas in Tokyo, Japan. Perhaps he lost because he wasn't as good as the hype, perhaps he underestimated Douglas, but regardless, this wasn't the turning point of his career. On November 9, 1996, Evander Holyfield cleaned Tyson's clock, winning by TKO in the 11th round. Seven months later in the highly-anticipated rematch, Tyson snapped in the 3rd round and was disqualified for biting both of Holyfield's ears in one of the most bizarre moments in sports history. What made Tyson snap? Did he go off the deep end during his prison stint just a few years prior? Was he always psycho, evidenced by the convicted rape of Desiree Washington that put him in prison? Tyson was always a bit scary, which is why he was so successful early in his career, but the Holyfield incident put his insanity right in everyone's faces. Four years later, Tyson commented that he'd "eat Lennox Lewis' children," and he even KO'd Andrew Golota in 2000 despite being high as a kite. The answer to the "What if" question about Tyson appears to be likewise irrelevant because he would have found another way to make news. I don't think the ear-chewing incident made him realize that he was insane and everyone knew it...some people are just wired differently, and Iron Mike is one of those people. Because of this, Mike's career would have spiraled downward somehow and history wouldn't be too much different. Again, can you separate Tyson the boxer from the ear-chewing incident and his impending nutcase status? Nope.

So, boys and girls, what have we learned today? Three cases is hardly a reasonable sample of the population, but unfortunately you can't separate someone's person issues from their job responsibility. And you certainly can't separate those issues from a historical legacy, either. The baggage, for better or worse, becomes engrained in that person and ultimately works in conjunction with everything else to define that person.

Hearting Palin

2009-11-18T22:41:00.006-05:00

Let's be honest, Sarah Palin is the bomb.com. I won't lie to you and say I'm her biggest fan, but what I love most is the chord she has struck with the Left. The Left has spent more time and energy villifying an Alaskan hockey mom than it has trying to solve the healthcare problem, and all for one reason: jealousy.

I remember the day I heard that John McCain selected Sarah Palin (who?) as his running mate. And I remember thinking, "Absolutely brilliant." Loved the idea. The Democratic party just finished waging an internal war where an up-and-coming Chicago governor upset the former president's better half for top billing on the 2008 US Presidential ballot. Hill was the favorite to win the nomination and many people invested many monies to make sure she did so. Only problem, she wasn't cool enough to appeal to young'ns who preferred Barry Obama's energy and freshness. Liberal females who pinned their hopes on Hill were crushed again, left to wonder if a female would ever get on a presidential ticket and represent females across the board. Barry didn't even deem her a suitable running mate, further crushing the female pro-Hillary base and resurrecting the thought that Washington would forever be controlled by crusty old white guys. Next, Republican candidate John McCain weighed his VP options--would he choose Tim Pawlenty? Bobby Jindal? Condi Rice? Nope, none of those. He then trots out the Alaskan governor few had ever heard of, and so began the fascination with Sarah Palin.

The Left immediately criticized Palin as small-time, inexperienced, and out-of-touch. But in reality, how ironic is it that the "party of the people" would so violently attack a gun-toting, moose-hunting, Pee Wee hockey-loving, happily married mother of 5? What's more blue collar than that? Leftists, and women particularly, were waiting for a worthy female candidate to rise to the top, and all of a sudden they got their wish. One thing, though...she played for the other team. They couldn't stand that Repubs beat them to the punch and pushed the nation's first ever female on a presidential ticket. It killed them. If I had told you in January of 2008 that a female would be on the presidential ticket, what party would have first come to mind? Not only would you immediately have homed in on the Democrats, but you would have first thought of old Hill. If not, you would have guessed that a popular female was running independently. The old crumudgens of the Republican Party would never do something like that.

Allow me an analogy. In the winter of 2004, the Red Sox, Yankees, Orioles, and Reds pursued a young pitcher by the name of Carl Pavano. He was a 28-year old stud with a live fastball and a World Series ring to boot. Everyone wanted this guy--he toured the stadiums and met with management all while fans of all the aforementioned teams called into sports radio shows to talk about how they needed Carl's services. He ultimately signed with the Yankees despite receiving bigger offers from Boston and Cincinnati. Carl Pavano went from one day being hailed as the next big thing in Boston and another prized young arm to the next day being a total bum. That he signed with the Yankees made him an overpaid, egotistical, lazy diva. At the end of the day, Yankees fans and Red Sox fans both recognize the best talent in the league and they want their organizations to go out and get the best players. They both want good guys. They're really just rooting for the laundry.

Republicans and Democrats want the same kind of candidates--newsworthy, bold, interesting, strong-willed people. The "fans" of each of these parties are really just "rooting for the laundry." Just like Carl Pavano was nearly burned in effigy by Red Sox fans the day he donned his #45 Yankees jersey, Sarah Palin was egged as soon as she set foot on stage for the first time. I remember hearing liberal female friends of mine who were "outraged" and "disgusted" by Palin--a candidate they likely knew nothing about. Don't you think if you took Mrs. Palin, kept her fiery energy and stubbornness, and slapped some liberal values on her, she would be a total rock star for the Left? They would eat her right up! She'd be the next big thing! Keith Olberman would have Sarah Palin underwear! It's clear that Sarah has not gotten a fair shake from the media, but for obvious reasons. The liberally-controlled media is terrified of Palin-mania and figures that by trashing her, it's doing its part to slow her momentum. At this point, you can't really stop her, you can only hope to contain her. In the end, we all need to just take a step back from the situation. If you want to hate someone, do your homework and be educated. Have good reasons. Make your own decisions. Don't just root against the laundry.

Culture Shock

2009-11-16T13:12:00.008-05:00

Let's be honest, maybe democracy is not for everyone. This admission is difficult for me as I stood behind a president that took our country to war on the basis of spreading democracy. But just as companies fail when they try to enter new regions without first conducting the necessary due diligence, so do nations and ideals. We do a lot of things well in America, but we need to lose this assumption that because things work domestically that they will succeed abroad.

Maybe the United States went to war for oil, maybe it went for the purposes of spreading democracy, maybe a little of both. We believed that the Iraqi people were being denied a freedom of speech, a freedom to choose, and a freedom to vote. And hell, who wouldn't want those? As Americans, we believe that our American rights equate to basic human rights and to happiness. But to see why this is not true around the globe, we needn't look any further than China.

The Western media portrays the Chinese government as an evil oppressive group of men who slip babies the "blue pill" at birth to keep citizens in the dark and shielded from the horrors of the world. I imagined government officials lurking the streets and kidnapping people they've tracked online while other rebels slip into speakeasies to gripe about the local regime. Is China a communist country with regulations on free speech? Yes. Is it oppressing the Chinese people? That could not be further from the truth.

Taking a step back, when Americans study US history, we have just over 230 years to cover. The Chinese have thousands of years of history to study, and out of that history comes this weird thing called "culture." As a country without culture, it's hard for Americans to fully grasp this concept and how it affects every person, every day. The Chinese are a hard-working people, though their motives have begun to shift from country pride to self worth, but they are hard-working nonetheless. They are prideful, but also collectivist. It's engrained in their being to work hard while they have the ability to do so. The average Chinese man retires at 55, average woman at 50. After they pay their debt to society, the government takes care of them. They believe it is the government's responsibility to solve their problems. They appreciate what the government does for them. According to Hofstede's Dimensions of Natural Culture, the Chinese rank 3rd highest in the world in a category called "Power Distance," meaning they accept that power in organizations is distributed unequally (with the Russians being the highest as proven by their acceptance and love for Ivan the Terrible, Stalin, and Putin). There's something to be said for a one-party system, too. Ultimately, the government has the final say in anything that will affect the country--business, economics, social science, etc--but if it wants to accomplish a goal, guess what happens? It gets done. No bickering, no petty debating, just action. Need to rebuild an entire district by next summer for the World Expo? No problem, done. Need to enact a new governmental policy? Done. I'm sure the government makes mistakes, but instead of living with a terrible decision until the next vote comes around, it justs takes more action to remedy the problem. And you know what? The Chinese people are okay with that. As my wife and I toured the Temple of Heaven and witnessed seemlingly euphoric retirees singing, dancing, playing cards, and relaxing, she said, "These people are freer than we will ever be."

The only reason I know this is because I was there. Not to say that our government officials haven't, but did it really take President Obama 11 months to make his first visit? China is a country that, because of its growth, production capacity, and innovation, will dominate the globe one day. They're smart about it, too! The English language is circulating and growing in the country, and China is preparing to adapt to other cultures in order to maximize its potential for succeeding in business around the world. Can we say that 1% of Americans speak Chinese? Why don't we get it? What are we waiting for? Is it nieivity? Stupidity? Arrogance?

To stay with the "Matrix" analogy, you could argue that the Chinese people are shielded from the outside world and that everyone should truly know about the world in which he lives. But you have to first understand the culture and what is important to them. Just as we are having trouble establishing democracy in the Middle East, democracy would never work in China. But it doesn't have to, not every country needs democracy. Americans need to stop trying to change everyone and instead work on understanding everyone.

NastraDENmus

2009-11-06T14:41:00.007-05:00

Let's be honest, I control the universe. I'm not saying I'm the axis the world spins on, but I certainly have some kind of power that influences world events. The shirt I wear or seating choice in the living room can alter the outcome of sporting events and my breakfast options can dictate the success of interviews. I used to be skeptical of this, but the Yankees' World Series victory last week confirmed my suspicions. Since I seem to be on quite a roll lately, let me make some world predictions for the next calendar year. And in the words of DJ Clue: Remember where you heard it first, stupid.

Let me establish my credibility first. I predicted the Yankees would beat the Phillies in 6 and lose both of Cliff Lee's starts. On the days of the two losses, I was either not wearing a Yankees shirt or put it on midway through the game. On the days they won, I had a Yankees shirt on from start to finish. I think that qualifies me to predict the future of the world, doesn't it?

Sports: Manny Pacquaio will lose to Miguel Cotto on November 14th, crushing all boxing fans' hopes of a Pacquaio-Mayweather fight-to-end-all-fights-showdown in Las Vegas next summer...it's just too good to be true. The Jets won't make the playoffs but Mark Sanchez will gain #2 stud status in the city behind Derek Jeter. The Colts will win the Super Bowl and Giants fans will continue to believe (wrongly) that Eli is just as good as Peyton Manning. Harvard or Northeastern will not win the Beanpot. The Yankees will remain the better, cooler, and handsomer team than the Red Sox, and repeat as World Series champs in 2010.

Music: 50 Cent will beef with someone, hopefully someone from a boy-band. Kanye West will return with a mega-album and then get back on everyone's bad side when he interrupts the Pope mid-Eucharistic prayer. "Yo, Pope Benedict, I'ma let you finish, but JPII had one of the best masses at Giants Stadium OF ALL TIME!!" Carrie Underwood will continue to clean up at the Country Music Awards, and I will continue to laugh at 90% of the audience wearing cowboy hats. Miley Cyrus will actually go away for a little while while Taylor Swift gets even bigger.

Politics: Nancy Pelosi will issue an ultimatum to Washington DC: people will die each day until Batman reveals his identity. She will attempt to ambush a police caravan carrying Harvey Dent, but Batman and Commissioner Gordon intervene and capture her. She will be interrogated at police headquarters but escape with the aid of a smoke bomb. Pelosi will force all DC's residents to evacuate the city by ferry and place hidden explosives on those ferries. Her plot will be foiled and she will realize that Batman truly is incorruptible.

Business: Unemployment will rise to 11% before it decreases again. The last of the banks will fail, but will be bailed out...again. Black Friday 2010 kicks off the official turnaround in the economy. Apple's newest version of the iPhone will actually wipe your ass for you, and flush. Jim Cramer will miraculously survive another year while posting the highest blood pressure statistics known to man.

Celebrity: Kate Gosselin will be the focus of a sex tape scandal. Lauren Conrad will fail at everything she attempts and will suffer an untimely death when her brain explodes trying to read her own book. Ryan Seacrest will be elected governor of California. Diddy will ink a deal with TLC to use the girls from Toddlers & Tiaras in his next Making the Band spinoff.

I have just liberated you from watching any television or reading any news for the next year, and you can take these predictions to the bank. Only I can change the future though, so if anyone is opposed to the predictions above just let me know and I will put on a different shirt.

What Happened to 50 Cent?

2009-11-02T15:39:00.006-05:00

Let's be honest, 50 Cent has dug himself into a recording rut of which he can't escape. After a scintillating debut, 50 has not been able to reach the level of success he achieved just 6 years ago. At the time, we were ready to dethrone Jay-Z and Nas and anoint 50 as the new King of New York. Today, you'd be hard-pressed to pay people to take one of his albums off your hands. So how did 50 Cent fall so hard so fast?

To understand our current state, we must understood how we got here. 50 Cent rose out of Jamaica Queens around the turn of the century flanked by childhood friends Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo, calling themselves the G-Unit. 50 already released an album in 2000, but it was weak even according to 50's standards. His style wasn't that much unlike Eminem's, though while Eminem took to insulting celebrities and pop-tarts, 50 went after rappers. For that reason, Eminem went on record in the fall of 2002 to say that "50 Cent is my favorite rapper." Not only was that one hell of an endorsement, it spurned mainstream listeners to look up this 50 Cent guy that not many had heard of. 50 and the G-Unit were killing the mixtape scene in 2002--the tapes were low-budget and low quality production, mostly beat-jacking and freestyles--but man were they good. Fif wasn't worried about what everyone thought of him, plus he was fresh so he had a lot to say. In November 2002 he teamed up with Dr Dre to record the soon-to-be first single, "In Da Club." The song killed. Everyone loved it, and for 8 months you could not get that song out of rotation (Sidebar: I went to the Bahamas for Spring Break in March 2003 and counted that clubs we visited played the song 37 times in 5 nights). The smash single mixed with the success of the mixtapes and Eminem's endorsement fueled this mega-machine that could not be stopped. Fans thirsted for 50 to record a studio album and the hype was bigger than Lebron's entrance to the NBA. Often with album releases, though, all the hype creates a giant snowball that grows each day and cannot be stopped. Then the release date is the hottest day of summer and that snowball evaporates instantly. Such was not the case with 50's debut, Get Rich or Die Tryin', which earned a perfect score from XXL and surpassed everyone's expectations. 50's brand was golden--he combined club hits and bangin' beats with his hard edge, hunger for beef, and this itty-bitty piece of street cred he earned after being shot 9 times and living to tell about it. All of this was displayed in an album deemed by many to be "perfect."

Drug-dealers-turned-rappers all face an unfortunate reality, though. They pour their heart and soul into the first album thinking it may be their only shot to make it big--and often it is the only shot. If successful, the lifestyle changes. These rappers no longer need to work the corners, rob and steal, and worry about where dinner is coming from. They get paid, they take care of their family and friends, buy a house in the 'burbs or a condo in the high-class part of the city, and maybe pick up a nice set of wheels. But drug-dealing and the everyday struggle are all they know, so when it comes time to record album #2, they revert to telling stories of those days. Unfortunately, even guys like me can see right through that nonsense. Don't tell me you walk around strapped and rough up your enemies for fun or for money. You know how I know it's not true? Because I saw you sitting courtside next to Spike at the Knicks game. I saw you on MTV Cribs. I saw you heading into Tryst with a 12-man entourage.

What does this have to do with 50 Cent? The Massacre in 2005 was a photocopy of Get Rich or Die Tryin'. "I'm Supposed to Die Tonight" was "Many Men" part II. "Disco Inferno" was "In Da Club" part II. "Piggy Bank" was "Back Down" part II. The album resembled the original, but also contained a lot of the feedback and residue associated with any photocopy. Fif reverted back to rapping about violence and drugs, and a lot of it wasn't believable anymore. By 2007, 50 was 4 1/2 years removed from his debut and even an outsider could tell he had changed as a person (which isn't a bad thing--it's actually good in 50's case). 50 was a corporate brand--he had a movie, a video game, Vitamin Water, a graphic design company, a clothing line, etc. Music wasn't his main source of income, and it didn't have to be. He was a well-oiled machine. Physically he even looked different. He wasn't cut up anymore--he was diesel. Dressed impecably. Spoke better. He set himself up for disaster by going head-to-head with Kanye West's Graduation on September 11, 2007, but the album was a disaster even beyond that. 50 himself changed, but his music did not. Curtis was a photocopy of The Massacre; it had even fewer quality songs and even more "feedback." The best song on the album was a track called "I Get Money" where 50 proved that you could rap about the corporate life and make it sound hard: "I took quarter water, sold it in bottles for two-bucks/Til Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions, what the f*ck?" Why he couldn't make the rest of the album with that mindset, I do not know. 2 years later, fans hope that 2009's Before I Self Destruct will feature 50 progressing beyond what we're accustomed to hearing from him. Unfortunately, the first track sets the disappointing tone and you discover that it's another photocopy of a photocopy.

Each album has been worse than its predecessor with no end in sight to this tumultuous downfall. I don't even know where to categorize this latest album in my mental rolodex--is it hip hop? Is it angry pop? Is it a new genre of crap? Fif needs to crumple his career from 2005-on into a ball, throw it across the room into a trash receptacle, and start over. Like the best often do, he needs to reinvent himself without losing himself. Keep a common thread in the brand but talk about real life, real issues, real THINGS. Mix it up a little for crying out loud. Perhaps he needs Taylor Swift to take him under her wing and proclaim "50 Cent is my favorite artist."

Global Lessons

2009-10-26T11:00:00.004-04:00

Let's be honest, this world of ours is a big place and we all do things a little differently. Unfortunately, not enough people have ventured abroad to discover other cultures. Fortunately, the globe is shrinking and worldwide travel is becoming easier for the everyman. Lucky enough to visit Europe and Asia within the last 5 months, I've seen that cultures around the world all have something to offer, and that we would be well-served to learn from each other.

I'm not going to pretend to be a world-traveler--in fact, before this year my international experience consisted of Toronto, Quebec, Montreal, Cancun, Bahamas, and Barbados...and most of it I can't remember save for dancing on top of speakers, watching friends spend $280 on lap dances, and unwillingly choking down Tequila while shotgirls blare whistles in the backdrop. This year, however, my experiences were a bit more cultural as I visited Ireland in May and China in October. I found that the US, Ireland, and China all do some things well and all do some things poorly. Naturally, as the world shrinks, we should be able to institute a form of best practices. So what exactly is it that we can learn from each of the US, Ireland, and China?

First, what can the world learn from Ireland? Even though my global experience is limited, I can say without hesitation that the Irish are the nicest people in the entire world. From the guy walking down the street to the cabdriver to the bartender, the Irish are willing to help, tell a story, and make sure you walk away from your conversation with at least a hint of a smile. It's unlike Barbados where the locals are hospitable because they realize the importance of tourism to the economy--the Irish naturally just have a pleasant demeanor. The Irish also have a culture rich in history and music. I have yet to see or hear of a culture that engrains history with music as much as the Irish, and the songs are not only contagious but fun. The music is really a microcosm for the culture in general--funny, down-to-earth, and truthful. Though we usually think of finding truth in the bottom of a bottle in a negative way, such is not the case with the Irish. The true test of whether an Irishman likes you is if he can share with you a drink and give you a hard time. They kid because they love. On top of being a little more friendly, we should all learn from the Irish to relax a little, stop being so serious, and enjoy life.

Second, what can the world learn from China? The Chinese are the hardest-working people in the world, so much so that they truly put workers around the world to shame. If the world's workers were as diligent as the Chinese, we might have Great Walls in every country. The Chinese don't bicker--they just get things done, plain and simple. This may be a reflection of the country's government, and after my recent experience I started to think that their system is not necessarily a bad one. A one-party system that has control over more than would ever be imaginable in the United States does have its benefits. If the Chinese government has an objective, there's really no getting in the way. A businessman in China said it best: "In China, you could knock down a bridge and rebuild it in 3 years. In the US, you could knock down a bridge and rebuild it in 3 years, but only after 25 years of trying to obtain the permits." The Chinese are efficient, hard working, and honorable...and coupled with the inexpensive nature of the labor it's no wonder companies outsource production there. Unfortunately, China is so misrepresented here in the US and it would take an entire blog to attempt to explain, so I will resist divulging for fear of running wildly off-course. In sum, the world should learn from the Chinese to just shut up, stop complaining over petty issues, and get the job done.

Lastly, what can the world learn from the US? Two things that come to mind after my international experience are the investment in infrastructure and variety of entertainment and food. Ireland is the size of West Virginia, yet it takes 4.5 hours to drive from Waterford in the southeast corner to Killarney in the southwest. China has 1.3 billion people, including 20 million in Shanghai and 13 million in Beijing. 1,400 new cars are added to the 1.4 million cars on the road each day in Beijing, yet no road stretches beyond 3 lanes, and most are 2. Both the Irish and Chinese have severe transportation problems as far as the roads are concerned, and both would see dramatic improvements with the installation of a major highway or two. Perhaps entertainment is our country's downfall, but it wouldn't kill Ireland or China to spruce up their televisioin and food offerings. You don't realize until you leave the US that you really can have whatever you want, whenever you want. In the mood to eat Mexican food and watch Entourage on HBO OnDemand? Done. How about ordering pizza and wings while flipping back and forth between an NFL and MLB game? Done. The options aren't so great in other countries, but maybe that's the reason we are considered the fattest people in the world. At least we'll die happy. So again--roads, entertainment, and food--room for improvement around the globe.

If you haven't, spend some time abroad and learn about other cultures. The worst thing in the world today is to be ignorant and we could all be both more happy and efficient if we learned from each other. Slainte! Gan be! Cheers!

Relationships 102

2009-10-12T15:40:00.005-04:00

Let's be honest, 90% of guys don't deserve the girls they get. I can attest first-hand since everyone in my group of friends from childhood, college, and work is dating or married to someone out of his league. We're a bunch of irreverent, beer-drinking, fantasy sports-obsessed, gambling-addicted degenerates; and yet we all find girls that not only put up with us, but love us. I don't think I'm the only person, either, that has uttered the phrase, "She ended up with that guy??" more than once. Why does this happen more often than not? Well we all know the boy-meets-girl part of the story, so let's call this Relationships 102.

Part of the story is familiar--girls love guys with a sense of humor and guys that make them laugh. Blah blah blah it's a feel good story and it's true, but there's more than that. In reality, all the not-so-endearing qualities I used to describe guys in the first paragraph are the main reasons why guys often end up catching a girl out of their league. Don't believe it? Of course every theory has its exceptions, but think about the guys in college that were just there to have fun. Maybe they went to a club once in a while, but they were simpletons bordering on neanderthals a majority of the time. Now think about the metrosexuals who went clubbing several nights per week, loaded up on Ed Hardy and hair gel, and only drank vodka cranberry cocktails because beer was bad for the abs. If you were to go out downtown in most cities, which grown-up version of the 2 college guys would you more often see? Now unless they're leaving their wives at home, these guys are late 20's/early 30's, still single, and still preying on single girls. And let the record show the success of relationships started in bars.

Ok, what does this all mean? Simple. If an average guy meets an attractive female, he puts the death grip on her and won't let go...metaphorically, of course. He starts dressing nicer, maybe shaves every day, turns on the charm, and tries to be polite. When an attractive guy meets an attractive girl, he orders more shots so she'll forget about him the next day. Most average guys can't think beyond what they're having for lunch that day, so they don't usually hold out and think, "This girl isn't exactly what I've been looking for, so I need to move on." They find a pretty girl and hang onto her, because shit--they might not get another chance. This directly contradicts girls who are infamous for planning out their lives at age 5 and seeking out a guy matching Ken's description. Once they realize Ken really wants Midge, Christie, and Barbie's mom all at the same time, they temper their expectations and seek comfort in another. In walks Joe Average who's willing to treat these attractive girls like princesses, and voila.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that perhaps the same not-so-endearing qualities are part of the reason for the over 50% divorce rate in the US today, but it makes sense logically. Women settle for the guys that make them laugh and treat them well, but guys cannot be inherently changed and problems arise once both ease back into their comfort zones. The novelty wears off and the neanderthal reappears, prompting women to rethink what they've gotten themselves into. I'm not completely sold on this theory, but it does make a bit of sense.

I'm no longer surprised by the caliber of guys that women end up with, though ironically I am continuously surprised by the caliber of women that guys end up with. I guess it just goes to show that guys have it easy after all. Sorry ladies.

Mythbusting

2009-10-03T22:00:00.009-04:00

Let's be honest, New Jersey gets a bad rap. Many of the preconceived notions of the Garden State and its residents are valid, but some are not. I've been away from the state for over 4 years now so I have a different perspective than those entrenched in the state their entire lives, and I'm ready to tackle some of the myths. Let's go in.

Myth #1: New Jersey is the "armpit of America." True...and False.
Just like the other 49, the state has its dumps that I wouldn't wish upon anyone...case in point: Elizabeth, Newark, and Camden on the short list. I happened to grow up in a town in Central NJ that I couldn't even come close to afford living in if I tried today. Since most of the state's traffic is in-and-out of northern Jersey, the factories, smoke stacks, and overall trash set the impression for visitors. Unfortunately, most that visit the state never get down to the shore, or even some of the more affluent neighborhoods in New Jersey where shelter-seeking celebs settle down. I'm not going to convince any non-New Jerseyans on this one, so I'm moving on.

Myth #2: Everyone from New Jersey worships Bruce Springsteen. True.
This is a Lady Gaga argument (it can go both ways--get it?) because while Bruce is great, he can kinda be forced upon you which is quite obnoxious. Without sounding sacrilegious, I feel like Bruce fandom is similar to Baptism or Confirmation--it's almost better if you receive it later in life when you can make decisions for yourself. I grew up surrounded by Bruce fanatics among my friends and family, and as any rebellious young'n, I disliked the music simply because everyone else thought it was so great. Not until Bruce's halftime performance at last year's Super Bowl did I realize, "You know what? Everyone might be onto something." I'm not a full-fledged Bruce fan, but I have a "Greatest Hits" album (which I always used to joke was a blank CD) and that's sufficient for me at this point.

Myth #3: New Jersey is comprised of mostly guidos. False.
These guys are not your typical residents, in fact they only come out of the woodwork in the summer. Most aren't even from New Jersey, and we can give a big F-U to Staten Island for breeding these contemptuous creatures that you might mistake for oompa loompas. Not familiar with guidos or BENNY's (Bayonne, Elizabath, Newark, New York)? Listen here to find out everything you need to know. The only thing worse than guidos and BENNY's are the Jersey girls that fawn over them. Which leads me to...

Myth #4: Jersey Girls are...well...Jersey Girls. True.
Ok, they're not all Toddlers & Tiaras alumni, but they all have a little edge. And you know what? They're proud of it. They're proud of being a little independent, a little difficult, maybe a little bitchy. Don't look at me...I married a Florida girl. Some guys want a girl who will stand up to them...think Lorraine Bracco as Karen Hill. But guys--just know what you're getting yourself into. I realize I may not be making many friends with this commentary, but as Jim Cramer says, "Some people want to make friends, I just want to make money."

Myth #5: Residents call the state "New Joi-sey." False.
I've never heard anyone from NJ pronounce it that way--that's a New York thing. Not really sure where that mixup occurred along the way.

Myth #6: The old turnpike/parkway gag. True.
Exit 98 on the Parkway.

Countless other stereotypes exist, but I don't have the time/desire to get into them all. Just like most other states, it's great if you pick the right places to visit. It's affluent and expensive as much as it trashy and fetid, so it's a true mixed bag. Take a visit, spend some time there, and keep an open mind to form your own opinion because the preconceptions may not be all true. Or maybe they are...?

A Draft of a Different Color

2009-09-28T15:35:00.004-04:00

Let's be honest, baseball doesn't have the best athletes in sports by any means. Suspend your disbelief for a second and imagine each team had to draft an athlete from a different sport. Some teams would benefit from the boost in athleticism while others would fill holes where necessary. I simulated what this draft might look like and some of the results might surprise you...

Before I begin, let me state that I had to make a few assumptions. I first assumed that every one of these players can put a bat on a ball. Given that the hardest thing in sports is to hit a baseball, it's a pretty large assumption. Secondly, I didn't give much credit to NFL running backs. I don't think they have much place in baseball since they are mostly brutes who run through holes, and that doesn't really translate to a skill-based sport. Third, I don't think hockey or soccer players could cut it, either, because of the whole skating thing and the fact that soccer players never use their hands for anything.

The results (worst record to first, as of 9/26):
Nationals- Lebron James
Pirates- Larry Fitzgerald
Orioles- Tiger Woods
Royals- Ussain Bolt
Indians- Jamarcus Russell

Summary of picks 1-5:
The first five picks in any draft are the most impactful. The Nationals jump at Lebron for his overall athleticism and global appeal. He's a physical beats who I imagine could play any sport well. Larry Fitzgerald goes 2nd as a future Gold Glove outfielder. His speed, ball-tracking, and jumping ability would put him right with the game's best defensive outfielders. Tiger goes #3 to the O's--an athlete so technically sound that I could see him playing the left side of the infield quite well. With as disciplined as Tiger is about his swing, I'd pencil him in for 30 homeruns as well. Ussain Bolt goes 4th to the Royals and is an instant force on the basepaths. Lead him off, teach him to bunt, and swiping 100+ bases every season. The biggest surprise of the first five picks is Jamarcus Russell to the Indians at 5. He's built in the same mold as former Indian CC Sabathia, and his frame is conducive to a heavy workload. Combined with his unbelievable arm strength, Russell fits right into the Tribe's rotation...and he won't even have to do any running!

Mets- Drew Brees
Diamondbacks- Kevin Durant
Blue Jays- Andre Johnson
Astros- Kobe Bryant
Padres- Jay Cutler
White Sox- Chris Paul
Reds- Phillip Rivers
A's- Darren Sproles
Brewers- Aaron Rodgers
Rays- Steve Smith

Highlights from picks 6-15:
Drew Brees' canon arm makes him a shoe-in as a starting pitcher for the Mets. Durant, Kobe, and CP3 are all selected on the basis of their overall athleticism. Andre Johnson becomes another freak outfielder like Larry Fitzgerald and A's select scrappy Darren Sproles to fit into their type of station-to-station baseball. Rivers' and Rodgers' powerful arms work in the Reds and Brewers rotations, respectively, and Steve Smith's speed makes him a dynamo on the basepaths which suits the Rays' style.

Mariners- Randy Moss
Twins- Joe Flacco
Cubs- Peyton Manning
Giants- Dwyane Wade
Marlins- Ed Reed
Tigers- Michael Phelps
Braves- Floyd Mayweather, Jr
Rangers- Antonio Gates
Rockies- Derrick Rose
Phillies- Tom Brady
Cardinals- TJ Houshmandzedah
Angels- Dwight Howard
Red Sox- Quentin Jammer
Dodgers- Tony Gonzalez
Yankees- Matt Schaub

Highlights from picks 16-30:
Peyton Manning falls all the way to the Cubbies at #18 because it wouldn't be a draft if the Twins didn't select someone years away from his potential instead. Ed Reed is a steal at 20 for the Marlins because of his ability to cover a ton of ground in cavernous Landshark Stadium. Gates and Tony Gonzalez are taken late because of overall athleticism, the BoSox take Quentin Jammer to patrol rightfield in place of JD Drew's 94 year-old knees, and the Yanks take Matt "The" Schaub as a young promising arm to add to the bullpen or fill the back end of the rotation. Tom Brady brings leadership to the Phils and gives them another option at closer with the demise of Brad Lidge.

So there you go; a meaningless exercise for Tuesday. It's fun to think about and to compare the most highly-skilled and most athletic players in each sport. I know I'm missing some of the world's best, so shout them out if you feel they would translate better than some of the ones I've chosen.

To A People So Helpless

2009-09-21T14:56:00.005-04:00

Let's be honest, the American people are helpless against the government. The biggest reason why is the dreaded two-party system forced upon us, essentially taking away any of our real freedom to choose. This isn't about Republicans or Democrats, it's about trying to really figure out what the government does for us.

Every week I get a paycheck that shows a gross amount and a net amount. My employer deducts a percentage from the gross amount without my consent, and I have no input as to what happens to the money I earned. Apparently, that money goes to the government to fund projects and positions that I have no say towards, either. Furthermore, in what other scenario would I continue to give money to someone who made terrible decisions and blew right through it? If I gave my friend money on the promise that he'd improve my life, and then he spent it on 26 inch rims and a sex swing, I'd stop giving him money. If I paid a contractor to fix some pipes in my bathroom, and instead he installed a fish tank in my shower, I'd hire someone else and ask for my money back.

According to the system, I do have a say as to where the money goes when I vote every 2 years for Congress and every 4 years for President. So every couple years I get to chime in and the rest of the time I have to trust the politicians that represent the area in which I live? Digging a little deeper, I really only get to vote for 1 of 2 candidates--a Republican or a Democrat. Well what if I don't want to vote for either? What if neither represent my values? I'm a pretty reasonable guy, so why can't I find a reasonable candidate? Sure, you might think, "I'll vote for a third party candidate." In my best "Kang" (from The Simpsons), "Go ahead, throw your vote away!" It's only funny because it's true. If you prefer neither candidate, like many did in November 2008, what choice do you have? Vote for an independent who will win 4% of the popular vote and not claim one state? Or vote for the opposite of the guy you dislike more? Which of these is worse???

I get a letter in the mail roughly once per month from the RNC that includes a questionairre and an envelope for donation. I actually look forward to the letter now because I can't wait to see how ridiculous the authors have gotten with the questions. I don't have one in front of me to copy, but the questions are along the lines of, "Do you support Barack Obama and his plan to eat babies and kill kittens?" My favorite part of the survey is the final line asking for a donation with checkboxes next to each of the following choices: "$5,000," "$1,000," "$500," "$100," "$50," and "$0 and I wish for the Democrats to stay in power for another 4 years." That's actually true, and you can ask anyone that's received the survey to vouch for it. I even wrote a note back with the last survey stating that I'm embarrassed by the party and I won't contribute until it finds better candidates.

A lot of people compare our current state to early 1900's Germany, but they do so for the wrong reasons. The US in 2009 is not Nazi Germany (yet), but the American people are awfully reminiscient of a helpless Germany, post WWI. The Treaty of Versailles ravaged the country and made it so powerless that Adolf Hitler waltzed into power with ease. If our government continues to ravage us like the Treaty of Versailles, the people will revolt. We will be left so powerless, so helpless, that we will have no choice but to call for a revolution. We will vote for independent candidates. We'll vote in ethical candidates with values aligned to our own. And we will stop giving money to those in whom we do not believe. We will make a change, and the two major parties will not know what hit them.

Ultimate Guy Movie

2009-09-15T00:16:00.004-04:00

Let’s be honest, Shawshank Redemption is the Ultimate Guy Movie. I can only opine on movies I’ve seen (and you’ll see there’s plenty I have not) and tried to narrow down my list to sixteen movies. I conducted the experiment single-elimination tournament-style and randomly split up the comedies, mafia movies, and character-driven movies, so as to make the first round a little more even.

I chose the first round winner by “street-cred”—that is, when you’re discussing your favorite movies with another guy, which comes first in the list out of the two. Every great Guy movie has to have a good ending, so that’s how I decided the second round. Main characters of Guy movies often reach iconic status, so that was the criteria for the third round. The finals were decided by which I thought was the best overall movie/story. Let’s go in.

FIRST ROUND (decided by better “street-cred”)
The Godfather def. The Big Lebowski
As much as I love The Big Lebowski, this is a no brainer. The Godfather is widely acclaimed as the greatest movie ever made, and it is hard to argue otherwise.

Rocky def. The Matrix
The Matrix is brilliant, but I’ll admit, it’s a little nerdy. Everyone loves Rock.

The Godfather II def. Fight Club
Once again, it’s hard to argue against any of the Godfather movies in terms of street-cred. Well, except Part III.

Shawshank Redemption def. Animal House
Animal House may be the greatest comedy ever made, but Shawshank may be the best movie ever made. Tough draw, Animal House.

Office Space def. American Psycho
I get strange looks when I tell people I really enjoyed American Psycho. Everyone can relate to Office Space.

Goodfellas def. Gladiator
Ray Liotta, Bobby DeNiro, and Joe Peschi are three guys we’d all want to hang out with. Russell Crowe kicks ass in Gladiator, but we’d prefer drinks and cards with the boys.

The Departed def. Caddyshack
Scorsese movies ooze street-cred, and DeCaprio, Damon, and Wahlberg turn in outstanding All-Guy Team performances.

The Usual Suspects def. Saving Private Ryan
The characters, the quotes, the twists…Usual Suspects takes this one over the epic WWII tale.

SECOND ROUND (decided by better ending)
The Godfather def. Rocky
Don Vito Corleone has passed, leaving Michael in charge. He has prominent members of the other families killed, vaulting the Corleone Family to the top of the food-chain and sending the message that he’s not to be F’d with. Rocky would have had to KO’d Adrian at the end of the movie in order for it to have a chance of beating The Godfather.

Shawshank Redemption def. The Godfather II
Andy masterminds his escape from Shawshank while simultaneously hanging the warden out to dry. And after years together on the inside, Red and Andy meet back up on a beach in Mexico. The most rewarding ending I’ve ever seen.

Office Space def. Goodfellas
It doesn’t end well for our buddies from Goodfellas, whether they be whacked or snatched up. In Office Space, Peter, Michael, and Samir don’t get the money they planned to launder from Initech but at least they get out of it (thanks to Milton) and all end up with new jobs.

The Usual Suspects def. The Departed
Verbal Kint IS Kaiser Soze. Are you freakin kidding me??? Verbal pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes…the police, his friends, and us. I also disliked Scorsese’s mass extermination at the end. It was a little too deus ex machina for me and seemed like a cop-out (Get it? "Cop" out).

SEMI-FINALS (decided by main character)
Shawshank Redemption (Andy Dufresne) def. The Godfather (Vito Corleone)
This was tough. Don Vito was loved by his family, respected by his enemies, and acted righteously in his business. Despite this, I give the nod to Andy for surviving in Shawshank, routinely proving (in a humble way) that he was the smartest guy in the room, helping fellow prisoners better themselves, and achieving the sweetest revenge. In the end, Andy won.

The Usual Suspects def. Office Space
We would all love to be Peter Gibbons if we knew our boss would react the same way Bill Lumberg did. He stops showing up for work, tells off his boss, and gets a promotion for it! Ulimately, though, Verbal Kint’s storytelling genius and incredible deception trump anything Peter Gibbons could do.

FINALS (decided by overall movie/story)
Shawshank Redemption def. The Usual Suspects
At this point it’s basically a flip of the coin. The difference is that you feel good at the end of Shawshank whereas you feel tricked at the end of Usual Suspects. Usual Suspects probably has more rewatchability, but the satisfaction from the ending of Shawshank and the triumph of the main character make it my Ultimate Guy Movie.

Business S & M

2009-09-07T22:49:00.009-04:00

Let's be honest, no car dealership has made a sale based on the merit of its commercials. Growing up, I blamed the quality (or lack thereof) on the rinky dink cable provider in central New Jersey. But having lived in Boston and Orlando since, I've easily concluded that the talent and strategies of the dealers are to blame. Car dealerships are an easy target, but they represent an underlying problem--driving sales through hard and up-selling rather than using a marketing plan.

Every region in the country has its own clowns, but Orlando's are too good for me not to share. Take Scott Dance, for instance, and his little gremlin of a daughter, Grace. Perhaps Scott thinks that by oppressing his daughter into servitude that he'll feed me that "family vibe" and make me want to rush out to buy a car from him. He themed his 4th of July commercials around a "Ho Down" (What? Yup) and opted for a "Camelot" theme for Labor Day (Again, what?) where he and Gracie dress up as a king and princess. Competitor David Maus has no camera presence in his ads, looking incredibly awkward with one hand on his hip and the other gesturing like Bill Clinton. My favorite part about Dave's strategy is that he changes his slogan for almost every commercial. "Right here, right now." "Whatever it takes." "Give us the opportunity." "I hate consistency." "I'm begging you." Tom Parks, another dealer in central Florida, belives an animated dog named "Mr. Unbelievable" will do the trick. Again, I'm picking on car dealerships, but the problem spreads far beyond.

Why does no one place any importance on marketing? How come when Joe Blow starts a real estate company, he hires his wife or sister to be the Director of Marketing? As a marketing major, it's insulting! It's not just logos, colors, and party planning, unbeknowst to the majority. Strategy, positioning, utilzing effective channels, innovators and early adoptors, copywriting, demographics, psychographics...if you have no idea what any of these are, and you plan on running a business, you're in trouble my friend. The problem is that any chimp with a new banana can become Chiquita's top seller. It takes personality and passion to be a great salesman. It takes a fundamental understanding of business to be a great marketer...bingo, there it is. Unfortunately, sales directly create revenue while marketing efforts need to be tracked to see the impact, and a lot of companies don't have the time, resources, or even desire to do so. As we all know, 90% of salespeople will pitch to anyone with a pulse and forget about the client as soon as he leaves the door and his check clears. Marketers aim to find the ideal customer for the product and stay with him for life, because they understand the value of building relationships. Think about it, if you could identify exactly who needed your product and found out the best way to reach them, the battle's already half-won! It's like fishing with dynamite! To borrow a horrible analogy from Alice and Wonderland--if you reach a fork in the road without a marketing plan to tell you which way to go, then surely either way will do.

Accounting and finance jobs will always be placed atop the business food chain because money makes the world go round and "if it don't make dollars then it don't make cents." In a time when companies are struggling to stay afloat, leaders should be looking to the future to grow their businesses in a way that makes most sense for the consumers instead of cutting low-level do-bitches. Marketing Plans for Dummies should be on the New York Times Best Seller list every week, but the people who would benefit most from the book likely don't even realize they need it. Maybe the author needs a better marketing plan.

BP3

2009-08-31T16:09:00.013-04:00

Let's be honest, hip hop would look entirely different today if not for the greatest rapper alive, Jay-Z. Looking to build on his 10 #1 albums, Jay is set to release the highly anticipated The Blueprint 3 next week. Reviewing a Jay-Z album is one of the most difficult tasks for a hip hop head because he is the greatest, so even a mediocre album is better than the best that most others could record. BP3 is not his best, but it's certainly above average for the God MC. (As per the usual with hip hop blog entries, this is a long one.)

Let me briefly run down Jay's discography. He released Reasonable Doubt in 1996--a supurb lyrical collection and his first album after ditching the drug trade on the streets of Brooklyn. He followed in successive years with In My Lifetime, Volume 1, Vol. 2: Hard Knock Life, and Vol. 3: Life and Times of S. Carter. Each featured a phenomenal track here and there, but none were as wholly remarkable as his first. Jay dropped The Dynasty: Roc La Familia in the fall of 2000 as a way to put on his team of Memphis Bleek, Beanie Sigel, Chris and Neef, and Freeway. Again--a banger here and there, but some don't even consider this a Jay-Z album because he rarely spit more than one verse on any song. The Blueprint, released on September 11, 2001, fit its title perfectly since it can be considered a blueprint of a classic album. This was and is his best recording to date. The Blueprint 2: The Gift and The Curse, a double album, followed and featured too many garbage tracks--this easily should have been a single disc. Jay released his "final" album before "retiring," The Black Album, to critical acclaim. After a brief "retirement," he returned in 2006 with Kingdom Come (decent) and an album in 2007 inspired by the movie of the same name, American Gangster (phenomenal). If you're counting at home, that's 10 albums in a span of 12 years.

When you've recorded as many albums as Jay, it's hard to believe that he'd have anything left to say. He doesn't flood the airwaves with mixtapes, though, a la Lil Wayne, so the fans thirst for every album release date. Jay's claims to fame as a rapper are that he relentlessly reinvents himself, he name-drops labels like whoa, and that his flow is not the same on any two tracks. When everyone else goes left, he's already finished going right and he's looking to change directions again. He's consistently inconsistent in that regard, and he continues the trend on BP3.

Let me get a couple tracks out of the way so I don't have to deal with them anymore. I could live without "Real As It Gets," featuring Young Jeezy, and "A Star Is Born," featuring J-Cole. In my best Randy Jackson, both are really just "ok for me, dawg" ..."for me, for you." Jeezy, as he tends to do sometimes, doesn't say a damn thing on the track, and Hov doesn't do much to pick him up. The latter features an unlistenable hook, an okay beat, and a forgettable feature from newcomer J-Cole. I understand Jay's purpose behind this track--propping all the young'ns who have made it, and he's trying to give another one a chance. I even liked his shout out to Eminem and subliminal admission that Em outdid him on "Renegade" in 2001. We could all likely go without these two tracks, though.

The biggest disappointment of the entire album is "Young Forever," a track that is rumored to be producer Kanye West's favorite. Heralded as the next "Flashing Lights," the track is more high school gymnasium than SOB's. Because of the sample, I can't shake the Napoleon Dynamite visuals as Mr. Hudson sings the hook. I was expecting big things from this beat, but now I'm glad it's the final track on the album so I can turn it off without missing anything.

We can group "Thank You," "Empire State of Mind," and "So Ambitious" together as songs with above average beats and hooks, but again Jay doesn't say much out of the ordinary. His wordplay is unrivaled ("You can't base what I'm gonna be on what everybody isn't"), but the message is familiar--I have more money than you, I made it out of Brooklyn, etc. I must mention, too, that Alicia Keys and Pharrell supply outstanding hooks to "Empire" and "Ambitious," respectively. Similarly, "Run This Town" is a great radio track that doesn't contribute much lyrically. The beat is HARD, Rihanna kills the hook, and the song features Jay-Z and Kanye. What else could a radio single need? They don't even have to say anything and it's a hit. I only wish Jay's lyrics were as on point as his flow in this song.

"What We Talkin' About" is a good intro track where Jay sets the tone by demanding no more talking about Dame Dash, Jaz-O, and Jimmy Iovine--in other words, I am too big to even think about prior petty Squabbles. He also shuns the Santa Claus role, fed up of newcomers asking him to give them whatever they want. "Venus and Mars" is an interesting track, and I think the jury is still out on this one. The beat is remiscient of 2003's "Justify My Thug," but this is the first Jay-Z track I can remember of its kind. He raps in a clever way about a girl so different than he ("I'm a Mac, she's a PC so she lives in my lap"), yet similar enough that they ride together like Bonnie and Clyde. He finds out she's not who she claims to be, as she goes off the deep end before leaving him. It's not your fun relationship-song from Jay like Bonnie & Clyde '03, and not your nostalgic one like "Song Cry," but somewhere in between. The only word I can think of is "interesting."

Of the six remaining tracks, five can compete with some of Jay's best songs to date (the one of the six, "Off That," is practically the same message as "On To The Next One," but not as good of a beat or hook). "D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)" is a track that Jay had to make--it suits him perfectly. The rap game is too bogged down by the autotuner; emcees are "T-Pain'in too much." In a perfectly suited line, he states that even though the country is in a recession, "the music you make gon' make it the Great Depression!" Jay even takes a shot at buddy Kanye by calling out rappers whose "pants are too tight," "colors too bright," and "voice[s] too light." The other song on the album that embodies everything Jay is about is the Swizz Beats-produced "On To The Next One." He effs the throwback jersey, effs the autotune, effs Cristal in favor of Ace of Spades, and says we should all be "afraid of what [he's gonna] do next." As a trendsetter, this song represents Jay to a tee. "D.O.A." and "Next One" are the two best beats on the album as well, cementing their status as the album's premiere tracks. Jay's flow on "Hate" is just bananas as he flashes back to his mid-90's fast flow. My only complaint is that the song is too short. Timbaland supplies a fiery beat for "Reminder," the real "big-boy" track on the album. It's a hard beat with a hard message to the haters--"what have you done to have an opinion of what I'm doing?" He reminds us that record sales don't lie and that he "writes 16's in between running 16 businesses, all the while showing these young punks what the business is." "Already Home" is the last track to mention and another blow to his haters. To the haters who say he looks like a camel, he responds that he's "mastered the draught." To his former Def Jam artists who say he was in their way, Jay asks how can he be in the way if he's in a different league? "HOV, I got my own lane already!" It's also worth mentioning that Kid Cudi is magnificient on this hook.

So there you have it--The Blueprint 3 in it's entirity. It's probably too soon to rank it among Jay's other 10 albums, but on a whim I'd put it behind The Blueprint, Reasonable Doubt, American Gangster, and maybe The Black Album. Jay-Z continues to be the premiere recording artist in rap, unmatched by anyone in the industry. This album will surely be his eleventh #1, and deservedly so.

IT'S YA BOY!

Healthscare

2009-08-23T18:50:00.006-04:00

Let's be honest, President Barack Obama's plan for healthcare reform is not only a joke, but a bad one at that. The only thing worse than his plan, actually, is his public campaign in recent weeks that details the impending debacle should it be passed. Barry has shown how out of touch with the public he really is and his arrogance is truly wearing on voters. The plan is laughable, but this is what we've come to expect from a guy who couldn't run a lemonade stand.

Unless you've been under a rock for the last few weeks, you've likely seen excerpts from town hall meetings all over the country where the public discusses healthcare reform with its local representatives. You've probably also seen what a disaster the town hall meetings have turned into for Dems, as people with real concerns nearly riot against the reform. The meetings got so bad for Dems that they even resorted to planting fake doctors and exploiting children (whose mothers are Obama delegates and fundraising coordinators) to ask silly questions. Like you didn't think someone was going to do their homework and find that out??!! Laughable. And have you noticed what else the Dems do when they get cornered? They go on the defensive and all of a sudden, you become the crazy one. I have to listen to Rachel Madow tell me the American people are overreacting, the riots are staged, and we're all idiots. (Sidebar: Rachel Madow is the handsomest man on television...the Mike Mussina of TV talking heads, I'd say. Wait, I just looked Rachel up on Wikipedia and it said that she is a woman. Well I'm going to write that one off as Wikipedia's bad; someone must have entered some faulty data. That's certainly not true.) Obama can't even get his story straight, either. One day his plan includes a public option, the next it doesn't, depending on what mood he's in that day.

We realize that the public option exists in Canada and it sucks, right? In a public healthcare system, you no longer have the ability to choose your primary care physician--you just get who you're given. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to play roulette with my health. When you move into a new area and want to visit a doctor, what do you you? You ask people at work for the names of their PCP's and schedule an appointment based on what you think is the best referral. No longer viable in the public option--you could get Dr. Octopus for all I know. Moreover, in the public system, the best doctors in the country are hired out by the wealthy to serve as their personal physicians, further dwindling the pool of quality doctors available. To add on even more, doctors' salaries will decrease because they will be limited by the amount of funding received from Medicare and Medicaid. And I think we're all aware of the elephant in the room--who's going to pay for the trillion dollar Medicare and Medicaid programs? Our grandkids' kids, that's who. As doctors' salaries decrease, fewer med students will pursue a career as a PCP and will instead focus on specialty practices. So in one swift blow, we've significantly decreased the number of doctors in the country, increased the number of patients, and cut doctors' salaries. Alright, sweet. Got it.

What else do we want the government to control? It already owns several banks and automobile manufacturers, now we want to give up healthcare and insurance? Why stop there? Let's give up the hospitality industry, the NHL, and the music recording business. You realize that the government owns your house if your loan is serviced by one of the government-funded banks, right? It also now has a stake in most corporations via the banks, as well. I won't take credit for this conspiracy theory, but isn't it completely feasible that having an ownership stake in corporations via the banks was a primary motive of the government? It makes sense given the president's history--hell, his present! It's as if we're inching closer to socialism a little bit every day at the content of the people in power. Let's stand up to Obamarx...power to the people!

Problems at the Top

2009-08-18T09:29:00.004-04:00

Let's be honest, the National Football League and Major League Baseball are the only relevant professional sports in the US anymore, and both are faced with enormous problems. The National Basketball Association has lost ground because the game has become individualized and fans can't relate to the players, while the National Hockey League suffers from a lack of American skaters. Soccer is fantastic but can't catch on because of the goal-scarce nature of the sport. The NFL has continued to succeed in spite of itself and its reckless players. MLB has lost its popularity in spurts since 1994 because of strikes and steroids, but remains relevant because of its moniker of "American's Pastime." Both leagues could be on the verge of implosion, though, if the respective commissioners don't make some changes. Quickly.

The NFL is the biggest and most powerful brand in all of American sports and is simply a financial gold mine. Its main assets--the players--obviously don't have the same connection to the brand or seem to give a damn about protecting its integrity. How else would you explain the number of felony convictions in the last 10 years? In the calendar year before commissioner Roger Goodell assumed his post in 2006, nine players from a single team were arrested for various crimes. Since then, the league has been given black eyes by the arrests and convitions of numerous players--and keep in mind, these aren't petty crimes being committed by backup tight ends and linemen. NFL stars Adam "Pacman" Jones, Tank Johnson, Chris Henry, Plaxico Burress, Brandon Marshall, Michael Vick, and Donte Stallworth are guilty of the following: fighting/shooting at strip clubs, possession of firearms, multiple failed drug tests and substance abuse policy violations, assault and battery of women, driving under the influence, manslaughter, and oh yeah--animal cruelty, namely the hanging and electrocuting of dogs. So how does the NFL fix the problem? Lifetime ban for any felony conviction and a minimum one year ban for any misdemeanor conviction. America is the country of second chances, but the NFL is an organization just like Coca Cola, Apple, and Nike with a brand to protect. If the NFL plans on keeping a clean brand image, it needs to rid itself of the bad apples. The league sends a terrible message to kids that convicted criminals can still make millions. Playing in the NFL isn't exactly a desk job, either--it's a highly lucrative lifestyle with incredible exposure. Next year, Michael Vick will make over a million dollars and has the chance to make five more after next season. So if I understand correctly, we could see Vick poolside at the Playboy Mansion pouring Cristal over bitches within a year? Try to tell me that's far out of the realm of possibility, too. Vick claims to be sorry for what he's done, but why wouldn't he be if he was set to make a milli like Lil Wayne? If somebody told me I was going to be taken out of prision and put in the spotlight to make a mil, I'd apologize for things I didn't even do! Snorting lines, poppin Pooky on the corner, mail fraud, tax evasion, pirating music online...I'd even apologize to Jesus on behalf of Pontius Pilate! Come on, bruh. The NFL needs to get its act together and start making examples of people so this ridiculous behavior will come to a halt.

Major League Baseball has a problem that it created on its own by turning a blind eye for years and focusing on ratings. Steroids were present in the league for years before commissioner Bud Selig put random testing in place in 2005 and most of the damage had already been done. It's embarrassing that the one league more stat-driven than any other now has a record book filled with imaginary asterisks because of steroids. The most prestigious records in all of sports--the single season (73) and career (762) homerun records--aren't even recognized by most because of record holder Barry Bonds' widely-held reputation as a cheat. Alex Rodriguez, the man in line to break the career homerun record, admitted this year he'd used steroids earlier in his career. It's almost like a bad season of 24 where the corruption starts at the top and no one is as he seems. The fix (which I believe should be done at corporations more often these days)--the commish needs to fire himself. Clean house at the top. Bud Selig cannot legitimately argue and grandstand against steroid use in the league while he reigns supreme because he used the publicity to take the league to the top in the late 90's. Next, release all the names on "The List" so fans know all the offenders, all at once. New management should then use a third-party adminstrator to randomly test players throughout the year and all test results made public. Offenders should be suspended for a minimum of one year so as to not impact the outcome of the remainder of that season. The Players Union shouldn't have much leverage here, either, since the players are the ones that turned the league into a walking punch line. As for records, we should keep all in place--no asterisks. For a time, steroids were not illegal, and we must assume everyone was using. Instead, view the records in a different context and use that context when considering a player's legacy, greatness, or Hall of Fame worthiness. Perhaps 500 homeruns isn't a justifiable benchmark for players of the steroid era? This issue has nearly killed the league, but new mandates can revive it.

It's a shame that the two most popular sports in America have such problems because average sports fans are practically held over a barrel. We can look beyond each league's problems and focus on the games rather than the shenanigans, or we can relegate ourselves to watching the NHL on Versus. Too many people will choose the former and the leagues will continue to operate business as usual. But without some serious regulation, the atrocities of felony and steroids will eventually do enough harm to make fans pass on their favorite pastimes.

Piano Man

2009-08-10T12:52:00.005-04:00

Let's be honest, Billy Joel's Piano Man is the greatest song ever recorded. Every so often, a publication or radio station will compile a list of the X number of greatest songs ever, and they all have some common names atop the list--Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Nirvana. The selectors never really specify the criteria, though, probably because opinions on music are entirely subjective anyway. But I've come up with a list of what I believe are appropriate criteria, and Piano Man is right on key.

In order to be considered the greatest song ever, the song has to be likable, above all. Since I began testing my hypothesis over nine years ago, I've asked countless people of all ages and backgrounds if they like the song Piano Man. I didn't ask them if they loved it, if they think it's great, or if it's their favorite song ever. I asked if they liked it. You know how many "No" responses I received over the years? Zero. Not one person could truthfully say they disliked the song. Isn't it logical to conclude that a song without a detractor would be a rather highly qualified candidate for the greatest ever? Now I realize I'm opening myself up to be proven wrong here because someone will say they don't like the song just to disprove the theory. But to date, I have not heard of a person who does not "like" the song, at the very least. Sidebar: any meatball or diva that only listens to one type of music and refuses to acknowledge any other kind is discredited and disqualified from this conversation. I can already say that Stairway to Heaven and Smells Like Teen Spirit don't have the same likability factor, so they fail the first criterion. To be specific, I would say the greatest song ever would have to be liked by between 90 and 95 out of 100 qualified respondents. And I'm confident Piano Man achieves that--it has in my experience so far.

Secondly, the song has to be relatable. Everyone can relate to the characters in because of their own situations or those of close friends. The man who reminisces over memories from his younger days. The bartender who could be a moviestar if he didn't have to waste his life pouring shots. The career-focused man who never had time for a wife. "Davey" from the Navy who devoted his life to the service. The people who go to the bar to forget about life for a while. It doesn't hurt that the song features one of the greatest lines ever written as well--"Well the waitress is practicing politics/While the businessman slowly gets stoned/And they're sharing a drink they call loneliness/But it's better than drinking alone". Who can't relate to at least one of these? How many people are stuck in dead-end jobs and have aspirations of doing something they love? How often do we see people so obsessed with work that they shun a family life? And how often do we look forward to happy hour on Friday to forget about life for a while? Like I said, the characters and situations are relatable to every man and woman--something that can't be said about most other greatest-song-considerations.

Thirdly, the song has to be timeless. These situations are timeless because they focus on human nature--they could occur in any decade in any country in the world. The sound is timeless as well. The simple piano and harmonica combination will never really go out of style, and Billy's voice doesn't fall into a certain era of music either. The Stones, Beatles, Dylan and Zeppelin are easily identifiable and traceable to the classic rock sound of the 60's and 70's while Nirvana is obviously the early 90's grunge sound. Piano Man could probaby even blend in with pop music today. Don't think so? Listen to the songs Jason Mraz and The Fray release to the radio as singles...not too far off.

Lastly, the song has to be composed by a credible musician. No need for me to run down Billy Joel's track record for you to know he's an unbelievable singer/songwriter. I doubt it happens, but this criterion simply eliminates any one-hit wonders from appearing on the list. The credibility has to be there from the author, and in this case it is.

I always say the 3 things people should never argue over are religion, politics, and music because the debating parties will rarely concede their stances. However, the criteria I've laid out for this argument are fairly clear cut and, in my opinion, quite reasonable and objective. Piano Man is the only song I know of that fits into each, making it by default the greatest song ever recorded. Disagree? I'd love to hear it. Let's go in.

Writer's Block

2009-08-01T03:31:00.010-04:00

Let's be honest, writer's block sucks. In this case, it's not writer's block so much as I just don't feel like writing about some of the topics I already picked out. Instead, I decided I'd just write whatever came to mind. This could turn out terrible or be completely genius. 99% chance that it ends up more like the former than the latter.

I have a Yankees fitted cap that I got around the year 2000. It's my favorite hat. Without even realizing it, I now wear it slightly cocked to the right, a la CC Sabathia. I also wear it low over my eyes like Jay-Z. I don't wear it at all like Mike Mussina or Andy Pettitte. Weird. I always tell people my dad just tried to raise a nice Irish Catholic boy. At one point I thought he wanted me to listen to some dumb stuff like Peter Frampton. "Everyone in the world has Frampton Comes Alive. If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with packets of Tide." Great quote from Wayne's World 2. My favorite quote from Wayne's World 1 and 2 is when Garth is about to hit the town with the production crew and they ask Wayne if he'd like to tag along when Wayne responds, "No, it's ok. I'll just stay home and lick the cat's butt." People tell me I know too much about both of the Wayne's World movies. Some movies just stick with you, though. Some lines from movies stick out for me--I just watched Knocked Up again recently and one of my favorite lines is when Pete tells Ben, "You're like Babe Ruth's gay brother, Gaybe Ruth." That cracked my shit up. Same with several different lines from another Judd Apatow movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall..."Snuffeluffagus, cracks my shit up!" But The Hangover was the best movie of the year by a mile, much to the chagrin of Team Apatow fans. If you haven't seen it and think you have one funny bone in your body, you're doing yourself a disservice. Speaking of bones (Get your mind out of the gutter), did anyone see the X Games last Friday night? These guys are certified idiots. I watched one "event" where guys launched themselves off a ramp and tried to grind on a rail like desperate dudes at a bar full of fat chicks at closing time. And they're scored on this. And they never even land the trick! This is like watching the Homerun Derby where everyone misses on every pitch! Seriously? Why are they wasting our time with this nonsense? Don't they have some World Poker Tour to televise? Uh oh, Johnny thought he had the "nuts" but Billy busted him on the Flop with a flush draw and a pair of pocket tens. Who gives a flying rat's ass? You know what? We've all lost hands on account of bad luck, so we don't need to hear your dumb stories about getting beat by a King on the River. Just like we don't need to hear about how you have the Patriots Defense and they can't let up 50 or more yards or else you lose your fantasy football matchup this week. The Patriots suck. Boston sports suck. Manny and Ortiz are CHEATS! Manny is just being Manny and Ortiz is being a wuss about it. One word for that--"standard." There's a department store in Barbados called "Standard." A pair of my friends negotiated a back room deal to buy a couple "Standard" shirts from an employee. I still have my "Standard" shirt, though I nearly threw it away until I was confronted by an angry mob for even thinking of it. The shirt is a size XXL and I'm damn near swimming in the thing. Do you think the neighboring apartment complex would mind if I took a swim in its pool? I hope there aren't too many screaming kids there. I would punt a screaming kid if I had to. Not mine, of course. Mine will be the best kids ever created and also sick dancers. We are going to have crazy dance parties. You can come if you would like, but be prepared for me and my future children to drop the jump-rope on your ass. Not familiar with the jump-rope? This is me on your average Friday night. Then we break out the double-dutch...it's a sight for sure.

Wow, that was interesting. A bit cathartic as well. Hopefully that didn't scare you away from ever reading again...I promise I'll be back next week with something legit. Well--legit to me. You know.

Science vs Savage

2009-07-24T15:51:00.008-04:00

Let's be honest, boxing is superior to Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). Though the "Sweet Science" is deeply rooted in our country's history, MMA has gained tremendous popularity in recent years. It has more of the look of a fad, however, and the reasons for its rise are quite identifiable.

"Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather--arguably the pound-for-pound king and greatest boxer of his generation--said that MMA was created by "white fighters" who couldn't box and needed to "start something new." I think PBF took it a bit far by introducing the race card, but his core point is valid. MMA is for anyone who can't really fight. How did kids handle arguments after school? Or guys handling disputes in bar fights? With their fists. Not a kick to the shins, a chokehold, or a leg lock. Boxers are more skilled than MMA fighters, no question. If I wanted to watch two behemoth figures have it out, I'd go watch a couple bears claw each other to death in the woods. MMA fighters are "savages...savages...barely even human" (negative bonus points if you know what movie that quote is from). Just like baseball players are more skilled than football players, boxers are more skilled than MMA fighters. Need proof? Which one of these videos is more impressive, #1, or #2? The sport isn't always about brute strength and speed--technique wins 90% of fights. I shun the idea of athletes crossing over between the two since one is skill-based and the other is straight out of the Roman Colisseum.

So why has MMA taken off in recent years? Two reasons. First, it's a well known fact that boxing is only as successful as the Heavyweight division. I follow boxing and I couldn't even tell you a relevant Heavyweight outside of the Klitchko brothers (Who? Exactly). The division hasn't had a star since Lennox Lewis and an undisputed champion since Evander Holyfield. There's something about the phrase, "Heavyweight Champion of the World" that is incredibly bad-ass...or at least more so than the "Flyweight," "Welterweight," "Bantamweight," or even "Cruiserweight" champion. Probably because if you saw the Heavyweight champ in the airport, you'd think "I better stay out of this guy's way because he could kick my ass just by thinking about it." The Lightweight champ on the other hand--you probably think, "This guy is what? A buck-20? I could take him." Reality is, you couldn't, but the sport is best-served having its largest men as the most recognizable. The second reason for MMA's rise has to be a reflection of today's society. We deal with idiots all day and sometimes we just want to let out our frustration by watching one guy beat the tar out of another with a flying elbow to the neck. We're reverting back to our primitive nature because everything else has become difficult and complicated. We're tired of rules, tired of authority. Beer, sex, and fighting...what could be simpler than that? That's what we crave today because so much else around us sucks.

It's partly boxing's fault for MMA's rise by failing to produce and market noteworthy Heavyweights. Boxing, however, is still superior because of its skillful requirements, and also because the electricity of a Heavyweight title fight in Vegas cannot be matched by any sport. We'll grow out of the MMA fad soon enough and the "Sweet Science" will previal...KO in the 10th.

R.I.P. Arturo Gatti

The Realest

2009-07-20T13:20:00.006-04:00

Let's be honest, certain portrayals in cinema, television, and music are more realistic than others. In fact, some are so realistic that you'd swear they were based on true stories. Since Hollywood has a reputation for blowing tales out of proportion to create the best on-screen experience, it's only fair that we recognize those that represent the realest pictures. So without further adieu, I give to you the most realistic movie, television show, and song ever created.

From the characters to the settings to the plot line, Office Space is the most accurate movie portrayal ever made. I first saw Office Space back in high school and it quickly became a favorite. At the time, I thought to myself, "This is funny because it is over-satirizing a day in the life of corporate America." Only did I take my rightful place in a beige cube for several years did I realize that the movie is even funnier because IT IS ALL TRUE. Aside from Peter knocking over his cube walls and gutting fish at his desk, nearly every other part of the movie can be traced back to any corporate office in this country. Frankly, I don't know if this makes me want to laugh or cry...and most times, you have to laugh to keep from crying. In case you don't buy it on first glance that is is the most accurate movie portrayal, let's run down just a few of the resemblances:
Having 8 bosses- At my last job, I had 2, and there were 5 levels between myself and the CFO...not even the boss. I think this is a little less likely for everyone, but a definite if you work in a big company.
The Consultants- Shocker...I've recently been through this as well. Given today's economy, these "consultants" are popping up more frequently. Just remember, whenever you do something, ask yourself, "Is this good for the company?"
Bill Lumberg- We've all had bosses that ask us to work on the weekend, which is especially great when they don't do so themselves.
Milton Waddams- The weird guy that nobody is really sure about. He's the office-punching bag and there's a 50/50 shot you could show up tomorrow and he will have burned down the building. Again, with today's economy, more likely than ever.

If you have any doubt, pop in the movie again and take another look...it's uncanny, really.

South Park's depiction of Al Gore is the most realistic television show I have ever witnessed. If you're not familiar with the episode, Al Gore comes to the small town of South Park to warn children about a growing problem that is seriously going to affect the world. This problem is none other than "Manbearpig," a creature that is half man, half bear, and half pig, and "is out to get you!" In case you can't pick up on the parody, Manbearpig represents Global Warming, and the writers are playing on Al Gore's desperate attempt to get back into the spotlight by preaching about an idea that is perhaps blown out of proportion. I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, probably because it looked like an inconvenient turd of a movie. Guess what? Sometimes it's hot outside, and sometimes it's cold. It might be warmer more often than it's cold recently, but only because the process is cyclical! A few generations from now, Al Gore VII will probably make a movie about how the polar ice caps are taking over the globe. I also wonder why Al Gore did NOTHING like this when he was the Vice President. I highly recommend that everyone watch this episode--the writing is brilliant and the antics hilarious. I'm super serial. Check it out here.

When it comes to music, Katy Perry's Ur So Gay is the most accurate depiction I've found. Despite the title, this actually has nothing to do with homosexuals and is more a rant on Metrosexual and "Emo" men. Katy laments at what seem to be past boyfriends who turn out to be so narcissistic that they'd rather be gay with themselves than be with a woman. They're obsessed with their own clothes, looks, intellect, and feelings--preferring to "read Hemingway in the rain" than hang out in LA. They wear more makeup than she, squeeze into the ever-popular skinny jeans, and shun meat for a vegan lifestyle. The chorus, "You're so gay and you don't even like boys," is a comical way for her to complain and wish that her exes had just went ahead and liked men rather than put on this facade that they'd even be interested in a woman. I love how pointed her lyrics are in this song and think it's absolutely true in this day and age. My "Frosted Tips of 2009" blog a few weeks back pointed out some ridiculous trends like skinny jeans and faux-hawks that need to go away, and Katy seemingly has some of the same gripes. That means, guys--stop trying to be more high-maintenance than girls! Makeup...dead! Veggie diets...dead!

There you have it--Office Space, South Park's Manbearpig, and Katy Perry's Ur So Gay are some of the most accurate portrayls in media. If you feel like you need a dose of reality, check any one of them out. Be prepared, though, because they're certainly different than your average Hollywood depictions.

Beyond a Probable Doubt

2009-07-13T09:18:00.007-04:00

Let's be honest, the justice system needs a shake-up. The system was designed to give everyone the best chance at a fair trial and consequently a fair outcome, but the rules have become so intricate that nifty lawyers continue to find loopholes to exploit. Moreover, idiot politicians are lobbying to extend the privileges of American citizens to foreigners. Have we become so obsessed with the legal process that we've moved further away from the point of the system?

I'm no expert, but the worst possible outcome of any trial and greatest fear of any judge has to be wrongly imprisoning or punishing an innocent person. Allowing a guilty man to walk, though still wrong, doesn't seem to be as great of a concern. In fact, when a guilty man goes free, his lawyer often proclaims it a success story for the US judicial system. The OJ trial is a prime example of the problem. OJ was found not guilty (not "innocent," by the way) because some idiots at the crime scene mishandled evidence, the race card was an easy one to play, and OJ enlisted the services of the most powerful, knowledgeable, and influential lawyers available. Meanwhile, the prosecution trotted out Lionel Hutz to make the state's case. OJ did everything short of killing his wife on camera while wearing his Buffalo Bills jersey and holding his Heisman
Trophy in the other hand. Stevie Wonder could even see him do it! But because his lawyers were able to find flaws in the system, he walked and continues to search for his wife's killer on golf courses and in Vegas hotels. Casey Anthony will be on trial in the next year for the alleged murder of her daughter Caylee. All the evidence exists to put her away for life, but again she enlisted powerful (read: shady) lawyers to find loopholes in her case. It seems unbelievable, but she could very well walk because, once again, of how evidence was handled at the crime scene.

The reason OJ walked and Casey may is because the law states the defendant must be found guilty "beyond a reasonable doubt." Listen, I get this. I also agree that putting away an innocent person is a horrible consequence. But without all the legal BS, can we at least do a sniff test? Come on, we can all say with 95% conviction that OJ and Casey Anthony are guilty. Can't we use statistical probability to impose a lesser sentence? Can't we tell OJ, "We can't prove 100% that you did it because Bozo the Clown tripped over himself with the evidence, but we're pretty damn sure. Why don't you just go away for a year or two. That'll learn ya"? Would anyone be opposed to Casey Anthony going away for even a little while? Let's get some steam behind this idea.

Speaking of flaws in the justice system, what's all this nonsense about giving Miranda rights to foreign terrorists and/or war criminals? Sorry, bruh, you lost those rights when you became a terrorist. I can't even think of one good reason why these people should be afforded the same rights as American citizens, so I won't even try to justify the other side of the argument. This is a no-brainer, so let's nip it in the bud right now--no need to discuss any further.

What do you think? Aren't you even a bit concerned about these people who we're almost certain are guilty walking out without so much as a slap on the wrist? Sure, Andy Dufresne would likely disagree with me, and these people are often guilty in the court of public opinion for the rest of their lives. But the punishment doled out from that court hardly seems substantial enough.

Diddy Boppin

2009-07-06T15:57:00.008-04:00

Let's be honest, we never fully appreciate people while they are alive. Last week I paid my regards to pitchman Billy Mays, and now it's my turn to salute a true living legend. He's one of the world's greatest entertainers, influencing the worlds of music, movies, theater, and fashion. I'm talking of course about the one and only Sean "P. Diddy" Combs.

Ok, the lead paragraph is what we in the biz call a "hook," and it's obviously a bit tongue-in-cheek. Since the theme of this blog is honesty, I'll be honest myself here. I used to despise Diddy. Interestingly enough, though, he hasn't changed over the years. He's always been the same Diddy--the things I despised about him before are the same things I love about him now. He's arrogant, flashy, and talentless, but at the end of the day he is entertaining. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times--in any form of entertainment, you have to be really good or really bad. You have to either be Einstein-funny or dumb as rocks. In hip-hop, I like Lupe and Common because of their intelligence and Cam'ron because he's in essence a joke-rapper. In movies, I go back-and-forth between Memento and Dumb and Dumber atop my all-time favorite movie list. Diddy is absolutely ridiculous, but if you stop taking him seriously then his entertainment level rises infinitely.

If we travel back in time to old-Diddy, we can see he really has always been the same. Throughout the 90's, Diddy was fortunate enough to manage potentially the greatest rapper that ever lived in The Notorious BIG. So here you have a phenomenal rapper in the midst of recording epic songs played even still today, and his clown of a manager feels the need to hop on the tracks. Witness Diddy's adlib contribution to Biggie's "Big Poppa" (arguably his most popular track ever):

Tell your friends, to get with my friends, and we can be friends
Sh*t we can do this every weekend. Is that alright wit' you? Yeah, keep banging.

Further proof of Diddy's adlib prowess, on Biggie's "Long Kiss Goodnight":

See the f*cked up thing is that I love you. It's just in my nature to love you.
I can't hate you cuz it's not in my nature to hate you.

Diddy seemed to save his best for the music videos, too. Looking back at these classic videos, why didn't we all pick it up sooner that this guy was a joke?

"Mo Money Mo Problems" (look at the outfits! Just watch Diddy the whole time. You'll have a new appreciation)
"Missing You" (gotta love the motorcycle wipeout in the intro)
"Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" (again with the dance moves)

Fast forward 10 years and Diddy continues to top himself on a weekly basis. He's even taken advantage of the Twitter craze, posting various updates in his PTwittyTV series. Some of my favorite PTwittyTV episodes:

Epsiode #20- Swagga Like Puff (should undoubedtly win a Grammy, Moonman, ASCAP, Emmy, Tony, and every other possible award. If you don't find this funny then you are a certified square)
Episode #24- Live From the 305! (I'm going to replicate this video in my neighborhood one day)
Episode #27- Recent Breakout of B*tchassness (the Maybach ain't hurtin the situation, neither)

And in case you want the summer/fall/winter knock-it-out-of-the-park hit of 2009, make sure you download Diddy's latest hit, Diddy Bop.

All in all, you have to love Diddy. Because of his affiliation with Biggie, we cut him slack and let him hang around in the highest of hip hop circles. Since we've grown a little further from the situation, we all now realize what Diddy is about--absurdity. He's just here to make us laugh and make us move--nothing more, nothing less. Once you properly file him away into his place in the entertainment world, you can more fully appreciate what he brings to the table. Now do that Diddy Bop!

Billy Mays Here!

2009-06-29T15:52:00.005-04:00

Let's be honest, we've all been pretty shocked by the celebrity deaths in the past week. One has grabbed the media spotlight more so than others, but it doesn't make the others less important. I'm not going to pretend like I know any of them, or even know a lot about them. My only memories of Ed McMahon are from Star Search and I only know Farrah Fawcett from pictures. Enough will be said about Michael Jackson--musician, songwriter, dancer, entertainer--but I feel the need to make sure Billy Mays gets a proper send-off as well.

This is no way a shot at Michael Jackson. I wasn't a huge MJ fan. I enjoy his music and appreciate his long-lasting impact, but what else can I say that you haven't heard already? There will never be another like him, but he'll live on through his music.

I've written in the past that I'm not an idea guy--my brain just isn't wired that way. But I love being around idea people. I love that they live up in the clouds and they aren't confined to what is. Billy Mays was an idea guy. He was a self-made successful entrepreneur that got his start selling products on the Atlantic City boardwalks. He ran the circuit across country pitching products, sacrificing his family in turn and ultimately divorcing his first wife. But he kept at it, developing his signature style and rising to the top of the infomercial industry. Billy only recently started to gain the acclaim and respect that he truly deserved as he flourished in the so-called "prime" of his career. He started doing numerous commercials parodying himself and his style and even appeared on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien with fellow pitchman Anthony Sullivan. Billy and Sully's show, Pitchmen, on The Discovery Channel allowed viewers a peek into the inner-workings of the industry and Billy's daily grind.

Billy was a successful entrepreneur because he cared about the products, proud to say that he owned every product he promoted on television. He wasn't bullshitting in his ads--if he was then I bought it hook, line, and sinker--and you could tell because the passion for the products was evident. And like a true entrepreneur, Billy wanted to help others reach the level of success he'd achieved. He knew what it felt like to have a product he knew people needed and how hard it is to catch the big break. Pitchmen became one of my favorite shows because Billy and Sully were giving inventors the chance to realize their dreams. Some succeeded, some failed, but they never would have gotten the chance if not for Billy and Sully.

From the show, Billy just seemed like a really nice guy. He remarried and appeared to be a loving father to his two kids--one of which bears his name and aims to follow in his footsteps. It would take Billy hours to walk through an airport to his gate because everyone wanted to stop and talk about how they loved the products he pitched. Sully even brought him along on his personal charter in an effort to convince Billy to travel hassel-free. But Billy wouldn't give in--probably I think because he loved that interaction with the people. Knowing that makes it even harder to fathom that his death may have been due in part to his last flight on a commercial airline.

Everyone will mourn Michael, but Billy's passing won't have the same impact. I hope he gets the respect and due that he's earned. He wasn't the Michael Jackson of entrepreneurship, but he was great at what he did and he had a great heart. Sometimes people like that deserve just as much credit as even the most acclaimed superstars.

Fashion Disasters '09

2009-06-23T09:53:00.006-04:00

Let's be honest, some fashion trends just don't stick and then end up becoming the poster-child for a time period's fashion mistakes. Each decade has been characterized by a few trends that were "in" at the time but cause an awful lot of head-turning when we look at old photos. Surprisingly, most embarrassing trends of decades past have come back around in recent years. So it begs the question, what trends of today will be the "frosted tips" of 2009?

The Seventies had afros and bellbottoms and the Eighties had neon, wigwams, and the Canadian Tuxedo (denim jacket, denim pants). The Nineties had the aforementioned frosted tips, flannel shirts, and mini skirts, and the early 2000's featured baggy jeans, throwback jerseys, and Capri pants. In the late 90's, the bellbottoms of the 70's came back, and afros go in-and-out of style every so often. Recently, we've seen some of the 80's fasion come back in style. Neon, denim jackets, and even mullets are back in! Of course, "in" is a relative term--none of these are "in" in Middle America. So give it about 5-10 years and the fashion of the early 90's is going to creep back into our lives--just watch.

All this is beside the point. So what are people wearing today that when we look back in 10 years will make us utter that poignant and powerful three-letter acronym--WTF?

1) Skinny Jeans. Why the F would I wear jeans suctioned onto my legs? Is this the single-most impractical invention ever? Aside from the physical existence of pockets, which you couldn't use on skinny jeans anyway, what's the difference between skinny jeans and saran wrapping your entire bottom half when you get dressed? I think this will even be seen as a bit ridiculous for girls, who have looked good for decades before this absurd trend.

2) Scarf...with a tee shirt. Ok...so...see...you wear...huh? Really? I don't even know how to start this line of questioning. Short sleeve shirt--so it must be warm enough. And a scarf...ok...why? Did we suddenly evolve into a species where the body temperature in our necks is far colder than the rest of our bodies? I'm seriously confused here.

3) Graphic button downs. The buttons say "I'm sophisticated" while the graphics say "I'm craaaaaazy!" What's next? The graphic tuxedo?

4) Bug-eye Sunglasses. They go from eye brow to lower cheek bone and sit on the tip of the nose. The perfectly matching item for this accessory is a bright red pair of clown shoes.

5) The Faux-Hawk. If you're not familiar, it's a mohawk without shaving the sides of the head, just grooming around the mohawk. Nothing says "I have no balls" like going for the mohawk half-heartedly. Go big or go home, my friends.

So there you have it. If you are a victim of one of these trends, live it up while you can and then feel free to laugh at yourself in a few years. We've all been there before, and we'll all be there again.

Organizational Misbehavior

2009-06-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

Let’s be honest, some organizations have absolutely no idea what they are doing. A friend of mine named Al Clifford played for a baseball team whose problems strongly resemble those of your average corporation. In order to protect the team’s identity, I’ll call them the Maitland Vulture Claws. It is frustrating to hear Al talk about how the team is run, and I’m just glad that I don’t have to put up with an organization like this.

The Maitland Vulture Claws are a subsidiary of a cricket team called the Maryland Isotopes. The cricket team is based in Maryland, saw baseball as a similar game, and planted the baseball team’s headquarters in Florida (Maitland) since baseball is played there year-round. While synergies exist between the two sports, cricket and baseball are quite different. Unfortunately for the Vulture Claws organization, most of its upper management hails from the cricket world and maintain the idea that the two are the same and can be run in a similar fashion. When baseball was at its peak (during the “steroid era”), the Maitland Vulture Claws decided to build and build, expanding its stadium to hold an unbelievable number of guests beyond what many knew the demand required. This strategy quite obviously proved short-sighted, however, since the stadium is now a heap of unused seats and excess inventory. Moreover, the ancillary outlets on-site—snack shacks, merchandise stores, etc—are running at huge losses because not enough visitors come through the doors or care to spend money in addition to the ticket price if they do.

To complicate manners, the Maryland Isotopes recently bought a high-end cricket team in another league in Maryland called the Rockford Cartographers. Seeing the success of the Vulture Claws in their heyday, the Cartographers pushed for its own baseball team and also put it in Florida, right down the west coast of the state, calling it the Riviera Coast Clubbers. As the Rockford and Riviera Coast teams are much more high-end, the required levels of service are much higher and employees are paid a premium. The Riviera Coast Clubbers expanded its stadium as well during the “steroid era” and are left in even worse shape in a poor economy because no one cares to spend the ungodly amount of money charged for ticket packages or concessions on-site.

As if the operations of each of these organizations weren’t jacked-up enough, the ticket sales department is just as bad, if not worse. While logically the sales team should be selling season-ticket packages while appealing to customers’ emotions (since there is no financial return on this kind of purchase), they have instead chosen to market the stadiums themselves. The stadiums have become the selling point—not the games. The sales team has also largely focused on selling to existing season-ticket holders rather than trying to bring in new customers, a strategy that makes no sense since that’s not actually considered growth! Furthermore, season-tickets are not for everyone, yet the sales team pressures customers into purchasing by using up-front discounts. When the early-stage benefit runs out, these customers have realized they cannot afford the package and default on their payment.

Tough economic times have forced both the Vulture Claws and the Clubbers to go through an organizational restructuring, and poor Al was let go. If the organizations were performing so badly, you’d think the President, CEO, COO, or even GM would be fired, correct? Instead, they have chosen to cut the players on the field, opting to play without a catcher and an entire outfield! They’ve even taken some of the players out of the field and moved them to managerial roles thinking that more chiefs and less Indians will solve the problem. Meanwhile, the team only sends 5 players to bat in the lineup, rolls the dice on defense, and fails to address the question of where all that work will go. Releasing all these players will reduce the teams’ salary expenses in the next quarter and they can avoid paying severance to high-paid 20-year management veterans, but the underlying problems remain.

Al couldn’t be happier to be out of that organization, and I couldn’t be happier for him. He’s going to move on and never look back while using that experience to help educate his future teams on what NOT to do. If you’re in a similar situation as Al, hang in there but look for alternative opportunities. Those organizations have it coming to them—and if you’re still around then you might end up as the shit in the proverbial fan.

The Last Great Generation?

2009-06-08T15:52:00.005-04:00

Let’s be honest, there will never be another “Greatest Generation.” Years ago, Tom Brokaw authored a book singing the praises of the World War II generation, appropriately calling it the “greatest” because of its role in changing the world. It’s unfortunate, but because of the attitudes of Gen X and Gen Y, this level of appreciation will likely never resurface.

I myself am part of Generation Y, and proud of it. We’re smart, capable, non-traditional, and fun-seeking. We’re also demanding, though—not necessarily in a bad way, but we demand answers for what doesn’t make sense. “Because it’s the way we’ve always done it” no longer suffices for a Gen Y’ers question about operating procedure or policy. We see the way our parents (Boomers) are treated by their companies and don’t want the same outcome. Ok...so what does this have to do with anything? Because so much has been written about Gen Y, and Gen Y’ers have embraced the persona, a noticeable chip has formed on our collective shoulder. As far as we’re concerned, we can often do no wrong. And because we’ve seen the way our parents were treated or disagree with how they treated us, we naturally resent authority. We can’t conceive that some old hag could possibly share our ideals or put programs/policies/initiatives in place that are in line with what we believe.

I don’t mean for this to be politically charged, but an obvious example is the attitude toward World War II versus the War in Iraq. Soldiers from the Iraqi War will never be appreciated the same way as WWII vets because of the failure to get behind the cause. Whether you agree with the war or not, you must support soldiers risking their lives to preserve American freedom. But this is often overlooked because we are too concerned with our own agendas and what’s in it for us.

Since the heroes of war will seemingly never be appreciated again, what will it take to garner that same level of respect and appreciation? Our country is currently struggling through a terrible financial crisis the likes of which we’ve never seen. We’re going to get out of it…we all know this. But will we champion those responsible for leading us out of the recession and into the impending cyclical boom? Will we all take credit for it? Because of political agendas, will the true heroes be overlooked? Who knows. These last few years have been world-changing, just as WWII (although on a completely different and incomparable scale) was world-changing. What is going to take for us to consider another generation truly “great?”

I can only hope that the next time a global conflict of WWII-stature arises that a) I can live through it, b) good prevails over evil, and c) we realize the importance and heroism of the game-changing players. We need to get rid of the shoulder-chip, remain somewhat humble, and keep things in perspective. Only then will we be able to appreciate the greatness of a generation.

The Yankee Way

2009-06-01T17:40:00.004-04:00

Let’s be honest, if you have a problem with the Yankees, you have a problem with capitalism. It’s one thing to dislike the team because you root for a rival squad or prefer pulling for underdogs, but to say the Yanks “cheat” or “buy championships” is another. They play within the rules of a system, and if you don’t like it then you can move to Russia circa 1918.

The Yankees are a business. The baseball team is a subsidiary of a parent company, Yankee Global Enterprises, which also owns the YES Network and several real estate holdings. The YES Network is the largest and most successful regional sports network in baseball, and likely in all of sports. Because of the worldwide fan base, the YES Network can sell ad space at a premium on its 24-hour Yankee-based programming channel. This is what we in the biz call a “cash cow.” So all the money is funneled up through YGE and gives the Yankees access to unmatched amounts of capital. The team itself has actually been running at a loss in recent years, but it doesn’t matter because the team is only one branch of the company. Plus it’s privately owned, not public, so the gain or loss only truly affects the owners. Some seats in the new Yankee Stadium have not yet been sold, but even still the increased ticket prices over the life of the Stadium show a great revenue increase. And the way to justify higher ticket prices? World class facilities and world class athletes. The Yankees are providing both in 2009.

Since the rules in baseball promote a free market system, why do people get fired up when the Yanks spend money? If they have the most money, why can’t they spend the most? I made this point in a blog last year—if a company has excess cash, it can either pay a dividend (the baseball equivalent would be giving money back to the fans through ticket price decreases) or reinvest (purchasing new assets, ie players). The Yankees have chosen to reinvest in risk-associated assets with the hope of making a good return. Would you rather the owners sit on the cash and get richer? They could easily do that, but then they would be the Kansas City Royals. The Yanks can afford to shell out money for players because the money is there and a spending limit is not. Paying a player millions of dollars hurts a salary cap-bound NFL team more than it does a baseball team.

And for the communists out there, baseball even installed a Joe the Plumber-esque revenue sharing program that forces all teams in the league to spread the wealth amongst each other. MLB taxes teams over a certain payroll threshold and distributes the money among the less financially savvy--err...fortunate teams. So what do the Yankees do every year? They hand over a check to MLB for millions of dollars that owners of competing organizations stuff into their pockets. Do these other owners use that money to go purchase free agent contracts? Some do, but most don’t. Instead, they sit on the money, cover losses from bad management, and complain about another team overspending.

It’s hard to dispute that the free market system works, too. In the last 9 years, 8 different teams have won the World Series. In the same time frame, only 6 different teams have won the Super Bowl, 5 different teams have won the NBA championship, and 6 teams won the Stanley Cup. With those results, how can anyone argue that baseball teams play at a disadvantage?

The Yankees have a business plan like everyone else. Does it always work? Of course not—it clearly hasn’t worked in recent years. But it’s just another way of doing business well within the rules of the capitalist system, and there is simply no disputing that.

An Unpleasant Relapse

2009-05-13T13:36:00.004-04:00

Let’s be honest, Eminem is on his way out because of his failure to successfully reinvent himself. A megastar of hip hop over the last 10+ years, Eminem’s ability on the mic has since faded. He is a shell of his former self when it comes to rhyming and should hang it up before he’s forced out of the game.

Eminem burst onto the scene in the late 90’s with The Slim Shady LP, featuring his first big single, “My Name Is.” He was hip hop’s white guy—a little dude from Detroit with a bleach-blonde buzzcut and high-pitched nasal delivery. He became known over the next several years as an unbelievable lyricist with brass balls, taking shots at singers, actors, and politicians alike. The Marshall Mathers LP was recorded in the same light and led to enormous success to the tune of 13-times platinum. Em’s style began to change on the 8 Mile soundtrack, ditching the high, nasal, off-beat delivery and focusing on riding beats much harder. He sounded more mature—a natural part of anyone’s career progression. The new style carried over to his third LP, The Eminem Show, in what I believe is the pinnacle of his career. Em combined social critique with funny meaningless rants and personal tribute with personal remorse, all while supplied with exceptional beats and his best vocal pitch. I wish I could strike his next album, Encore, from the record, but that really happened. Just an awful album with no redeemable tracks. Em disappeared for a while, released a mixtape-turned-album (The Re-Up) with his crew, and recently released his latest project, Relapse.

As vile as Eminem was in his early career, it gave him a sort-of charm and likeability because he joked around so much and people rarely took him seriously. Once he evolved from that and changed his style, we grew with him. On Relapse, Em is doing his best Benjamin Button, trying to age backwards and revert to an old style. Unfortunately, he has failed miserably. His old signature nasal voice has been replaced by a Triumph-the-Insult-Comic-Dog sound-alike, which works for a song but not an entire album. It’s almost as if he is trying to go back to his old style but can’t duplicate it because he’s simply not that rapper anymore. I compare him to Hulk Hogan wrestling in the year 2009. “I am a Real American” blares over the loud speakers as Hulk saunters into the ring sporting the same old yellow and red pants and bleach blonde locks flowing off his nearly bald head. But we know it’s not the real Hulk—Hulk knows it’s not the real Hulk. He just can’t do what he used to be able to do. Same applies to Eminem. The attempt to transform into his old self turned into a drug-induced, off-the-wall, psychopathic rant that begs for attention and controversy. I don’t know Eminem’s rap-sheet off hand, but I haven’t heard of any murders or rapes he’s commited. The album is a modern-day American Psycho where Em’s veins are so drug-laden that he’s actually convinced he’s done all of these things. He’s such a good storyteller that if you didn’t know any better and were hearing his material for the first time, you’d be convinced he’s atop the list of America’s Most Wanted. And if you didn’t get his twisted sense of humor, you’d find his imitation of Christopher Reeves and rhymes about Heath Ledger bobbleheads some of the most offensive lines ever spoken. Like I said, though, the album is full of horror stories that even Eminem wouldn’t carry out. So what is his purpose for recording?

In hip hop today, you either have to be really good, or really bad. If you’re good, you have to be relevant and have an interesting take (see Kanye West). If you’re bad, you have to make pop music and call it hip hop (see Flo Rida) or create a dance to accompany the song (see Soulja Boy). We either want to be stimulated mentally or physically—there’s no room left for rape and murder. It doesn’t sell anymore. And it especially doesn’t sell if it’s not even true. People’s expectations are higher and they demand more for their $9.99. If Eminem is to survive in the hip hop game, he must progress like he did earlier in his career instead of regressing like he has been of late. Otherwise, it might be curtains for the infamous Detroit rapper.

Dog's Worst Friend

2009-05-11T16:42:00.003-04:00

Let’s be honest, Michael Vick will never have a successful NFL career again and we can attribute it to one group of people: dog-lovers. As a nation, we are a pretty forgiving people—but offend dog-people and all bets are off. For Michael Vick, it would be better if he never showed his face in public again.

In case you’ve forgotten, Michael Vick was sent to jail on animal cruelty charges for drowning and electrocuting pitbulls, on top of organizing an underground dog-fighting ring. You don’t have to be a dog-lover to realize how awful this is. It’s one of those gut reactions we have as humans; if your natural reaction is to squirm or cringe, it passes the test—it’s wrong. And usually gravely wrong. As far as I’m concerned, you need to go away if you hurt defenseless animals, touch kids, litter, or wear guy-liner (which probably means you touch kids, so it’s a wash). I’m sure you all know one or two dog-lovers out there. They’re highly irrational when it comes to their dogs—buying them clothes, accessories, gourmet food, and pampering them any way possible. You could show dog-lovers a movie in which 1,000 grown men get mowed down by machine gunfire and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But hurt one hair on a dog’s head and they will walk right out. A few weeks back I made a joke about Sean Penn playing “Marley” in Marley and Me, satirizing the fact that dogs often receive more sympathy than even the greatest movie characters ever portrayed.

You had better believe that dog-lovers will be out in full force, PETA-style, if Michael Vick gets a job with an NFL team. He sure isn’t welcome back in Atlanta where the Falcons are now being led by Matt Ryan, the squeaky-clean golden boy from Boston College. Some teams have already expressed interest in Vick, not because he’s a great player (because he’s not), but because he’s a spectacle. You know what else is a spectacle? A football player with an arm growing out of his ass. Any team thinking about signing Vick should really consider the ramifications—it is going to be a public relations nightmare. One-hundred thousand apologies would not get Vick back in the good graces of the public. Moreover, dog-lovers rallying and protesting outside NFL stadiums will make game-days very uncomfortable for a lot of fans.

You'd think because Ray Lewis, an NFL'er formerly suspected of murder, has reintegrated himself into the league that Vick would be able to do the same. It's the difference between suspicion and conviction, and humans and dogs. Vick will never, and should never, be able to live this down. Dog people will be sure of it.

Tweeting

2009-05-05T08:32:00.003-04:00

Let’s be honest, Twitter doesn’t exactly work for those of us in corporate America. Actually, it doesn’t work for a lot of people—people who think their lives are more interesting than they really are. I realize my life isn’t interesting enough for Twitter, and you know what? I’m okay with that. Yesterday I pretended I had a Twitter account and recorded updates as to what I did all day. Here’s what transpired.

6:07: Hit the snooze button on my alarm 3 times this morning. Out of bed, finally. Ugh.

6:53: Worked out my core with Maya from “Wii Fitness Coach” for 30 minutes…what an accomplishment! I’m really proud of myself.

7:00: Ann Curry is filling in for Meredith Vieira on The Today Show. Love Annie!

8:27: Listening to some sweet tunes on the way to work. Journey, anyone? Don’t stop! Belieeeeeeeeeevin!

8:45: Only 8 new emails when I opened my Inbox :). Going to be a great day! Time to put the headphones on…

9:39: I hate when the systems are slow! Waiting…ugh.

11:46: Who left a tuna fish sandwich in the refrigerator over the weekend? Party, I mean Office, Foul! LOL!

12:15: Stuck inside eating at my desk…so jealous of all my friends at the beach...love you guys! Have fun!

2:12: Uh-oh, just got a fire drill. Looks like today might be busier than expected…

2:59: Starving…need an afternoon snack

3:01: Trip to the vending machine…a success! Hunger quenched…

4:25: Need to prepare for a conference call with some folks in Hawaii…thinking of my last trip to Hawaii and how great it would be to go again. Which reminds me, did anyone see The Hills last week? Brody and Audrina! OMG!

5:47: Conference call just ended…boy am I drained! Time to head home…

6:36: Relaxing on the couch, waiting for some dinner…I feel like chicken tonight! Like chicken tonight! LOL!

10:04: Great night of relaxing and TV watching…rinse, wash, and repeat and do it all again tomorrow!

I feel bad that I had to subject you all to that; that was painful just to write. If you have a desk job, I doubt the majority of your days are vastly different. The point of the story: no one cares what I do on an hourly basis. And if you do, please inform me so I can file a restraining order. My advice: enjoy and be immersed in what you’re actually doing rather than planning your activities based on what sounds good on a Twitter or Facebook update!

A Few Of My Favorite Things

2009-04-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

Let’s be honest, I often point out what is wrong with our society. Truth is, good things happen every day and good people do things to make the world a better place. Personally, it’s the little things that make me happy. So here is a list of things I love.

Vinnie’s Pizza. It’s located on Hwy 35 in Wall, NJ and I suggest you stop in if you’re in the area. They make the best pizza I’ve ever tasted, and I consider myself to be somewhat of a pizza connoisseur. Should you visit, ask for Jose Luis. He’s a good guy and makes a sick cheesesteak.

Day Baseball. If you’ve been, you know that little beats playing hookey to catch an afternoon baseball game outside.

Manny Pacquaio. Manny is a Philippine boxer, more notably the pound-for-pound best in the world. He incessantly gives back to his country and each of his fights is considered his nation’s stimulus package. Manny doesn’t worry about giving too much because he realizes “you can’t take it with you when you’re gone.”

Great Ideas. They have the ability to change the way business is done and we all know great ideas when we hear them. I’m not an idea-person—my brain isn’t wired that way—but I’m greatly inspired by those who are. I recently heard this quote and couldn’t agree more: “Politics don’t matter in the face of a good idea. If you have the best idea in the room, you will win.”

Malcolm Gladwell’s Books. Yes, I’m a snobby book nerd who prefers good books over good movies. Gladwell’s three books, “The Tipping Point,” “Blink,” and “Outliers,” are among the best I’ve read for his unique ability to look at social situations. His perspectives force the reader to see things differently, not take everything for face value, and really evaluate why things are the way they are.

Pun Jokes. For instance—what do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite. Or even better—what do you call a prisoner falling off a building? Condescending. I just laughed at both of those.

Boston in the Fall. For about one month each year, Boston is graced with what some call “perfect” weather—65 and sunny. If you’re enrolled in undergrad, you can actually enjoy an afternoon outside too. Jeans and short-sleeves are all you need to be comfortable, so take a visit there if you get a chance.

The Rehash. If you’ve been on Spring Break, you should know the best part of each day is the 3-4 hours you spend at the pool or beach each morning telling stories from the night before. It usually takes the entire crew to put all the puzzle pieces together and the joy is really in the journey here. The stories the next day are often funnier than the events themselves because of everyone’s altered perspective.

“Flashing Lights.” This 2007 single off Kanye West’s Graduation has the best beat I’ve ever heard. I’m not alone when I say this beat makes me want to stand up and do the “Running Man” on the spot. There are times when the music just moves you…what can I say?

People Who Do What They Love. I’m inspired by people who shun conventional jobs to pursue a passion. Something can be said about those people who know their dream and take any steps to realize it—even if it’s a temporary step backwards. To have a job that doesn’t feel like work is most people’s ultimate career goal, and these people are taking the necessary steps to make it happen. Want to be inspired? Search online for video clips of Marcus Buckingham and Daniel Pink.

There’s a lot to be happy about, and a lot to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all these things and many more. It’s tough to stay positive in times like today but if you actively seek out the things that make you feel good about yourself, you’re doing your part to make a difference.

The Difference Between Right and Left

2009-04-21T09:56:00.001-04:00

Let’s be honest, Miss California should be President. Ok, maybe that’s a bit much, but she is yet another victim of the hypocritical Left. On one hand, it’s just the Miss USA competition—a meaningless pageant for girls abused by over-obsessive mothers. On the other hand, what took place is a microcosm for the already-grown problem in this country—the Left’s rise to power, hypocrisy, and abuse of all things moral.

In the Miss USA competition this past weekend, Miss California was asked by judge Perez Hilton whether or not the ban on gay marriage should be lifted in other states across America. If you’re not familiar with Perez Hilton, 1) he’s a male celebrity gossip blogger and 2) read my blog last week about stereotypes. You now know everything you need to know about Perez. Miss California answered that she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman because that’s how she was raised. Perez was “floored” by the response, decimated her score, and cost her the competition. Ok, I’m not so concerned that she lost the pageant. My concern is Perez Hilton calling her a “dumb bitch” and that he wished her answer were more “politically savvy.” He also went on to say “Just because she’s Christian, I don’t want to hear about Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, because that’s offensive to Jewish-Americans, Muslim-Americans, and Atheists.” First off, when did she mention anything about Jesus or being Christian? Second, why can’t she speak what she believes?

Are we entering a reverse age of the Inquisition? Conservatives, and especially Christians, are being forced to bite their tongues for fear of being offensive. Are Christians offended when Jews talk about Yahweh or when Muslims mention Allah? And heaven-forbid we should offend the Atheists. You know what is offensive? Speaking at a Catholic university and covering up the sign of Jesus. Or speaking at a different Catholic university while pushing pro-abortion laws. There’s nobody in this country that does that, is there? Oh, my bad, it’s our President. Whoops. Building on this notion of hypocrisy, the Almighty Barack Obama actually stated on the campaign trail that he believes marriage should be between a man and a woman. Didn’t hear any barking back then. Hell, didn’t even see that clip until today! Weird how that happens. Can you imagine if Bill O’Reilly called Perez a “dumb queer?” The nation would be outraged, Rosie O’Donnell would be waddling around the television circuit on her soapbox, the Oscars would retrospectively give Milk every Oscar, and there would be an all-out assault on the Right. Or better yet, can you imagine Jamie Foxx calling Miley Cyrus a “white bitch” and joking that she needs to make a sex tape? Wait…that already happened? And what was the punishment? None? Didn’t Don Imus, a legend in radio broadcasting, lose his job for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy headed ho’s?” Imus and Foxx committed the same offense—neither right—but the punishments were different. Why is that?

The sad part is that Perez Hilton reaches more kids than any conservative I can think of. He represents the Left’s ignorance and unwillingness to accept any views except their own, thus promoting a life of close-mindedness. To be a well-rounded individual, you have to see both sides. You have to be tolerant of other views. You have to accept people for their right to believe what they want. To do otherwise would be a downright shame.

I’m again desperately seeking a Leftist opinion here because I can’t imagine what an intelligent response would sound like. I’d love to be surprised, though. Let’s go in.

The Fuss About Stereotypes

2009-04-14T09:15:00.004-04:00

Let’s be honest, stereotypes exist for a reason. Why are we so afraid of stereotypes? The obvious answer is because we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But if a book about cars has a bunch of pictures of cars on the cover, isn’t it safe to assume the book is about cars? And if 99% of the books about cars have covers with pictures of cars, isn’t there a pretty good chance the next book you pick up with cars on the cover will be about just that? Stereotypes don’t come out of nowhere—they’re formed because of obvious patterns and trends. To exclude stereotypes would be to leave out a large part of understanding people and you’d end up doing yourself a disservice to your own realizations.

Most stereotypes aren’t even insulting. But we’ve become so politically correct that we’re afraid to say anything to generalize people different from us. White people can’t dance. Big deal. Black people are loud. So what. Asians are book smart. Ok…? Go to a social gathering where there is dancing and watch the white guys. They are goofy and they can’t even help it. Dance lessons would not teach these guys how to move, they just have no rhythm. Go to the movie theatre the next time Tyler Perry comes out with a comedy. Black people are loud…they just are! Go to the best schools in America and look at who is getting the highest grades—it’s the Asians. The language structure of the far eastern countries actually predisposes children to be able to think more quickly than their English speaking counterparts, but that’s another discussion. Asians are smarter by the book than most other ethnicities. So have I offended anyone yet? Italians eat a lot, Irish drink, southerners move slowly, northeasterners are pushy, the Bible Belt is conservative, Hollywood is liberal. We know all this already! And we wouldn’t all know unless it was all true. So what’s the big deal?

Then there are the stereotypes that people don’t want to touch, such as the association of Muslims with terrorism. Some people are still uncomfortable sitting next to a Middle-Eastern person in an airport. Federal agencies would likely admit that Middle-Easterners are screened a little more heavily at airports, and people in traditional Muslim garb even more so. So how did we get here? It’s not like overnight we were given a reason to suspect Muslims of terrorism. Oh wait, that’s EXACTLY what happened. So a group of Muslims hijacked some planes, crashed them into buildings, attempted to crash into the White House, caused the greatest act of terrorism on American soil, continue to call for the deaths of Americans, and we’re supposed to just let all that go by the wayside? Then some jerk puts a bomb in his shoes so now we all have to walk through the airport in our freaking socks?!

Ok, let’s take a step back. I put my garbage outside by the curb every Thursday night and on Friday morning before I go to work, I see the garbage tipped over and holes in the bag. I get suspicious. Who would do that? So I stayed up one Thursday night to watch, and what do you know, there’s a group of raccoons ravaging my trash. So I went out there and I said to the biggest one, “Hey raccoon, is that you that’s been knocking my garbage over and eating my trash?” And he looked back at me and said, “Yeah we’re responsible for that, and guess what? We ain’t stopping either!” So the next time I see a raccoon hanging outside my curb, don’t you think I have a right be to a little suspicious of what that little sumumma bitch is going to do?

So how is this different? Maybe if a majority of terrorist attacks weren’t committed by Muslims and if they didn’t continue to openly preach violence against us we wouldn’t have a reason to associate them with terrorism. But they are, so we will. Are all Muslims terrorists? Of course not. Have we earned the right to be suspicious? Of course we have. Some events change the world forever. September 11th was one of them, and there’s no going back to the old world.

I’m not saying we need to start judging each other on first glance, but we shouldn’t be afraid of stereotypes. They’ve been formed over years of distinct patterns, so they’re not going away, either. If we understand where we’re all coming from, it will give us greater insight into understanding each other…and a little understanding never hurt anybody.

The Easiest Way

2009-04-07T09:16:00.003-04:00

Let’s be honest, some things that seem difficult to do are actually pretty easy. Formulas for success exist in every job or walk of life, so you can obtain even the highest of aspirations if you just stick to the script. So follow these rules and you can give yourself a leg up on hitting the jackpot.

The easiest way to…

Win a Grammy- If you’re old, release anything. Otherwise, explain the victories of Ray Charles, Herbie Hancock, and Robert Plant in the last 5 years. Paul Simon—if you’re out there, go record your cat playing the guitar or something.

Win a Grammy, Pt II- Do drugs. And be controversial. How else would Amy Winehouse have won Record and Song of the Year last year? Seriously, that was the best song recorded from 2007 through 2008? Perhaps the committee just appreciates her artistic ability. BS. She won because it’d be news-worthy. By crowning her, the committee makes everything she does and is about okay. She is an irresponsible racist crack addict who is praised for saying “No, no, no” to rehab. Wonderful.

Make a hit song- Sing about the weather or a season. Sheryl Crow scored an easy one with her song “Soak Up the Sun,” and every Memorial Day Weekend the checks start rolling in. The same can be said with the assortment of Christmas songs by irrelevant pop-stars.

Win an Oscar- Play a homosexual. Case in point—Charlize Theron in Monster and more noticeably, Jake Gylenhnall/Heath Ledger (nominated) in Brokeback Mountain and Sean Penn in Milk. Penn was 110% correct when he called the audience (indirectly inferring to all of Hollywood) a "bunch of homo-loving commie bastards" in one of those “funny because it’s completely true” kind of moments. Mickey Rourke was the odds-on favorite to win Best Actor, but in retrospect, did a guy playing a professional wrestler even stand a chance against a homosexual murdered gay-rights activist? Penn might as well have played Marley in Marley and Me.

Run a company into the ground- Fire the people that do the most work and make the least amount of money. And create lots of layers—you can never have too many Vice Presidents. I don’t know any companies like this, I’m just saying.

Talk down to people- Join Congress. They’re all real tough guys when they grill AIG executives, but it’s easy to impose bailouts on American taxpayers when you don’t even pay your own taxes! Not to mention, let’s just overlook the AIG political contributions that were left in the bailout package. Talk about an elephant in the room, and I don’t mean Rosie O’Donnell. Speaking of which…

Kill your career- Tangle with Donald Trump. Sorry, I just had to find a way to fit in the Donald’s thrashing of Rosie O’Donnell a few years back. “I think she’s very attracted to Miss USA so she probably wanted to put the crown on her head herself”… “She is a very, very unattractive woman who really is a bully”… “I never went bankrupt…but I’ll sue her because it would be fun”.

See, people do great things every day that aren’t even that hard to do! All it takes is a good gameplan and some stick-to-it-iveness.

Sing It Loud, Sing It Proud

2009-03-27T08:55:00.008-04:00

Let’s be honest, American sports fans need to incorporate singing into live sporting events. I don’t know many people that would dispute the energy level of a regular season English Premiership match and anyone who has attended could vouch for it. At what point do we evolve from the chants of “DE-FENSE!” or “We Are…B C!” (or whatever your school initials are)? Many sporting events have become so routine that fans only chant when the Jumbotron tells them to do so. Let’s expands our horizons, get creative, and incorporate some songs into our sporting experience.

Are we above singing? Is it not manly enough? I think a lot of fans would simply be embarrassed to admit they sing. On first glance it does sound soft and American tough guys likely pride themselves on being differentiated from limey English bahstuds. I’m telling you, though, we are missing out. This is one bandwagon we need to jump on.

The best crowds in sports are at the collegiate level, most notably football and basketball. The passion of college football crowds is second to none because the game provides a sense of youthfulness. The players are kids, after all, and they play for the pride of the school or state. College basketball crowds are more entertaining because the indoor environment allows for more intrusive student sections. The environment is also more conducive to funny/insulting chants because of the proximity of the students to the court and the acoustics of indoor arenas.

If we look east across the Atlantic, we can get some pointers on how to create wildly entertaining songs. Quite a few are inappropriate—perhaps another reason we shy away—but you’d be hard-pressed to tell me you wouldn’t want to taunt your rival team and players like they do over in England. Wayne Rooney, arguably England’s most talented homegrown footballer, catches a lot of grief for being on the pudgy side and for being a scouser (someone from the Liverpool area—their ancestors were known for petty crime and violence). Examples of songs from Rooney’s rival fans:

He’s fat, he’s scouse, he’ll steal your f*cking house, Wayne Rooney!

He’s fat, he’s red, he’ll take your man to bed, Wayne Rooney!

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
Things wise and wonderful
Wayne Rooney ate them all!

A chant from rival fans of Arsneal, a London-based football club:
Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?
Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?
Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?
Half of f*cking Europe!

Manchester United fans actually sing this to their own player, Park Ji-Sung:
Park, Park, wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
Could be worse, could be scouse
Eating rats in council house!

To an Irish coach of an opposing team:
One Pat Dolan sitting on the wall
One Pat Dolan sitting on the wall
And if one Pat Dolan should accidentally fall
There’d be no more Dublin, Cork, or Donegal!

And my favorite, to any Manchester-based team (to the theme song of The Addams Family):
Your mother is your sister
Your father is your brother
You like to shag each other
The Scouser Family!

The chants from the student sections at college basketball games are the closest we get in America to chants like the ones listed above. Duke fans hardly leave a stone unturned when digging for dirt on opposing players, and very few topics are off-limits. Unfortunately, when fans start to get really creative and funny, it’s all over SportsCenter and nitwits like Skip Bayless and Michael Wilbon lecture us on the appropriateness of cheering for your team. I find it hard to believe the same country that is so over-sexed, foul-mouthed, and numb to violence is offended when a couple college kids try to get inside a player’s head by razzing him about his mother or girlfriend. But the songs we incorporate don’t have to be vile or foul-mouthed, they can be clean and still fun (to Liverpool’s Peter Crouch who stands 6’9”: He’s big, he’s red, his feet hang off the bed, Peter Crouch!) or even in admiration (to boxer Ricky Hatton, in the tune of “Winter Wonderland”: There’s only one Ricky Hatton, onnnnne Ricky Hatton, walkin along, singin his song, walkin in a Hatton wonderland).

How hard could it be to come up with some songs? Just think of a popular player, a well-known melody, and pick a side. Twenty-thousand people singing a song together brings great camaraderie to the fans and adds another level of team pride. I think the live experience at sports games today is lacking something, and the addition of songs is just what we need to bring the experience to the next level. Let’s put our thinking caps on and get some songs incorporated before I have to hear one more boring old “Let’s Go Eagles” chant.

Seeking Amy

2009-03-23T13:06:00.006-04:00

Let’s be honest, pop music has become extremely over-sexed. It goes widely unnoticed and unpunished, as if we’re immune to it or even welcoming it. We all know that sex sells, but where do we draw the line?

As a fan of hip-hop, I am all too familiar with public figures lambasting some of my favorite artists for the usage of profanity and sexual exploitation of women. So I’m not surprised that the sexual overtones of this most explicit song on the radio today comes from a hip-hop artist. Flo Rida’s “Right Round” is a take on the 80’s song “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”. Unless I’m as much of the problem as anyone else that I interpret everything for it sex-value, the chorus seems to be pretty clear:

You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down

You can get away with saying that on the radio? I’m not a parent, a preacher, or a moral thermometer, but I feel slightly uncomfortable when this song comes on the radio. It is catchy, though...

Listening to a Top-40 station, the next song you might encounter is Britney Spears’ “If You Seek Amy,” which if pronounced phonetically implores the listener to forcefully have sex with her. First off, I would like to go on the record in stating that whoever wrote this is absolutely brilliant. The fact that the author could take a sexual phrase and disguise it as a meaningless one blows my uncreative mind. It took me about 2 weeks to get over this when I learned the true meaning of the song. Once you realize the meaning, you discover it’s actually quite raunchy. Check out the chorus, which is more cleverly stated than the Flo Rida song but bears similar intent:

Love me, hate me, say what you want about me
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy

Oh yes, not just the boys—all of the boys and all of the girls. The radio folks have not been as clever, revising the name of the song and subsequently the chorus to “If You See Amy.” So now the song just makes no sense.

There’s a commonly-used phrase in sports that goes, “When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.” The way today’s pop artists sing or rap about it, you’d think sex was something only afforded to the wealthy or wildly popular. It’s just become overkill. You would also think that the people who innovate in music and creatively push the envelope would be the successful ones. Instead, we equate success with pushing the sexual envelope. Artists and radio stations are like teenagers trying to see how far they can go before their parents (the FCC) come down on them. It’s sad that the same sound and the same message have almost become an arbitrage situation for artists and radio execs alike. Another song about sex, huh? Shocker. Unfortunately, it will remain that way until we decide we’re tired of hearing it. And since sex appeals to one of our most basic needs, we’re unlikely to ever become tired of it. I'll admit, the beats are damn good, too, so it makes it even harder to keep these songs off the radio and out of the clubs. I can't even say I dislike the Britney song because it's so catchy, so I'm just feeding into the problem!

How far is too far? Girl-on-girl? Nope (see Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”). Sexual degradation? Nope (see Soulja Boy’s “Crank Dat”). Rape? I think felonies are a good place to draw the line, but who even knows anymore. Until we find out, I’ll continue to be surprisingly unsurprised.

My St Patty's Day Limerick

2009-03-17T09:20:00.000-04:00

Let’s be honest, St Patrick’s Day is the best day of the entire year. In commemoration of the big day, I’ve decided to try my hand at writing a limerick. I am by no means a poet so I can imagine that aesthetically it leaves a bit to be desired. And I’m a sucker for puns and bad wordplay, so you’ll have to deal with that. But what the hell, check it out.

St Patty’s Day’s upon us again
Sometimes I wonder how long it has been
Since amateurs lied
‘Bout being Irish and tried
To drink like the Irishmen can

They say that we’re in a recession
The news sure won’t let you forget it
But a glass with no beer
Deserves a few tears
For that is the Greatest Depression

The market’s been up in the last week
We all owe O'bama for this feat
But I need new doors
And new tile floors
Maybe he’ll earmark them for me

Slumdog cleaned up at the Oscars
Lil’ Wayne’s trying to be a rocker
And Idol’s new judge
Makes Paula so ug’
That even Ron Jeremy wouldn’t rock her

ARod admitted that he was on juice
A lot of fans considered it old news
But if New Yorkers thought he stayed clean
After two thousand and three
Then I have some Citi stock to sell you’s

We’re all trusting the big government brass
That success of the bailout will come to pass
But if Jamie Kennedy can do it
To pull Jennifer Love Hewitt
Then the sun even shines on a dog’s ass

Happy St Patty’s Day, lads!

Tuesdays with Simon

2009-03-09T09:55:00.004-04:00

Let’s be honest, American Idol has been wrong more often than it’s been right. Yes, I watch Idol…I wish it was the softest thing I watched; unfortunately it’s not. If I’m keeping track correctly, there have been 3 hits and 4 misses. I guess it goes to show that it’s a television show first, singing competition second.

In my opinion, the Idol winners that can be considered the “hits” are Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordin Sparks. The misses—Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Taylor Hicks, and David Cook. The hits are hard to deny—Kelly Clarkson won a Grammy for Best New Artist, Carrie has won multiple Grammys and taken home Best Artist at the Country Music Awards, and Jordin Sparks…well, I think she won a Kids Choice award or something. But she makes hits, just look at the radio spins. It’s interesting to look at who each of those three beat out in the finals, too. Kelly defeated Sideshow Bob (Justin Guarini), Carrie bested Bo Bice and the Bice Squad, and Jordin took down Blake, the human beatbox. How in God’s name did Sideshow Bob, Bice Squad, and Beatbox make it to the finals? In what world could they have been successful? At least Bo Bice has made a career out of selling car insurance for GEICO.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Rubes from Season 2. He has a great voice and would be a successful Gospel artist. Plus I would vote for Rosie O’Donnell in a swimsuit competition before I voted for Clay Aiken to win anything. Side note—was anyone else creeped out in the Season 2 finale when Clay stared at Rubes in the same way Rubes would stare at a Big Mac? Unfortunately, R&B singers today have to have a little more sex-appeal (think Ne-Yo, Usher, Chris Brown before he became Ike Turner). Tough break for Rubes.

Fantasia has been successful—about as successful as Ryan Leaf compared to Peyton Manning. Jennifer Hudson took home 6th place that season, and all she did was win a Grammy and an Oscar. No big deal. Fantasia’s biggest song is “B-A! B-Y! M-O! M-A! This one goes out to my baby mommas.” That wasn’t a joke by the way, that’s true. I’m sure that’s what Simon Cowell had in mind for his Idol-winning protégé. She’s been successful on Broadway. Yeah, so? Don’t they eliminate people because they sound like they should be on Broadway?

Taylor Hicks has been the greatest failure of them all, which wouldn’t be so apparent if Daughtry, Katharine McPhee, and Eliot Yamin weren’t all making hits. William Hung has sold more records than Taylor Hicks. Can someone make him an aluminum foil record to hang on his wall for that achievement? At least he has the Soul Patrol to console him. Another side note—did anyone hear when Simon compared a contestant this year to Taylor Hicks, and the crowd boo’d? Nice work, dude.

I almost feel bad for David Cook because he looks like he’s in excruciating pain when he sings. Is that intentional? Plus I still haven’t been able to differentiate his voice from the loser lead singer of Nickelback. Did I say loser? I meant, "extremely successful." I also fear the day David Cook is cornered by an angry mob of broken-hearted 12-year old girls who voted for David Archuleta. That’s not going to be pretty. And oh yeah, Archuleta’s “Crush” has sold roughly 1.5M records and become the most successful song from a Season 7 contestant. Scoreboard, baby.

It begs the question, how could we be so wrong, so often? I owe it to three factors:
1) We’re idiots. Look how many people audition for the show under the impression that they have a great voice. If all those people, as a nation, represent our collective opinion of singing talent, it’s no WONDER such horrible contestants make it so far.
2) The producers obviously keep contestants who are polarizing and draw ratings. Case in point, Season 8’s Tatiana. If any of you 5 people that read my blog actually like Tatiana, please let me know. I would like to find one person.
3) Those “Vote for the Worst” sites have to have some kind of impact. I think it’s funny that people go out of their way to taint the voting process out of spite for a show. They won’t cause anyone to win the show outright, but it makes the early round elimination process interesting.

We’re already off to a blazing start this season as the Top 13 contestants appear to be the show’s weakest to date. I know who I like and I clearly know who I dislike, but what do I know? I'm way too rational.

Fierce Against Cancer

2009-03-02T11:21:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, a lot of you don’t agree with everything I say or write. But we can all agree on how much cancer absolutely sucks. I normally wouldn’t pimp my blog out and use it as a vehicle for promoting things, but this an issue I think we’re all affected by. For the second year, I will be participating in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life, and I’m trying to raise some money. I know money is tough for everyone right now, which is why I only ask for $5 per person (cheaper than eating out for lunch one day). My goal is to raise a paltry $100, so I figure if I get enough people to donate $5 it’s an easy way to get there. I know it’s not much, but every bit helps. Feel free to donate more than $5 because like I said, I think we all agree this is a worthy cause. But please do not feel obligated.

If you would like to help me out by donating, follow the instructions on this page:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09FL?px=4867883&pg=personal&fr_id=13410&fl=en_US&s_tafId=250601

If you’d like to read more about the American Cancer Society Relay For Life, you can go here:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09FL?sid=35436&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=13410

Thank you in advance if you choose to donate, and thank you for reading! I’ll be back next week with a new blog.

The Curious Case of David M.

2009-02-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, no one you have ever met is as weird as my Freshman year college roommate. This is not debatable. For anyone about to head to college, this is the ultimate nightmare. For anyone who’s been through college, you probably know someone similar. By the end, I’m not sure who you’ll feel worse for—Dave, or me.

I received a letter in the mail in the summer of 2000 informing me I was to reside in Kostka Hall, a dorm on BC’s upper campus. The letter also included contact information for my future roommate—Dave. I called Dave a few days later and it didn’t go as well as planned. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a big phone-talker, but Dave made me look like Joan Rivers. I learned 4 things on this first phone call: he’s from Boca Raton, loves Metallica, hates sports, and talks like Butthead.

Dave was weird about his video games. He would sit on his bed playing Gameboy for hours on end because The Legend of Zelda had the most intricate storyline of any game he’d played. Dave was weird about his music. He was an extremely talented guitar player but he would rage on you if you came within 5 feet of his instrument. He also almost killed me when I told him the bassist for Metallica had left the band. Dave was weird about social interaction—he even ignored me if I saw him on campus. And he walked on sidewalk edges like balance beams. You might be thinking, “ok, he’s a little quirky, but not that bad.” Right?

Dave was weird about his personal hygiene. I noticed early on that he didn’t shower everyday. Then it turned into once every couple days. After that, once a week. One night in November, Dave attended a MegaDeath concert and returned to the dorm around 10pm. He went to take a shower and didn’t return for another three-and-a half hours. Little did I know, this would be the last time I would see Dave shower for the rest of the school year. Since I noticed that he didn’t shower again until Christmas break, I decided to start a counter when I got back of how many days he could go without showering. As disgusting as he was, Dave became my own personal Truman Show. I rooted for him not to shower in the hopes that he would get to 100 consecutive days. He eventually did—though it was quite anti-climactic. People ask me, “How do you know for sure that he didn’t shower?” Trust me, it was practically written all over him in dirt follicles.

Not showering was a byproduct of what I (and many others) believe was Dave’s underlying problem—he must have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You might think, “How could he have OCD and not shower?” I think the communal showers grossed him out so much that he couldn’t bring himself to use them. But as a result, he refused to touch anything. He wouldn’t touch the TV remote because I touched it, so he watched TV by standing in front of it, leaning against the dresser on which the TV was placed, and using his elbow or an empty Coke bottle to change the channel. He wouldn’t touch the keypad lock on our door either, so once again he’d used his elbow, a guitar pick, or a coin (which never made sense to me since money is one of the most germ infested things out there). Because I’m evil, when I saw him coming down the hall I would close the door and then watch through the peep hole as he toiled over how to get it open.

For one reason or another, Dave liked to be naked. Not stark—but down to his boxers, socks, and sandals. He also loved Dominos. So imagine your roommate eating a whole Dominos pizza and downing two 20 oz. bottles of Coke while standing next to the TV in nothing but his boxers and socks. And then belching. When he got toward the end of a piece, he’d lift it above his head and dangle it down into his mouth so as to not eat the piece that his own hand touched.

Dave also didn’t vary his clothing too much. He once wore the same clothes for 13 days straight, including the same boxers (just shy of 2 weeks—another milestone I was hoping he would reach). The featured ensemble, as if I could forget, was an old gray/blue tee shirt and a pair of black wind pants. And of course he would promptly disrobe upon returning. Obviously. Unfortunately, I didn’t even get to witness one of my all-time favorite Dave stories, but here’s my friend, Ryan, to give the play-by-play:

“At that point, we had already established how weird he was; he would walk past us on campus and not even acknowledge that he knew us. Plus, he had stopped showering months ago and smelled awful. Anyway, the winter of our Freshman year was the coldest winter that I had ever experienced at that point of my life—it was absolutely FREEZING outside. Dave and I had a Theology class together and the class had about 40 people in it. Even though it was December, we were still Freshmen and weren’t even close to being comfortable with everyone at this point. I definitely wasn’t comfortable with everyone knowing that I knew this weird kid in our class, but like I said, Dave didn’t even acknowledge any of us on campus, so it wasn’t really a problem. Anyway, class started and no sign of Dave. About 10 minutes into class, the door opens and in comes Dave, wearing only flip flops, shorts and a leather jacket…no shirt underneath. So his bare stomach and chest are in plain view and completely red from the cold. He had this scraggly beard and looked and smelled homeless. The class completely stopped and Dave just stood in the doorway, shivering, and all he could say muster the energy to say was “Boy, its COLD out.” The whole class was so shocked that you couldn’t even laugh. Plus, you could literally smell him the minute he opened the classroom door. I’m just sitting at my desk with my head down, trying to avoid contact with this homeless looking freak. So Dave finally realizes that the class has stopped and is waiting for him to sit down. He slowly walks in, walks down my aisle, stops at my desk, and goes, “Hey Ryan….pretty cold out huh?”, and then sits down in the back of the classroom."

One of my other favorite Dave stories happened in mid-February, and some of you who don’t like sports may give him a pass for this one. Keep in mind that college football ends in December, though our last home football game was in November. I had put on my BC shirt to go watch our basketball team play a 1PM game, and Dave was just waking up. He sees me in the yellow shirt and says, “Is there a football game today or something?” Mid-February. Yup.

Our room smelled literally like a dumpster by the end of the year, and I’m surprised anyone ever came to visit me. I toughed it out for a whole year, despite considering on a weekly basis if I could take it anymore. Had I not had the experience with Dave, though, I wouldn’t have stories to tell, and I wouldn’t have met other friends who I met simply because I had to get away from the guy. But I would defy you to find a weirder person than Dave and if so, I would love to hear the stories. On second thought, I think I’ve endured enough.

Taking the First

2009-02-16T17:35:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, people overuse the benefits of the First Amendment. Everyone talks about hiding behind the Fifth Amendment, but what about the opposite? People abuse the First Amendment because they think it gives them carte blanche to say whatever they want. But to quote Walter Sobcheck, “This is not ‘Nam, Smokey, there are rules.” There are rules that need to be followed; and when there aren’t rules, there are codes that should be followed.

State lawmakers are proposing a bill that would protect students from being punished for what they say on personal blogs. The case subject is a 16-year old high school student who posted on her blog that her teachers were “douche-bags.” The school disciplined her by prohibiting her to run for student government. Now the lawmakers want to take this case all the way up to the Supreme Court because they believe the student’s First Amendment rights were violated. If you read my blog from a few weeks back, I talked about how the internet is public domain, not private. So if the internet is public domain, what is the difference between what the student did and if she were to go into the school hallway and scream it? Not every student or teacher in school would have heard her scream, but you better believe they would have heard about it. Similarly, maybe not every student or teacher read the blog, but it got around and they heard about it. So what’s the difference? If the student were to yell disparaging remarks in the hallway about her teachers, she would be disciplined. Likewise, she should be disciplined for this. If she is out of school for summer or if she graduates, she can say whatever she pleases. But if she is enrolled in the school and those teachers have authority over her, then she should be punished. That’s why we have rules—to keep some semblance of order. It’s also a respect issue. Would she say those things to the teachers’ faces? Not likely, hence the blog. We have to be able to discipline kids—they don’t make the rules. That they don’t know any better is what makes them kids. When they get old enough they can make their own rules, but until then they need to follow the ones in place.

Joe Torre is exercising his First Amendment right by telling all in his new book, The Yankee Years. Joe can write whatever he wants; that’s his right. But just because it’s a right, doesn’t mean that it is right. Once again, this is a respect issue more than a First Amendment issue. Players and managers alike respect the so-called “sanctity of the clubhouse.” It’s not everyone’s business to know what happens behind those closed doors. How are the players supposed to be themselves if anything they say or do is going to be public knowledge? If that’s the case, can you blame a guy like ARod for putting on a front? Torre says that nothing in his book is new information. Really? So why put out the book? Joe must be either spiteful or greedy. Or both. Books of this nature can be highly entertaining—look at Sparky Lyle’s Bronx Zoo, a book about the players on the 1978 Yankees team. Sparky was shunned by players on future teams he played on because they were afraid of being written about in the sequel. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Torre’s current players feel the same way. Granted, Los Angeles isn’t quite the mess that is New York, and the baseball spotlight shines much more heavily in the Bronx, but the principal remains the same. Joe violated the code. But that’s why the unwritten code is in place—to protect the people who abide by it.

I don’t understand why we have such a hard time following the rules anymore. It seems like people, in one form or another, feel that the rules don’t apply them; that they’re above the law. It’s unfortunate that people hide behind the First Amendment and almost use it as a vehicle to circumvent the rules. Every American has the same rights, though clearly not everyone has the same ethics.

Growing Pains

2009-02-06T16:31:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, Michael Phelps just wants to rock out. Just like any other 23-year old guy, he wants to party. First he gets the underage DUI back in 2004, now he gets caught smoking marijuana. In between he’s been hanging out at the Hard Rock pool in Vegas, doing cameos at MTV awards shows, and chumming it up with celebrities of all sorts. Now he’s talking about not swimming in the 2012 Olympics. Unfortunately for Michael, it’s not up to him.

Michael Phelps erupted on the big stage in the 2004 Olympics in Athens, winning 6 gold medals and capturing the nation’s attention. As soon as the 2008 Beijing Olympics came into view, we immediately turned our attention to Phelps again, setting the bar incredibly high for him, daring him to break Mark Spitz’s gold medal record. And everyone knew in the back of their minds that he had a pretty good chance of doing so. Michael lived up to, and surpassed, all the hype we created, putting on an absolute show. I remember jumping up and down watching him win some of the most thrilling races I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I’m alone in this either. He was instantly the nation’s hero. The new Golden Boy.

We forgave him after the DUI incident five years ago. He was a dumb kid with a lot of money, doing stuff that dumb kids with a lot of money do. This time, people haven’t been as forgiving. Rightly so. If you are the most decorated athlete in Olympic history and the hero of an entire nation, you can’t get caught smoking weed at a party. Can’t do it. CAN. NOT. DO IT. It’s unacceptable behavior. Use your brain, Michael.

Not every luxury is afforded to everyone. People given the most talent or given the most responsibility are held to a higher standard. Not only are they held to a higher standard, they are made more accessible to people like you and me via the good ole paparazzi. If you are famous, you can’t go around doing whatever you want or saying whatever you want—you forfeited that right when you made the decision to embrace celebrity status. Barack Obama had to give up his blackberry when he got elected. Why? Because the President of the United States is not like you and me. He can’t be LOL’ing and Cya l8r’ing during meetings. Paris Hilton can’t go to Starbucks on Main St, Lebron James can’t get his haircut at Joe’s Barber Shop in Cleveland, and Michael Phelps can’t go to parties with a bunch of random people he doesn’t know. If you are a celebrity, people are out to get you. Reporters want sound bytes, fans want autographs and pictures, and most of all, the general public wants to see you screw up. It sounds cynical, but we do. We want you to screw up because we screw up and that makes you more like us. How often have you told or heard stories where someone has met a celebrity and then they tell you, “Yeah I met him, he’s a real jerk.” Or, “I saw so-and-so at a club, and he was all over some girl.” You’ve probably heard that story at least twice as much as the “I met him and he’s such a nice guy!” story. People want the juice; we don’t want to hear how likeable celebrities are. That makes us hate them even more! It’s just the way it is.

For Phelps it’s a double-whammy because he’s an athlete AND a celebrity. We’ve already addressed why he can’t partake in this type of nonsense from the celebrity side of things. From the athletic side, some people are blessed with talents that 99% of us could not match if we worked every single day of our lives. At that point, it should be pretty clear what you are here on this earth for. Michael Phelps was put on this earth to swim. He was put here to bring joy to millions of people through entertainment and to bring a nation together that can’t agree on anything anymore. When was the last time 2 American’s agreed on anything? “The sky is blue” isn’t even inarguable anymore because some nut will tell you the sky is grey from all the pollution and damage to the environment. For two weeks, we all agreed Michael Phelps represented us on the world stage…and it felt good. Well guess what, Michael? You’re not getting off that easy! You’re not quitting swimming and pulling out of the 2012 Olympics. It’s not up to you. It’s up to us. You need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture—your accomplishments aren’t about you. They’re not for you. They’re for all of us. You’ll have the rest of your life to rock out, trust me. The booze will be there. The women will be there. But as long as you are the best swimmer in the world, you will damn well swim. And you’ll like it!

Phelps needs cut this immature crap out. The only reason talk of not competing in 2012 comes up is because he wants to party and live the life that he sees other 23 year-olds living. If only he realized how good he has it.

Mount Rapmore

2009-02-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, if hip hop had a Mount Rushmore, it would include busts of Run DMC, Nas, Jay-Z, and Dr Dre. Bill Simmons (ESPN.com’s Sports Guy) attempted to tackle this in a column, but I think he approached it the wrong way. Each of his choices (Dr Dre, Tupac, Russell Simmons, and Rakim) were based on an individual’s merit over the course of a career. The busts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt were chosen for specific reasons, and I believe each of my choices identifies more clearly with an individual president (By the way, I'm reneging on my initial promise of short and mindless blog entires--this one is a bit lengthy. It's more the exception than the norm though).

George Washington was chosen to be a part of Mount Rushmore because he is widely considered the father of our great nation. I don’t think there is any debate that Run DMC is considered the “father” of hip hop as it exists today. Much has been said/written about the impact of Run DMC on hip hop today, so I don’t need to reproduce all of it because I don’t think anyone would question this. If you want to learn more about Run DMC, there’s a really cool website online called Google. Check it out.

Thomas Jefferson was chosen because he penned the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and because of his belief in democracy. This boils down to a tough decision between Nas and Tupac, but ultimately of the two, I think Nas is more likely to be considered hip hop’s greatest “scribe.” He is the preemptive story-teller in hip hop, spinning yarn for 15+ years dating back to his first studio album, Illmatic (in my opinion the greatest album ever made). I also think he is the most creative lyricist, using wordplay better than anyone not named Biggie Smalls (from “One Time 4 Your Mind: I try to stay mellow, rock, well acapella rhymes'll/ make me richer than a slipper made Cinderella fella/ Go get your crew, Hobbes, I'm prepared to bomb troops/ Got n*ggaz who's born, I shot my way out my Mom Dukes). Though his sophomore album, It Was Written, followed in the footsteps of his debut, Nas is certainly not without fault. He quickly dropped off in lyrical quality on several ensuing albums, giving in to the lure of commercialism (see: "Hate Me Now" with Diddy and "You Owe Me" with Genuine). Only one album (Nastradamus), though, doesn’t feature a song showcasing his superb lyrical ability. He’s written a song where he takes on the form of a handgun making its way through his neighborhood (“I Gave You Power”), one that brilliantly tells the story of a hit from end to beginning (“Rewind”), and told numerous stories of life in Queens (almost all of Illmatic, “N.Y. State of Mind Part II”, “2nd Childhood”). He's rapped countless songs on social commentary (“One Mic”, “Message to the Feds”, “Be A N***** Too”), battled arguably the best rapper ever in Jay-Z and won (“Ether”), taken shots directly (at Cormega in “Destroy and Rebuild”) and subliminally (at 50 Cent in “Queens Get the Money”), and chronicled the history of the game, its demise, and his plan to avenge its death (“Hip Hop Is Dead”). He was part of two supergroups (The Firm and Group Therapy), invented some of hip hops most copied lines ("From the womb to the tomb" and "I'm out for presidents to represent me"), and everything in between. Tupac may be one of hip hop’s most socially conscious artists, and his love for poetry is heavily laced throughout his work, but I believe you can trace the state of hip hop through Nas’ career. From the street-based rhymes to commercialization to rehabbing and reinventing, Nas has been there every step of the way. I also think, and there is nothing that can be done about this, that there is something to be said about success over a long career. To no fault of his own (or maybe fault of his own), Tupac’s career as a rapper only lasted four years (1992-1996). In the end, I prefer Nas’ body of work over a span of nearly two decades. Footnote: I'd also love to give this bust to The Notorious B.I.G. but opt against it for the same reason that holds for Tupac--too short of a career. Biggie was the voice of the streets--a young kid who started rapping only to escape a life of selling drugs. "Ready to Die" was entirely about just that, and as I said earlier, Big was a master of wordplay. His demo tapes actually display great lyrical creativity but his first studio album gave him the focus he needed to get to the next level. In every argument, Biggie surfaces as a top-5 emcee, and I don't disagree. Who knows where his career would have taken him?

Abraham Lincoln was selected for Mount Rushmore because he is credited with the abolition of slavery—a turning point in our country’s history. If one artist can be credited with changing hip hop at a single moment, it has to be Jay-Z. Jay-Z changed the game in the mid-to-late 90’s when he flipped the script and made it all about money, jewelry, and flashy cars. This necessarily was not a good turning point for hip hop, but can you imagine hip hop music today without someone yapping about how much money he has? The unfortunate part is that Jay-Z is, in my opinion, is the greatest rapper that ever lived, but he’s almost single-handedly responsible for a lot of the garbage that’s out there today. Up until Jay-Z, hip hop could be divided into styles identifiable by region—the east coast had a slower, grittier sound where lyrics reigned supreme (Nas, Rakim, Wu Tang Clan, A Tribe Called Quest (not as slow or gritty but as good lyrically as any)), the west coast was defined by gangster rap and it’s extreme vulgarity and exploitation of women (N.W.A., Tupac, Snoop Dogg), and the south featured a funky sound focused on cruising in candy-painted cars or smoking copious amounts of marijuana (Outkast, UGK). Now, unless they shouted it out in songs, would you ever be able to tell where rappers are from? Every rapper has the most money, the most bling, and the best cars. You would be hard-pressed to list 5 mainstream rappers who don’t rap about at least one of those. So because of the way he transformed the game, for better or worse, I’m giving the third bust to Jay-Z. Footnote: Runner-up for the Lincoln bust is Kanye West. Kanye has also single-handedly changed hip hop through the reintroduction of the soul sound and his willingness to do things no one else would even try. He is probably the most musically gifted artist in hip hop and his ability to crossover to mainstream is unparalleled. But because of others' hesitation to follow his lead and until we can say that he has pointed hip hop in a different direction like Jay-Z did by making it about money, he has to finish second here.

Theodore Roosevelt is part of Mount Rushmore because of how the United States expanded its global presence during his administration. If there’s anyone who I think is responsible for hip hop’s expansion to mainstream, it’s Dr Dre. The Chronic in 1992 brought gangster rap to the suburbs (admittedly, it was the first CD I ever purchased) with funky beats and a fresh sound. “F*ckin’ Wit Dre Day” likely introduced the ‘burbs to “beef” as Dre and Snoop Dogg tore apart former N.W.A. cohort Eazy E. “Gin and Juice,” “Let Me Ride,” and “Nuthin But a G Thang” were just fun songs to listen to, putting the west coast funk sound on display with lyrics about drinking, smoking, and cruising in ’64 Impalas. Beyond The Chronic, Dr Dre is responsible for putting several other big names on the map. The aforementioned Snoop Dogg owes Dre for his break, as does Eminem—one of the most successful and lyrically gifted rappers ever, let alone the most successful white rapper ever. Eminem made it cool for white kids to like rap—and I mean good rap. Take your Beastie Boys argument elsewhere. But Eminem may have never gotten his shot were it not for Dr Dre. And oh yeah, ever heard of that guy 50 Cent? 50’s debut multi-platinum album Get Rich or Die Tryin' was executively produced by Dre. Now as a producer, Dre is respected as one of the most in-demand beat makers in the game, making hits for rappers (Jay-Z, Nas, 50, etc), R&B artists (Mary J Blige, Eve), and even other producers (Timbaland). His influence is felt across the entire industry as a rapper, producer, and mentor for new artists. Few can say they’ve left a fingerprint on hip hop, but Dr Dre is one whose legacy is undeniable. Footnote: It might be a stretch, but you could actually consider Dame Dash for this bust. After all, Dash was the original business mind behind Jay-Z's success and the first to give Kanye a shot at producing for a major label. Without Dash, we may have never known about Jay or Kanye, and that has to count for something, right?

This is entirely up for debate, and if you’ve made it through the entire posting I’d be curious to hear if you agree or disagree. Let’s go in.

OMG, Facebook Me!

2009-01-22T15:51:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, your future employer should be allowed to view your Facebook or MySpace page. These are public domains after all, so if you’re embarrassed or ashamed of something, it shouldn’t be there in the first place. Companies have a right to know about the people they are going to invest in, so it seems to me like a necessary part of due diligence.

I don’t even quite understand why people think Facebook and MySpace are private. Especially since Facebook is now open to any user. There are very few things about the internet that can be deemed “private,” I mean it’s not called the World Wide Web for nothing. The goal of the internet is to make information more accessible, and certain sites like Facebook and MySpace have increased that accessibility exponentially. I don’t think people realize how small Facebook is, either. In order to access someone’s profile (by the default settings) you only have to belong to their geographical network. How hard is it to change your hometown to access someone’s network and therefore someone’s information? The answer is “not very.” Unfortunately for young kids today, their parents are going to be just as tech-savvy as they are, so trying to block parents is a problem with a likely easy solution.

I think the biggest complaint people have against this is that their private life is not their employers’ business. Well we’ve already established that the internet is public domain, not private. But companies also have a right to know what they are investing in. Ok, so maybe this doesn’t apply if you work the graveyard shift at Denny’s. In that case, Denny’s has a right to check your police record. But if a company is going to invest $40, $60, $80, or $100G’s, it has a right to find out about the investment. Would a company buy or lease a piece of equipment without doing any research? And they don’t want to just see the manufacturer’s description, they want to read the user reviews and hear from other users how the equipment performed. You might say, “That’s what references are for.” How often have you listed a reference that would talk negatively about you? Don’t you think those are a little biased? You want to know what people are all about? Look at their Facebook and MySpace pages.

I think this holds true especially for companies that take pride in their employees. Some companies could care less, obviously. But in a company where employees represent the brand, those employees should be screened and held to a higher standard. If I’m that employer, I want to know if my employees have marijuana leaves plastered all over their MySpace page. I want to know if my employees still go out and get trashed several times per week. I want to know if my employees are going to put themselves in a position that not only reflects poorly for my company but affects productivity. I pay you $80G’s a year? Act like it. Make me think I made a good decision. Hiring decisions shouldn’t be based on Facebook pages, but the pages should be available as a reference should employers decide to use them.

To me, this is fairly black and white. If you want to be an ass, be an ass. Just be aware that everyone is watching.

Obama Nation

2009-01-18T16:18:00.000-05:00

Let's be honest, as of November 4th, 2008, the United States officially became an Obama nation. I really couldn't tell though, because his supporters are the type that really like to fly under the radar. None of them are terribly obnoxious or over-the-top, and they've been pretty unoriginal in celebrating and commerating. In spite of this, I've been able to put together a list of a few collectors items I've spotted that are available in case you want to pick one up to remember this point in our history.

After doing one search on Google and one on eBay, this is what I came across (I also threw in some decoys that I made up, see if you can spot them):

Collectible coin set

Folk art (familiar art pieces w/Obama inserted)

One of a kind art (originally made pieces)

Poster

Obama logo Air Force Ones

Obama logo hat

Obama 8 inch doll

Bobblehead doll

Finger puppet doll

Dancing Obama doll

Paper doll

Throw blanket

Hand-crafted quilt

Inauguration DVD (pre-order)

Campaign trail DVD

Subway fare card

Comic book

Pin collection

Pin and brooch

Christmas ornament

Laser-etched marble picture

Wall calendar

Stuffed bear

Magnet collection

Water bottle

Stainless steel bottle

Mug

Collectible model jet with Obama logo

Baby onesie

Boxer shorts

Briefs

Thongs

Trinket box

Sew-on patch

Bookmarks

Earrings

Grateful Dead shirts (Deadheads for Obama)

"Time for Change" wristwatch

Mousepad

Business card holder

Limited edition pen

Mavericks presidential ale bottle

Charm bracelet

Porcelin plate

Like I said, that is the result of ONE Google search and ONE eBay search. Were you able to spot the ones in the list I made up? Well, I lied. I didn't make anything up. Every one of those items is legit. Perhaps this is what Barack meant when he talked about creating new jobs. I mean, somebody has to produce all this stuff, right?

I also did a quick search on the celebrities that will be attending the Inauguration festivities: Secretary of State Oprah Winfrey, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Beyonce, Usher, Garth Brooks, Stevie Wonder, John Mellencamp, Shakira, Mary J. Blige, Herbie Hancock, Josh Groban, John Legend, James Taylor, Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx, Martin Luther King III and Queen Latifah. These are usually people I equate with the term "blue collar", so they're all logical choices.

I don't even think I need to interject an opinion here, all of this nonsense speaks for itself. Pretty high expectations to live up to, no?

That's What Friends Aren't For

2009-01-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, we all have bad friends we hang onto for much too long. For one reason or another, we let these people hang around and continue to affect our lives in a mostly negative way. They drain us and drag us down, and in the end we’d probably be better suited moving forward in separate directions.

If you think about it, we probably only actually choose a couple of our friends. It may sound funny, but think about it. When you’re young, you often become friends with the neighbors or the kids in the neighborhood that around your age (not your choice). If your parents have friends around the same age, you have “play dates” and those kids become your friends (again, not your choice). You sign up for sports and recreational activities and you meet friends that way (only partly your choice because of who else signs up). In middle school you may branch out and meet other kids that sit by you alphabetically (not your choice), but you probably already know some kids from the neighborhood and recreation. As you get older you start to choose your friends, but if they’re not from a previous association or by a group you’re in, it’s by “social status.” You recognize your self-perceived level of “cool” and find others in the same caste. Then when you go away to college, what happens? You start back at Square 1 and become friends with the roommate(s) to whom you’ve been assigned (not your choice). Moving on, you become friends with people on your team at work, with other married couples when you get hitched, and with other parents of the same age as your children. It’s a bit exhaustive, but you get the point—how many of these friendships are 1) genuine and 2) of your specific choosing?

This is probably the reason that after a lifetime of human interaction, we end up with about 4-5 really good friends. And we take pride in those 4-5 because we’ve chosen them among many and they are reflections of who we are. If a friend is recognized for something positive, we feel proud to be associated with him/her. But as I’ve pointed out, our 4-5 good friends represent maybe 10% or less of all the friends we’ve had, meaning that when we make a new friend there’s a 90% failure rate. So we shouldn’t be surprised when friends turn sour on us, but we are because our friends are an extension of us. We share experiences, stories, secrets, and essentially give ourselves to each other.

There will be times when friends need to lean on each other—it’s what friends are for. They’re there when times are tough and also when the good times are rolling. But I’ll bet that we all have a “friend” who now only comes around when it’s convenient for him/her. Or when he/she needs something. Of course people and priorities change—I’d be naïve to think they didn’t—but when fundamentals and values change, it shifts the entire scale. And because these people are our good friends, we keep thinking one day they are going to turn the corner. But they don’t. In fact, they’ve already turned the corner, just not the way we wanted. We end up obsessing about these people and wasting countless amounts of energy stressing about what they have (or haven’t) done. It affects our mood and then affects the mood of those around us. The bold approach is to have a conversation with them about it because I feel it’s our responsibility to bring people back down to earth and tell them when they’re acting out of character. Unfortunately, enough is usually said through actions that whatever will be said in conversation has already been implied. The only thing to do is to cut it off—say “No” to drama. Move on. People come and go, and if they’re really good friends, it will work out in the end.

As we get older and busier—be it with work, spouses, exercising, whatever—our time becomes more sparing and valuable. Why spend any of that time on people who aren’t worth it?

What Not To Wear

2009-01-06T09:04:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, clothes make the man and appearance matters no matter how much you may want to deny it. Personality, intelligence, and wit can get you so far, but at the end of the day you have to look the part. Don’t confuse looks with appearance, either—the two are distinctly different. This doesn’t make us shallow as a society or culture; it makes us better.

I used to be of the opposing view. Who cares what I look like? My friends like me for me and accept me for my unique style. Mismatching makes me eclectic—I can mix colors, patterns, or plain not give a damn. And you know what? There’s a time and place for all of that—it’s called high school. Probably even be able to get away with it in college. Speaking from my own experience, I first attended an all boy private high school; an institution where you may think it’d be hard to screw up a wardrobe if there’s a dress code. Wrong. Since there were no girls, nobody cared what he looked like. Hardly anyone knew what a comb was, we had “Ugliest Tie” competitions in class, and just because you had to wear a button-down shirt, Dockers, and a tie, it didn’t mean you had to wear them well. No lie, there was a kid who went to bed in his clothes so he could sleep an extra 30-40 minutes and literally roll out onto the bus. There were kids who wore the same clothes every day for weeks at a time. Who was there to impress?

A public co-ed high school seems to operate a little differently, you know, with the presence of girls and all. You start seeing some button-down shirts and everyone wears jeans, but there is still a large percentage who wears what is comfortable—tee shirts, sweatshirts, gym shorts, etc. You also see a lot of awkward-looking teens trying to dress older than they are. Girls with no clue how use lipstick come to school looking Miss Piggy after a bumpy train ride. But since nobody knows any better than anyone else, everyone can afford to make mistakes.

Then it seems like we regress in college. Sweatpants and hoodies become common classroom attire and no one flinches. The nightlife forces some to upgrade their wardrobes to include club-wear, but unless you’re with someone who knows what he/she is doing, you walk into the store and have no idea what to buy. What you think looks good is a warped impression formed over the last 10 years of mismatching and wearing sweats. The turning point, at least for guys, is getting a girlfriend (I can’t take credit for this theory/realization, but it is true). Look at the difference in wardrobe of college guys with girlfriends, and college guys who are single (and straight—let’s be honest, gay guys are inherently better dressers). Most girls have an inane fashion sense, but more importantly they care enough about the appearance of the guys they are seen with to say something.

So at least now we have an idea of where all of this stems from. If a terrible wardrobe outlasted high school and college and has carried over to the real world, it’s time for an intervention. Pick up a magazine or two. Turn on the television and see what good looking people are wearing (NOT MTV). If you stand out in a crowd, and not in a good way, your friends are embarrassed by you. You are a bright red pair of clown shoes. No one can take you seriously and you are here for entertainment purposes only. Unfortunately, your friends often don’t have the heart to tell you this. If you are over the age of 25, you should stop shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch. Might want to cut out American Eagle and Aeropostale, too. Those clothes are intended for high school and college kids, and people above this age range trying to look younger actually look older when they put these on. Unless of course you’re 25 and still get carded at the horse race track. If you look like a slob, you are unapproachable. It’s probably harder for you to find dates, jobs, or even friends. Dressing well shows that you have respect for your own self and for your colleagues and friends. If you think nice clothes are too expensive, consider them investments. You’ll get more use out of a really nice pair of pants than a DVD collection you’ll watch once. If it takes a little more effort to find clothes that fit perfectly and are appropriate, then so be it—it will be much more rewarding in the end.

This isn’t a call-to-action to rush out and buy skinny jeans or sweater hoodies, but please, do us a favor and step up your clothing game. Le Coq Sportif’s look much better with jeans than do clown shoes.

High School Musical

2008-12-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

Let’s be honest, high-school reunions are like one big musical and everyone that attends has a part to play. I can think of six roles that encompass about 90% of the attending crowd. I’ll attempt to identify these groups and give a guide on how you can spot each one:

Good Enough
These people laid out the stipulation for attending the 10-year reunion the day they graduated—if I do well enough for myself in the next 10 years, I’ll go. Otherwise, I’m staying the hell away from there. Don’t you remember in school when the teacher/professor handed tests back and you always looked at what the dumb kid in the class scored, just to make sure you scored higher than him? (Sidebar: I found out in my Sophomore year Financial Accounting course that I was the dumb kid when the teacher started writing “Great Job!” on tests in which I scored a 74 and I saw a stream of classmates trying to peer over my shoulder. Not a great feeling to be that guy) Well the same situation applies. You just want to make sure you did better in the last 10 years than that guy. If so, you’re there.

Tag-Alongs
This is what I’m naming the non-alumni significant others who were dragged to the event; and this group can be broken down even further. A male in this category likely has no interest in attending; he knows a few of the wife/girlfriend’s friends, but face it, they don’t intend on bailing said male out because they clearly have their own agendas. He’s forced to put on a suit, or at least a button-down shirt and slacks, per the wife’s request. He’ll be the one with a drink in one hand, other hand pocketed, nodding along as the wife tries awkwardly to involve him in the conversation. Maximum 2 drinks. Last words before he and the wife left the house: “Don’t you DARE embarrass me!”

If a female falls into this category, she’s at least a 9 ½ because the male obviously wants to show that he landed one way out of his league. She will soon realize her man wasn’t such a catch after all.

“Hi, I’m here for the gang-bang”
The people who showed up with every intention to get laid are the easiest people to spot, and you probably already know who they are. This group should also be broken down further, because the last thing I want to do is generalize. You already know the girls in this category because they advertise with butt-ass-nekkid pictures on Facebook and MySpace. And it’s not the ones who cleaned up in high school; it’s the ones that have come into their own since high school. You passed me up in high school? Bam, sucka! 50/50 chance they end up bent over a toilet in the restroom…and I don’t mean vomiting.

Guys in this category are either players or nerds. You can spot the players by their swagger and pressed shirts and the nerds by their unsightly bulge and inappropriate comments. The latter have become eerily creepy since high school and will no doubt forget to bring that little filter between the brain and the mouth. Watch out for Captain Sexual Advance.

M.R.S. Degrees
These women went to college with one goal: find a man who will support me. This could be for several reasons, some good, some bad. The most obvious reason would be because she’s dumber than rocks. Hey, we’re not all brilliant—some people have to get by on looks. If you’re smokin hot but your IQ rivals that of a T-Rex, what else are you supposed to do? Seriously…get smarter? The time for increasing your brain mass has long since passed; time to find an alternative. You’ll be able to spot the MRS grads by the Bat Signal shining from the rock on their finger.

Locals
There’s a reunion this weekend? These people probably didn’t realize it but since they go to that bar every weekend, they hardly miss a beat! They question whether anything worthwhile truly exists outside the town limits. If it ain’t broke...

The Organizers
Similar to the ones whose only goal is to get laid, you already know who these people are. You’ve known since you were in high school. And you know how you know? Because these type of people don’t change. Planners and control freaks don’t all of a sudden stop caring about that kind of thing—it’s one of the few traits that just cannot be suppressed. They planned Homecoming, Winter Formal, Prom, their Wedding, their friend’s Baby Shower, and now this. God bless these people though, because without them a lot of things wouldn’t get accomplished. The easiest way to spot these people is to watch who is making sure everyone has hand-stamps and is using drink tickets appropriately. Any rogue attendees will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Reunion Committee Bylaws.

We all have a part in the musical, and the show couldn’t go on without a stellar performance from each role. Now break a leg out there.

Mating Like Rabbits

2008-12-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

The Duggar family recently welcomed their 18th bundle of joy into the world. What a joyous occasion and celebration of life! When asked on The Today Show what she considered to be “too many children,” mother Michelle responded confidently, “saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers.” Bitch please.

Let’s be honest, 18 kids is not only selfish, it’s a hoarding of resources. Don’t get me wrong, children are a blessing. But as is the case for most things in life—moderation reigns supreme. According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the internet, the Duggars have opted to shun birth control and “let God determine” the number of children they have.

Who does having 18 children benefit?

Still thinking…

Ok, I can’t think of anyone.

Who does having 18 children NOT benefit? Let's see:

Michelle Duggar (mother)
Physically, how is it healthy for one woman to birth 18 children? She must be the grossest naked woman alive. How could Jim Bob (yes, that is his name…fresh off the Varsity Blues set) even want to look at her naked, let alone fornicate? Do you realize she’s been pregnant for 13 ½ years? At the very least, she has to be destined for chronic back problems, but that seems to be the least of her concerns.

Jim Bob Duggar (father)
How would you like dealing with the mood swings, demands, nagging, and vomiting of your wife for over 13 years? Enough said. And as the bread winner of the family, it is clearly impossible for him to support all his children.

The Kids
No one child will receive any kind of special attention, which is unfortunate because children need nourishing. They need encouragement. They need to be developed. But mom’s too busy with the newborn(s) to do anything else and dad can only be in so many places at one time. Plus, these poor kids are home-schooled, so it’s not as if they can receive extra help from a licensed educator at a public or private school. As if that’s not bad enough, each of the kids’ names starts with the letter “J”, my favorite being “Jinger.” That’s right, Jinger with a J. Welcome to the playground, Jinger, aaaand here’s a fist to the cranium. And not to be outdone—twin boys named Jeremiah and Jedidiah. I don’t even have a joke here. But these are the kids that grow up and shoot people—they have little interaction with society, they have a sheltered up-bringing (no TV, internet, or kissing before marriage), and little personal attention as I mentioned before. So what happens the first time they step out into the real world and face adversity? They have no idea how to handle it and go off the deep end to become the next unabombers. Not one of those kids will ever be special; they’ll always be 1 “J” out of 18.

The Earth
Don’t other countries already hate the United States because we use the most resources? By far? Am I wrong in saying that 18 kids, by nature, deprive other kids of resources? It seems like simple math. I have 100 units of X to split among 10 families of 2 kids each; each kid gets 5 units. Replace one of those families with the good ole’ Duggars, and each kid in the community gets less than 3 units. It is selfish and self-absorbed for the Duggars to continue to have children. They are simply demanding more resources. Having a child is one of the most selfless acts imaginable, but having 18 is irresponsible. Can they stop? Of course they can! Are all 18 intentional? Of course they are! Ask them. They don’t appear to be hanging it up either, so don’t be surprised if there’s more on the way. This is not the same as John and Kate Gosselin (from John & Kate Plus 8), who had twins and intended on having one more but got sextuplets instead. These were 16 calculated pregnancies (two sets of twins). Absolutely selfish. The world doesn’t need any more you’s.

So remember, if you decide to watch this show, just realize you are supporting selfish and irresponsible parents that ultimately make us worse off as a society.

It's Britney, Bitch

2008-12-15T09:13:00.002-05:00

Let’s be honest, Britney Spears’ self-documentary For the Record was a joke. This latest attempt by the once-teen sensation was intended to give viewers a glimpse into the life of a troubled artist on the road to recovery, but instead demonstrated her lack of progress in past two years. Is she really that far removed from the head-shaving loon we all saw her as not that long ago? She may actually be worse because she thinks she’s on the road to recovery. I wanted to give the documentary a fair shot, which is my own fault from the start since it was delivered by the same brainchildren behind "NEXT," "The Ex Effect," "Date My Mom," "Parental Control," "My Super Sweet 16," and countless others. I made it through the first twenty minutes before realizing I would never get those twenty minutes of my life back, and walked away with a good enough understanding of what was transpiring.

Let’s cut through the BS (pun intended) and tell it like it is. The documentary was produced by MTV, a station terribly indebted to Britney for her popularity in the late 90’s/ early 2000’s and the sexual fodder she provided to the network. Moreover, it’s been fairly easy to see how they’ve used her recently for ratings—case in the point the 2007 and 2008 Video Music Awards. MTV gave her the introductory performance slot in 2007 knowing she was a complete and utter train wreck. She fumbled around the stage looking like a polish sausage on crack in a performance that made everyone attending live seem uncomfortable. How can we forget the look on 50 Cent’s face while watching? Unfortunately, the ratings ploy worked, because we all watched, and watched again, and again. The network used her once again in 2008 to open the show, and after a couple mangled lines proclaimed “She’s back!” Spears ended up taking home four awards, much to the chagrin of anyone with an ounce of talent or decency. In order to keep milking her dry, MTV obviously needed to create a comeback to reintroduce her to relevance. In the words of The Dude, “somebody’s gotta feed the monkey.” All I’m asking is to consider the source. You wouldn’t take a documentary on small business seriously if it was produced by WalMart, would you?

I’m not a Britney-hater, I just wish she could be honest, even though I realize that’s impossible for her career. Wouldn’t a little honesty be nice? She’s basically defecating out of her mouth when she talks about any kind of “passion” for music or having a “dark side.” She’s more transparent than Hollow Man. I think we’d all respect her a little more if she just came out and said the following:
· Yes, I was exploited by old men when I was 16 years old to sell records.
· I’m not a great singer. But guess what? I don’t have to be. There are talented people who give me beats and enhance my voice, and the end of the day, the sound sells. Success in the industry is defined by sales, and I got that in the bag. Some people might want to put out a personal album that means a lot to them but has no mass appeal. That’s personal success, not industry success, and not big money. Just like Nickelback, all my songs sound the same, but I make hits. I’ve sold millions of albums and I’m not stopping because you keep buying.
· Yes, I lip-synch, but who doesn’t? I am a helluva performer and I put on a great live show. I’m a great dancer and I work my ass off while I’m on stage. But when you see me you want album quality music. How is that possible? How am I supposed to bust my ass on stage and perform dance routines without sacrificing quality? So yes, I lip-synch, get over it. Go sell some medicine, bitches.

Look, she’s still a psycho who blows through an exorbitant amount of money on clothes. Her redneck backwoods grit-cooking dad has control of her assets, which is scary in and of itself. She lost a custody battle to Kevin Federline. Kevin Freaking Federline. The proverbial one-legged man in the ass kicking contest. She couldn’t beat out that guy for child custody. A court ruled he is more reasonably fit to be a parent than she is. Now she walks around town accessorized by pit-stains and cigarettes. Not everyone has to be vanilla—we need some people in society who are a little out there because it keeps us balanced. Let’s just all be honest with ourselves and recognize Brit for who she really is.